Harry Potter

Hello from my secret place where I am sleeping, reading and going to movies, trying to regenerate and catch up.

I saw the first part of the Last Harry Potter movies......it was as good as any other movie...but still does not compare to the depth of the series of books and how Ms. Rowling drew us in to a discussion about living and dying and fighting evil and how we can and should choose our journey in life and then follow the path that the Universe hands us. She made this discussion accessible to children and teens and their parents and grandparents.

I gave a very heart felt Tribute to Ms. Rowling in 2007 in an earlier entry when I was reading this last book.....I have even updated that with more commentary this month.

But, once again, Thank you Jo, thank you for being so wise and true to the story you were given and got to tell to millions of us. Thank you for the time and connection your story gave to me and my sons in our struggle as a Gay Father with Two Religious sons.

And, thank you Jo for not hiding the reality of the story of dying that accompanies living.

Rob

12 Hours in Venice So far....

Once again, I am traveling, and I have failed to bring a camera along......maybe there is something psychological in that...but let's not stray from the path. I am exhausted, I have flown so many hours just to get here, but have had two meals where no one spoke English and so far the goal of this trip, is happening as planned: To discover Venice avoiding all of the tourist spots, to discover Italian Venice...... not just the Grand Canal and St. Marks Square.


Like the Himalayas, Like the Taj Mahal, Venice has to be experienced. Nothing in film, description, or pictures prepares you for the reality of this place.

I came this time to heal; to work on my humanity; to listen to the Universe. And, such a beautiful place to start.... For this I am grateful.

I am still reading the book, the journey of a woman back to herself in Eat, Pray, Love. I just want to copy her words, they speak so loudly to me. It is like I should not be writing. The words are already in print.

But, I began this trip with a miracle. I got to inform a patient he did not cancer when both of us thought he did. There has been so much pain lately; So much bad news; So significantly more than usual.....that I cannot explain it.

I also worked my last night in Seattle till after 1 AM, the longest day of my career post residency....but I also got to teach at the University of Washington Medical School for the first time that day......and was reinvigorated by the enthusiasm and idealism of the students....I have hope for the future of medicine and that others will be there to carry the torch of activism and peace and social justice and healing.

The universe conspired to switch my seats on the flight from Seattle, and I sat next to one of the most interesting men I have ever met. An American Indian Tribal leader who writes, travels the world speaking and working on policies to heal and help indiginous peoples in the world; we discussed poverty, isolation, the lack of access to health care, the lack of understanding that in the 'system' we live in there are people who are ready to help and be available and how to get that information to those who do not trust the White man, the system, the larger nation we both live in.

So, for now, since I have had wine with dinner I will end this tale....but I am still full of stories and adventures and feel at 50, like I am just beginning to explore and live and travel and understand the awe of the Universe and this opportunity to be alive.

Rob

Ignoring the Entertainment value.....I LOVE GLEE

There, I said it out loud. I am a fifty year old man, a screaming queen, a political activist who still believes we can change the world and increase PEACE.

I am tired of sadness, gloom, hatred.

LIFE. Love. Connection.

God, if I could kiss the producers, writers and all who made GLEE possible to be on television, let alone on FOX......Oh, my God. In such simple and honest ways each week the messages gets better, stronger and are just so simple and make a louder statement. At this time when the reality of violence against lesbians and gay men and transgendered people are leading the headlines.....here is the statement. We are all different from each other and yet, we really are all the same. We are human. We are brothers and sisters. We are connected. We each deserve to live, to love, to grow, to learn, to apologize, to make mistakes, to experience the fullness of living. And we each deserve to feel our feelings and we deserve to love and be loved in return.

Just for those who notice. I have begun praying daily again. I send out my prayers as often as I can remember to do so. I pray. And tonight this is my prayer of gratitude. Thank you God for life. Thank you for the gifts and lately, the daily reminder that this is real and important and necessary. Thank you.


We are alive.

Happy Days are Here Again. Go on get happy. Shout Hallelujah!!!! Come on get happy.


Go.....Live... Dance, and, need I say it? GO EAT!!!!

Rob, learning to live again.

Once again, I got it backwards: It is: Love, Pray and Eat.

So...I could write two or three books about my life and the people I interact with and the travels that have ensued since my last entry. And, I am on the verge of traveling again, this next week to Venice, Italy........ I should be writing.

But, tonight, I am 20% through the book of Eat, Pray, Love. I usually make it a habit to read a book before I see the movie. This time I got it right because in a way the Movie was healing.

But, once again, in my experience, the book is better and more complete.

Every day this past two weeks I've delivered bad news to someone and also had some miracles and joy between each low. I am learning to love again and learning to live again and to travel. I have whispered goodbye to someone, and have one more angel watching over me and those I care for.

I have a whole story about New Orleans and my birthday that should be in a book, not just on a blog.

But, I am ready to write again. I am living....

And, the mantra is: Be grateful for the gifts, work through the pain, learn to grow........ and try to love.

Then: EAT!

Rob

Light, Rain in London, why we travel

So much to discuss for this long vacation that is just getting started. Even though it rained the whole time I was in London, I could have just stayed there and been happy. There is such an energy in that city. I talked to other travelers, had my dinner at Balans, and saw Priscilla before scurrying back to Paddington so I could sleep a bit before traveling on to Greece.

I must admit I did not bring my camera with me. There must be something psychological about it and this trip being my own.

But the moment I touched down after another long day of travel in Santorini, I remembered why I chose this as my birthday trip. The light and life is different hear. I am, staying at a beautiful place with 360 degree views of the water around us and the caldara that forms this beautiful Island.

Sunset last night was

Light, Rain in London, why we travel

So much to discuss for this long vacation that is just getting started. Even though it rained the whole time I was in London, I could have just stayed there and been happy. There is such an energy in that city. I talked to other travelers, had my dinner at Balans, and saw Priscilla before scurrying back to Paddington so I could sleep a bit before traveling on to Greece.

I must admit I did not bring my camera with me. There must be something psychological about it and this trip being my own.

But the moment I touched down after another long day of travel in Santorini, I remembered why I chose this as my birthday trip. The light and life is different hear. I am, staying at a beautiful place with 360 degree views of the water around us and the caldara that forms this beautiful Island.

Sunset last night was breathtaking. As was dinner. And that started with my favorite: Tazhiki sauce......the second favorite part of Greece behind the sun and sunsets.....

Today is quiet. I am relaxing. I have swum in the pool, eaten a nice lunch and read on my Kindle. Relaxation is starting to set in finally. As usual, it takes a few days before I feel fine with no plans and no agenda.

But, Come to Greece at some point in your lives. It is magical.....even on the third trip here.

Eat. Love, Pray

As you know, I am a sucker for travel, adventure, growing with experience, so this movie yelled at me to be the first in line when it opened this weekend. And I love both Julia and Javier and have followed their careers like a fan. This is a movie not to be missed, nor dismissed.

And, Gawd, what a gold mine of stories, and vistas and new cities to visit and a reminder of new truths mixed in with old to keep me honest in telling my story.

Love.......honestly. I had lost faith in its reality. Yet, I am reminded today that one must be hopeful and open and available to not only love, but to offer it back as the opportunity presents itself.

Forgiveness is key here too. We humans make mistakes; we say the wrong things, we choose the wrong partner, at times, and we don't have guide books on how to live the happiest lives. Pain. loss. Anger, Mistakes. Jealousies. Miscommunication happens among the best of friends as well as families. Memory is tainted by our filters and assumptions. Not just by what we see, hear, or witness.

I am reminded today that I would give my death for my brothers and sisters and their families. I am reminded that I have several friends who I cherish. I have not been the best brother or friend in the past year. I also am a father of two sons. I have been a good father given the hands we have been dealt. But, even there, the relationships feels lost and broken.

I have never had to ask for help.

But, here in pubic, I write that I have had a very bad 18 months. From Divorce, to the death of my friend and therapist, telling 30 people they have HIV and 20 that they have cancer to six suicide attempts and one death among those. I also had the sad honor to discuss a boy's death with a bewildered mother, who stopped seeing me in 2008 and did not see anyone since. He was my sons' age and died from end stage AIDS from Cryptococcal Meningitis this week. He was HIV negative last time we met. He had not been to see me for over two years and at our last visit refused an HIV test. If only we knew then we could have monitored and prevented this outcome at such an early age. He was barely out of high school. I also have edited a book about to be printed, helped tell the story of RiseN'Shine through a documentary that is winning awards at independent film festivals. I have had such gifts and grace given to me that I know that my mission is not complete; I am working on the balance and trying to take care of myself as well as I try to take care of my patients.

I am battling back from the loss of friends, patients, family, depression, disappointment and also learning to live for love and honesty; to travel again. There is no time to sit and feel sorry for myself. The time now is for me to heal and help those I can in my immediate life heal as best they can.

So, here are my new rules of living:

Forgive when you can and ask for forgiveness as needed

Judge less

Meddle less

Pay my bills and get my debt down

Thank God for saving my life after falling forty feet and rather than dying or being paralyzed coming out of the other end with a broken spine and a Physical Therapist that is helping me recover very well.

I turn 50 in a few weeks. I will not be home for most of the next three months. My building is being renovated; new walls and new windows are being installed....My place is packed away to protect the art and rugs and furniture.

I will be in Greece, London, Venice, Croatia, LA, New York, Washington, DC. All of the hotels are paid for, so if anyone wants to join me just let me know and get there. (Thank you God, again for frequent flier miles) I will try to post my ongoing recovery. but after a 18 month struggle the recovery is well underway, finally. And, thank you especially for those of you in Atlanta, thank you for helping me realize that I am beginning to recover and find hope again; for being loving and kind at a time I felt I did not deserve it.

To my dearest friends and family. I have had a very bad year. I apologize if I have offended and I apologize if you in any way do not understand that I love you and support you fully. I know you have stopped returning my calls, texts, and emails. But, I believe that family wins in the end. I am alive, here, working on my faults and ready to apologize and also ready to be forgiven when you are.

To Sean. Thank you for sending me your lover David so we could finally mourn together your calling to a new world and life and for leaving us here alone without you. I surely know I miss you as do many many others here trying to make sense of it all. I cannot wait for your guidance on the other side.

Thank you Julia and Javier for your work in this film and for the writers who put the words into your mouths to remind me that love is 'off balance' and yet, still worth it....and that sometimes a little prayer is needed to counter balance our own fears and failures.

Rob

An Ode to Pat Conroy

Some of my closest friends know this, but there is an American Author living today who is one of the greatest writers and repeatedly changed my life by telling his stories who I had given up on.

His name is Pat Conroy. He is of Charleston, South Carolina and is extremely well known for his books: "The Great Santini", "The Lords of Discipline," and "The Prince of Tides". There are others. But it has been years since this man published anything new.

I know of no one better to tell the tales of family--both the love and hate, the cost of abuse, the real struggles of integrating the races in the American South, etc.

For me he is my hero as an author and as someone that has repeatedly put into words my own traumas, disappointments, courage, reason for my activism and my loud need to right injustice.

And, finally he is out with a new book. Just when I had decided he had said his say and made peace with his life. He Hits another Home Run with the book, 'South Of Broad'.

Again this is about racism, family trauma, real life.....and he tells it with a story tellers' wit and anguish that is unmistakably his gift and voice. Thank you Mr. Conroy. I wish someday to tell you that as I shake your hand and look you in the eye. From the Great Santini, where you uncompromisingly tell my story of abuse by a parent and the hatred a father has towards his son, to the love and devotion you gave in the Prince of Tides to a mother who allowed such abuse and covered it up with gentility.

I am now just 25% of the way through the "South of Broad" and am proud to finally be able to say thank you again for writing and telling stories that Americans and families need to hear.

You speak to me; you have healed me at times; You have taught me to look for meaning and beauty in this messed up world. You are my favorite American Author and I honor you for returning to the pen and publishing your stories.

Rob

It is about LOVE

I just watched "Proposition 8: the Documentary"

about how Mormons funded hatred and bigotry.......

Let me tell you. I am done with my people.

I am done with hatred.

I am about Love and supporting love in this tough world.

The MORMONS funded, lied, and influenced and continue to influence bigotry around this nation. They should know better having been persecutred themselves.

God will Judge. And, I will stand with the righteous at the end and both answer for my own sins, but will testify against the liars and haters and bigots in the Mormon Church.

I wish you all a lifetime of hatred, hell, and pain for the pain and agony and perverse sickness that leads you to fight against love and forgiveness.

I will be standing there at the end for each of you. And, some I will speak on behalf of and some I will testify against. HATRED no matter how it is spelled is still hatred and bigotry and discrimination.

For those of you know had family and friends beaten and killed for their beliefs back when it was the haters who stood against Mormons, to stand with the haters and bigots now. I pity you.

I NO LONGER Call you my people. You are as a group, the most pathetic 'religious' organization in America second only to the worldwide Pedophilia lovers known as Catholics.

Rob

The British Government today apologized for Bloody Sunday in 1914

So, In case this means little or nothing to you.....this is one of the biggest moves towards forgiveness and peace in my lifetime.

I would recommend Jamie O'Neill's book, 'At Swim, Two Boys' one of the most incredible books of my lifetime to describe who was lost on that Sunday.

I applaud the new Government of Great Britain for this acknowledgement. But, don't forget these are real people the government set up and killed. I would bet you would not read better literature than Mr. O'Neill's story of that day and what led up to it in your lifetime. I even went to Dublin to verify and follow the journey of his characters after reading his book. 1914. Nearly 100 years later and finally an attempt by a government to come clean. Miracles never cease to happen. Congratulations to the Irish and to Mr. O'Neill personally. A miracle happened today and you are part of having made that happen.

Today the British Government Apologized for 'Bloody Sunday"

In case this is out of context, please read: "Two Birds, One Stone" by

Death, aging, broken promises, loss.....cancer?

So....when I was eighteen months old I must have cried too long or too loud and my father picked up my highchair and flung me across the kitchen into the kitchen wall. 17 years ago I learned that I had three compression fractures from that incident and at that point my T4-7 Vertebrae were 1/3 rd the size that they should be.

I did not hurt. I was a student a young father and nothing could slow me down.

Now I ache and have a curvature in my back and I finally took some time to see the back doctor......He has subsequently discovered that my back is curved due to this from 20%to69%. We did an MRI and I just learned today that I have a new fracture in the third vertebrae of the thoracic spine....so big guns get pulled out, lots more testing for bone disease, cancer, other injuries, and even the thought of eventual thoracic collapse and paralysis.....

So, to name a few things. If this is the last thing I post for awhile. I believe I was sent here on a mission and to my best ability as a human I have fulfilled it. I have loved and spoiled my children; I have helped family when I could. I have tried. I have built a business. If this is the end or the beginning of the end I will go out in glory and light and laughter....because I was honest and brave and fought for injustice at every opportunity I could.

Was I perfect?

No, of course not.

But, did I live? Yes. Fully. I have been in nearly every part of the world. I have been a believer and a non-believer. I have loved and been loved. I have been hated and had hated back. I have felt every emotion a human can feel. I am scared for my meeting this week with the specialist......But, If it is bad news I had already fought all the fights I need to fight. I plan on being here a long while yet, but if I am not, then I will have left behind my work and those who will finish it. And if one looks just at the black and white I am a believer of a life that persists. I just don't think we can even imagine what the next part of the journey will entail.

I have left two sons who I hope will see me for the brave man that I was given the times. But as their father I have had to recently put the reigns on being taken advantage of. Not one of them thanked me for supporting their missions. One has never come to visit the Killians' side of the family since his mission. Sad and missed opportunities. But each of us makes choices we live with good and bad. It is his complete loss and just our disappointment. I get it: 15 months and no attempts to see your family on the 'non-Mormon side".....as if we are contagious or something. What a way to show love, mercy and gratitude. What a way to say thank you for your life and the opportunities it afforded you. But, we live with our choices.

So, live or die soon, I will be at the office. Please don't comment on my humped and aching back deformity. I am fighting for a few more years of this life......and just you watch. I will get it.

Rob

A new World

Hello from New York City.



Here is where I see theatre, see celebrities, and eat well

This weekend, so far, has been no different.

I am taking care of myself as best I can and eating well.

I love this town........even if it if a cliche'

Tonight was Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth and AQUAVIT.

No one can beat that.

I am healing and healthy and loving living.

Rob

Let's start slow

If anyone reading this blog is still going to the Mormon or Catholic church, just to mention two of them. Let's start slow and donate our money to the homeless or food banks and not to the church anymore.

The Church, no matter the theology, is corrupt.

Stop donating money to them.

But, there are homeless and sick children and a million other reasons to donate and answer your call to help.

But, no more to the religions of the world. Can you imagine the Mormons or the Catholics with just one million dollars less per week?

It would be a miracle.

Stop donating money to religious organizations and donate to those that serve the truly needy.

The Pope can stop wearing Prada and the Prophet can stop getting custom tailored suits. Wow, wouldn't that be a miracle?

Rob

LOVE

I know I have written about Las Vegas and Love before. But, if you miss this show you will regret it your whole life.

But, I am writing about it again as a son, a father , and as a brother and I still believe in Love. I know it does not always work out.

The anonymous commenters on this blog, especially, the last one, told me to take a step back and not just assume an attack against me was out of spite, but may be out of concern.

I spent the weekend working and being away at the same time.

I tried to save a man's job and may have failed. But, if we can save the man, then so be it. That is how I would vote. Save the man first and the job second.

I watched LOVE from the fifth row at The Mirage last night. DO NOT MISS THIS SHOW. I could care less what you think about the Beattles. But, Cirque Du Soleil, took their music and in creative and jaw dropping ways told the times and the music that made the Beattles the Icons that they are. And that is ART and it can be life changing.

Do Not Miss this show.

Because, in my life. I want and hope someday, to put all the backstory with the 'fame' and 'infamy' and 'human' that I am to tell you I have loved and still do; that I work every day to save lives and souls; and that the least among us may be the one worth saving.

Facebook and other social sites as your way of announcing major personal choices

So

As many of you know. I have had some personal traumas in my family this year and these have led to silence and accusations and angry emails. Most of the traumas have come via announcements by family members through Facebook emails.

I would be cautious if I was to send to my family decisions and actions publicly before they were privately communicated.

No one likes to be shocked or left out in a family where the only communication is through social networking sites and no phone calls or emails are sent prior to public announcements of change and decisions. It smacks of a lack of understanding, lack of resect and I find it a cheap but demeaning way to find out complex news from my own family.

Thus I will not be participating in any future social networking site. Anyone in my family or close circle of friends knows that I have email and a cell phone and an address where I can be easily contacted before they share to the world private family and personal information.

Misusing social networks to communicate to your own inner circle is shockingly offensive. If that is not obvious, then I would wonder if you shouldn't rethink the way you view the world, yourself and your family. I I would add that name calling and texting nasty message is right up there on the offense meter, especially before conversation and explanation can be obtained.

Your true friends and family need to hear from you and understand before you announce to the world information that may upset or harm personal relationships.

Rob

What the Media is not reporting

Again, Ratzinger (The Pope) is being defended full force with press releases and a lazy media that he had nothing to do with pedophilia, etc.


But, I am sorry, Cardinal Ratzinger, a Nazi student and warrior during world war II, also spent 30 years at the Vatican going around the world getting rid of Cardinals and Archbishops who worked with other religious groups, who worked with the outcast such as the homeless, the homosexuals, and womens' ogranizations but he did not get rid of priests who were pedophilias.

Why, would one wonder would such a man protect those who abused the young over the rights of women? or Equality? or Dialogue?

One would wonder. Wouldn't they? And why would the media let this ride? Think about it.

The Catholic Church and it's leaders have no MORAL authority as many other religious leaders do not.

And finally when I have given up Mawreen Dowd asks this very same question this weekend in her New York Times' Article. So, I am not alone in wondering and asking....http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/11/opinion/11dowd.html?hp

At least there are two of us who see that in 2010 it is time for Women to act like Men.

Rob

My response to the Church

Here is the letter I wrote after multiple phone calls the past week from the Mormons:

April 7, 2010

Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm Matthews.


By now you have heard my phone calls. They have stopped. I just wanted you to know that after all of these years, I am ready for more than memories. I have deleted (without listening) to your messages all phone calls you have made in return.

I hold both of you responsible for both the Mitchell’s tragedy and for the abuse my mother took from my father and what he did to me and my siblings. I have three crushed vertebrae, caused in my childhood, ‘surprisingly’. You were adults. You were church authorities. You were our neighbors. You could not have been that ignorant. Helpless childrens' innocence and lives were at stake. You readily accepted your ‘assignments’ as leaders in ‘the church’. You did not call the police or have the molesters and abusers answer for their crimes.

You did nothing to protect any of us. It would be very educational to get all of the teens who went to Seminary under your leadership and Sister Mitchell’s Seminary class together to get our full stories of the past and the church’s role. And that is part of my surprise. It is amazing when as an adult you can collect memories and stories, and the internet, and facebook and questions bring answers that seemed impossible a life time ago.

I have first hand evidence that you knew of both of the above accusations. I have more.

I also have a few more surprises for others like you involved in the protection of molesters, abusers and the infrastructure of the church.

If you die before this is all out I will stand at your judgment seat and speak against you and beg God to condemn you all to hell. But, I will also bring civil charges against your estate and the church and anyone involved at the time.


If you want this to stop you will, in writing, get your stake president (small caps) at the time, Bishop Cowen and Dr. Robert Folkman in a room to meet with me personally so I can get each of your apologies and explanation. I will reserve the right to have my attorney with me so that if I choose to sue you for the abuse and lies and cover up in a civil matter I will do so. I would recommend you do the same.

I am old enough now, a father my own, an educated man, and I lived during the time of your leadership and lives. I blame you and many others for not protecting the innocent. I blame you and the Folkman’s in particular along with the Baileys for not calling the police when you knew.

When you are ready to arrange a meeting with all of the above mentioned I would answer and return your phone calls. I am ready for a meeting and will bring all of my accusations and demands at that time.

But, until then. You have heard what I have to say. I have evidence and memory and more to share should you continue to protect yourselves and the church. This will include the Boy Scouts, others who were young under yours and other church leadership at the time, and attorney’s who work on behalf of the abused and molested and some other surprises.

I now, at 50, cannot believe you chose the choices you made back in the sixties and seventies. Only one word comes to mind and that is Shame and Regret. I am a father of two sons. And, I would put my life on the line in every way to protect them over anyone or anything that would harm them. Shame on you for not protecting us. And, shame on your wife and those other church leaders I have named for not doing the same.

I will meet you, your wives and all of the above once only.

I have written the whole story for publication and my attorney’s have it should I not out live the ending of our lives.

Rob Killian, MD/MPH
Seattle, WA

The most flattering story about me in the press

Last Friday, Nicole Brodeur a Columnist for the Seattle times put this column into print:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nicolebrodeur/2011504292_nicole02m.html

I am humbled and do not know how to thank her for amplifying my concern a thousand fold


Rob

Medicare Authorization held up in congress by a 'physician'.

So.....

For fifteen years I have seen anyone who walked into my clinic..... from 2003-2008 I worked harder and made less money each year.

Now, Senator Tom Coburn, a physician and right wing idealogue from Okalahoma today announced a hold against the reauthorization of Medicare...which could prove indefinite since 60 senators have to vote his hold out.....that would, if not pass, immediately reduce the payments of medicare to physicians, hospitals and pharmacies by 21.2% starting April 1, 2010.

That means, for me, all of my patients on Medicare or Medicaid or both will even cost me more to serve them since I don't get paid enough now to cover the cost of providing them care.

I have written everyone I can think of.

But I am a lone voice.

Do I keep doing my work and stay true to my calling? or do I go bankrupt in the process?

Do I immediately abandon those on Medicare and force them out of my practice? when no one else will take them on either?

I am only one voice. But this is real life for me. If anyone can get to Tom Coburn, fake Senator and fake physician and true idealogue that he is, please do so in the name of the thousands of Americans his actions will harm today.


Rob

A Single Man

Colin Firth was robbed of the Oscar he deserved for his stunning and delicate performance in this movie I just got to see today. The movie, made from a Christopher Isherwood novel, in a stunning directorial debut by Tom Ford also stars Julianne Moore.

I am just amazingly knocked out by this movie and especially by the acting and cinematography.

Well done.

Thank You President Obama

I cannot believe you were prepared for this time and you lead us with such gracious dignity.

Thank you for being our president.

Thank you for supporting health care reform, civil rights, gay rights, and knowing how to push a progressive agenda through all of it.

I wish I knew you personally.

But, I am proud to be an American for a lot of reasons.


And, you are one of them.

Thank you for being our president. Thank you for helping America stay strong, forward, and beautiful.

Rob

Any Legal Authority willing to challenge the Washington State Attorney General?

Today Washington State's Attorney General, a moderate Republican that even shows up to support fundraising for Life Long AIDS Alliance announced that Washington would be joining a national Federal lawsuit against Health Care Reform

You do not want to know what came out of my mouth when I heard this news on NPR.

This pathetic political man wants thousands of the sick and dying to not have access to good and appropriate health care. He must be stopped and replaced immediately.

I have emailed every Washington authority and the Life Long AIDS Alliance as well.

I am not an attorney and I hold no elected office.

But, is there anyone out there willing to run against this man? To fund someone who will? To fund and start a recall campaign.

This elected official who is supposed to represent the people of Washington, who swore to serve the Constitution of the US and Washington State, but also to serve the underserved, uninsured and under insured has turned traitor.

He should become immediately our number one enemy and persona non grata among any progressive and any conservative or liberal medical group. He has chosen sides and he needs to pay for this choice. Who is willing to join me in standing up to this hateful action? I would love to know what his beautiful children think of him now that he has turned into an enemy of unrightiousness and evil. I would love anyone who can get this message to his family. His kids are pretty cool. This is not their fight. But, they need to know like every other Washington State Citizen that their dad is working to deny the sickest among us access to health care.

Health Care Reform

Tonight the U.S. House of Representatives have passed the beginning of a sweeping Health Care Reform. We sill have so far to go.

But as a physician who fights daily to get my patients medications, appropriate testing, and the health care they need, I am very proud of America today.

I DESPISE anyone who voted against this bill which is just the beginning of overwhelming reform that is needed.

Our "Republican" representative on the Eastside of Seattle Rep Richart voted politics over policy and change and improving the lives of his constituents. He should be put into retirement ASAP. Is anyone listening? He should not have his seat for life. He should resign immediately since he chose politics over integrity.

But as a physician who believes that all should have access to Healthcare and to the same rules and the same regulations so that we stop fighting to get appropriate health care to all of our patients, I am very proud of America, And, I am proud of the beginning of this change pushed for by President Barack Obama, and the Democrats. SHAME to all the Republicans. What a despicable choice to vote against health care but to vote to beat Obama. SHAME on all of you who voted against this bill and who did not work harder to reign in the insurance companies and to make fair health care for all Americans.

But, let's leave the shame for them to carry forever.

We are moving, as we voted for one year and so ago, to change and a more fair health care system to all of us.

Goodbye Congressman Murtha

Dear Sir:

Not all times did I agree with you, but I learned to respect you. I respected your bravery for taking on the military industrial complex after your own service in the Veitnam War. I learned to trust your insight and input.

I mourne your passing and tonight I feel a need to say goodbye to you. You have spent much of my recent life as a hero and a spokesman when I could not speak with the same authority that you did.

I wish you well on your way.

Good Night sweet prince and God Bless and forgive you along the way.

To Sarah Palin

Your claim to fame is your willingness to be the shreaker, the one at the party who yells the loudest. You get lots of attention. But, I still have to see once where you have spoken truth and valuable recommendations. Especially following the race-baiting of former 'Congressman' Tancredo spent his speech race baiting and not even demanding an apology and explanation of such hatred to keep black and hispanic voters from voting.......I gave you the time to listen closely to your message. Ms. Palin. You are an embarrassment to America and to the future and the past.

I listened to your speech to the racist and ignorant at the Tea Party convention tonight.

You not once displayed any information that you understand history, foreign policy, fighting and winning political debates. That you were willing to speak for something other than bland absurdities or ambiguities.

You are a clown. Period.

Sure, there are problems in the world on every level from income to health coverage to our future.

But, sadly you are the most pathetic spokesperson (and that even compares to George H.W. Bush)) to come along in along time. Yes, you are like an actress...get on stage, read your lines and then collect a big paycheck at the end. You did not save one job tonight. You did not offer any hope for anyone facing disease or how to cure it. you did not answer the anger that your friends caused the greed and take down of our financial way of life.

Sarah Palin you are pathetic.

And, until my dying moments I will fight against everything you stand for and for the real people of America; those I meet every day in my clinic; against every pharmacy and insurance company wanting more and more money to treat those who are sick; those who choose an alternative lifestyle than yours who still love this country and the hope it offers.

What is must feel like to be the clown. One day I hope that is all you feel

And if any of my patients who disagree with me-- I feel you should find yourself another physician. Anyone who sees anything else in this woman should move on.

Haiti, Katrina, and all of the world's traumas

HI:

As you can imagine I wish I could be a Mercy Corps Doctor and travel the world to save the dying in far off places.

But, at this point I have thousands of patients to keep alive here in Seattle. But, God willing as we build a permanent clinic in Seattle, where whether I am there or not my patients will find a safe place to get health care. If anyone knows how to fund me to India or Africa to teach HIV and medical care to other care givers I would welcome the opportunity. If anyone knows how to get certified or an in with Mercy Corps or the Gates Foundation or any group assisting those who cannot afford their own travel to these tragedies, I welcome it.

Haiti: I would be on a plane tomorrow. I would go if I could. I give money to organizations funding what I could give as an HIV and medical expert, but don't know how to move to the next step...going myself...and two sons to get through school. Such dilemmas.

I welcome all of my friends to donate what they can. I invite all of my family and friends and patients to donate what they can to those less fortunate than themselves.

We are all one. Even those with a roof on our head and water at our reach and no war at our feet.


Rob

Killing Nazi's

So....
This is inspired by the brilliant film" Inglorius Bastards" that I hope will win the Golden Globe tonight....

But, as you know, I try to live in the now and not the past. I am also enlightened by my trip to Berlin this summer.....where the public would rather just forget their hatred, killing and betrayal of those who are different than them. In Berlin, the headquarters of the Nazis is full of people who love their new city, their new freedoms, but unwilling and seem unable to explain their prejudice;

Can you tell I am still deeply affected by the Germans and majority that let such despicable pain blossom among their neigbors. German better begin taking up the call to heal in the world and answer for their sins as a nation and individually.


Thus.


Who is a Nazi?

Here are a few of my favorite definitions:

Those that justify hatred, fratricide and prejudice against any people different than their own.
Those who , in my world, would deny equal access to all laws for gay, lesbian, and transgendered people.
Those who make money off of arms trading, secret trading that leads to the death and destruction of the most vulnerable among u, including those who sell and manufacture illicit and legal drugs of abuse and addiction. Those who do not read and study the topics of the day, every day, to keep up with where their leaders are leading them.

I invite each of you to Vietnam and to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh city); I invite each of you to Gettysburg in Pennsylvania. I invite each of you to walk for hours at the Arlington national cemetery. I invite you to read and think and travel where you have not read or traveled before.

So, my friends and my patients. If you support any group that supports the above please either rethink your position, send me your apologies and your proof that you have changed, or do not contact me again. I invite you to kill your own prejudices and to learn more about those different than you. I invite you to challenge your own history and belief system in light of day and the pain that men and women cause each other every day in this world.

Rob

David Adams, part one, the missing friend of mine at age 8

Only questions remain after ’68 disappearance
December 15, 2009
By Warren Kagarise

When 8-year-old David Adams disappeared in May 1968, the still-unsolved case generated unprecedented news coverage and attracted hundreds of searchers to Tiger Mountain. Photo illustration by Greg Farrar
Innocence Lost, a three-part series about the 1968 disappearance of David Adams.
Part 1: Missing
The walk home was short, but David Adams never completed the trip.
David left a friend’s house on a late spring day in 1968, and set off down a shortcut worn by neighborhood children. Somewhere along the path — whether by accident, misstep or chance encounter — the 8-year-old boy disappeared from Tiger Mountain.
Searchers volunteered by the hundreds and combed through dense forest for days. Tiny Issaquah, with 4,000 or so people then, was the nexus in the unprecedented search effort.
With the techniques and technology available to investigators and searchers in May 1968, the search for David unfolded as a rescue mission.
Searchers offered theories.

In the decades since the disappearance, the unsolved mystery baffled investigators and stalled when evidence eluded detectives. The case gathered dust for years at the King County Sheriff’s Office, with investigators stymied by scarce evidence and witnesses whose memories were blurred by time and pain.
Detectives revived the investigation in April with a federal grant meant to solve decades-old cold cases. Days after authorities announced the new Cold Case Unit, a detective interviewed a Lewis County man about the disappearance. But the case has produced no arrests..... The rest of this and the following parts of the story can be found at http://www.theissaquahpress.com

Comment at www.issaquahpress.com.

Part's two and three are just as powerful, but the Issaquah press has for copyright reasons asked that I not publish them on my blog.

Ten Years and counting....even thirty five if one wants to get technical

I have now been out of the closet for seventeen years.....and still feel as passionate as I did when I wrote my coming out story about honesty and seeking love and living life and one's mission as fully as possible. That the goal is to live and love; to 'travel' and explore. To pause when one needs to pause, but to keep going when one can. Thirst is real. There is no reason to live a parched life.

I have had a tough three months. Thus the silence...and I wondered if I should just shut this blog down and live the rest of my life quietly and do my work first and foremost....and let the rest just come. I have stopped traveling as frequently as I have done in the past few years and I am growing more and more tired and bored with traveling alone. I love being home and in my own bed after a fourteen hour day more right now than I do getting on a plane and going somewhere else.

But, I got this email (it is edited to protect the identity of the sender) this morning and felt like I should share it.

The background....ten years ago my ex-partner and I were filmed for four hours by a Toronto Television show about sex and sexuality. The team had flown all the way from Eastern Canada and chosen to highlight our coming out of Mormonism and being gay fathers of four children. It was Christmas time. I have never seen the finished product, but from time to time hear that it has played across Canada again and again, in Europe several times and in Japan...and maybe even other places. I learned this morning it was on American national Television cable channel last night on the "Here TV" network.

Here is what I read this morning in an edited version:

This is from a friend and someone still coming out of the closet and out of Mormonism:

>>Dear Rob,

It's 11:30 PM Tuesday night.  I just finished watching an episode of "Sexplorations" on "here!".  It was the episode where you and [Scott] were interviewed about being gay ex-mormons, and Dan Savage made his little speech.

I was so proud to see the man who has been my mentor, during the coming out phase of my life, standing tall and proud about being gay, and being put through the terrible ordeal of marriage to a woman as "reparative" therapy.  I thought, "Wow, my friend, the man who tells me about his love life and cries on my shoulder as I cry on his, and hugs me when I need to be comforted, is both a TV personality, and a man who is honorable and honest about who he is.  I saw you with your son, and heard you say that you were a better father, since you've come out, and I see that to be true (at least that you are a good father), as you've told me about your experiences with your grown sons.

OMG, how was I so lucky to find you among all of the doctors in town?  If I do believe in God, I believe that it was no coincidence that I was led to you.  I'm so lucky to have you as my mentor.<<

Also last night I spent an hour with my memories and a reporter from Issaquah, who works for the Issaquah Press. When I was in the third grade I was the desk mate of another young Mormon boy, my friend, David Adams. He went missing one night and was never found. I had recently been thinking of him and googled his name and found two things: one that the Issaquah Police had reopened his 'cold' case and that there is an amateur sleuth blog online that talks about such cases. I posted several times on that blog about the loss of David at age 11/12 and my memories of the experience. A reporter read my blog entries and is now writing a story about this case that happened in my third grade year....how a young boy was absconded and never found.....about the memories of a grown man and the loss of a friend from an adult's perspective and as a father. And, I appreciate and cannot wait to read that this reporter has also interviewed David's family and will include their struggle and memories as part of this story.

It is so amazing to be alive today. To see that even the tiniest seed can spread and grow and one never knows what lies around the corner and how being open and speaking up today, living fully, can still have an impact personally and for others as well. The last few days and months have also how once again reminded me how short life really is and how important being open, honest, generous, and trying to forgive and be forgiven for our shortfalls really is part of truly being fully alive. It reminds me to dance when I need to dance; to cry when I need to cry; and to hope for better days when one is feeling as bad and lonely as it can get.

I am just amazed today of the ongoing unfolding of life; how telling one's stories and listening to others can lead to healing and service to others and to oneself.

I am just amazed that I am still here to witness it all. I wish you all the best of holidays and that may the next year be truly better than this last one has been for so many of us. For the Adams' family who still mourn the loss of their son may you find solace that some of us have never forgotten; for my sons may you someday come to understand that I stayed true to my mission in life and accepted the calling I was given--different than what i thought it would be when I was your age, but still the mission I was put here to accomplish.

I have spoken twice recently to my mother about these memories and how time has passed and what we miss and remember and how grateful we still both are to be alive to witness and grow and learn and live.

And, finally, I will post a small and inadequate tribute to one of the men who had some of the greatest impact on my life, my friend, my counselor, coach, and friend, Sean O'Reilly who died this year suddenly from a burst aneurysm in his brain. I miss you. I want you back. I need you. Yet, I hope your journey finds you sewing seeds of love, understanding and forgiveness throughout the heavens. I know The universe must have needed you now, but we do here as well. Thank you for your love and example and being my solace at some of the lowest times of my life. God, I wish you were still here among us.

Good Night. God Bless. Sleep well, and then dance when you need to dance and tell your story over and over until it ends.

Gay In America

Just so you all understand, this is still MY president and why I believe so fully in equality and in America:

Prescriptions and Refills

The most complaints we hear, the more free hours we spend on paperwork during this healthcare crisis, the one issue that seems to bring up so much conflict and time is the issue of prescription refills
So, here are the rules.

When you pick up a drug that needs you to have a blood test before we refill the test, get that scheduled ASAP when you receive your last refill

If you have any questions you have all of our email addresses. Ask us before you run out of the medication if you need a blood test. Examples would be blood pressure, diabetes, HIV medications, and Cholesterol issues. communicate with us.....

If you have a non-life-threatening refill do not expect on a Friday. It would be less rude to ask for these refills from your pharmacy way before the last day of a week.

And, remember all Refill requests should be called to your pharmacy first.

Cholesterol Medications, HIV medications, Diabetes, blood pressure medications and anything toxic to the liver cannot just be continually refilled without a medical visit.

Rob Killian, MD

What is is like being a primary care physician serving an underserved community?

This blog entry is in response to the overwhelming and increasing feeling that the health care crisis is the physicians' fault and that we should be perfect every minute. I guess I must admit that it is exhausting fighting for excellent health care for my patients.

Quite frankly given the last month, like many of us in this role, I am also have been debating giving up email access altogether.It appears to be causing as many problems as it solves and when someone get's mad, boy their anger rises rapidly via email.

The old way, or the way others' do it, is to have the patient come in twice for each visit...to discusss and diagnosis and then to go over results from the lab and the xrays, etc. ....

It is also that of the hundreds of medical insurance claims none of us get an email or fax or letter when benefits change. And, even though at all times it is the patients' responsibility to know what their benefits are, most expect us to know this about their insurance benefits at all times.

Every singe day I feel like i am standing in front of a fire hose going full blast and have to treat the patients in the office with the best health care-- no matter the cost But also have faxes, phones calls, lab results to explain, consulations with other specialists and then the 50-100 emails I am getting per day.

And it all has to be done right now or somehow I don't care.

One of my favorite patients got diagnosed on a Monday recently with a very common disease. With all of the testing we did he still demanded more information and immediate access. It was a Monday morning and I had about 50 charts on my desk, several phone messages, patients waiting to be seen and about 25 emails at that time. He had already emailed me more then three times before 10 AM. And then I phone him immediately. When I could not do so he decided he needed a second opinion and it all fell apart after that. And this was a minor diagnosis, that I knew the cause, the treatment for and had already ruled out other rarer options.

Needless to say, when he asked for and then made an appointment for a second opinion it was a gut punch that still hurts. I wish him well, but, thank God, he is not dying and his new doctor hopefully will not take advantage of his fear or his anxiety.

I admit the work I do is full of surprises and stresses and sometimes un-answered questions. But, if you cannot understand that, then you need to seek out other medical care. Do not add to the intensity of the fire hose. I never leave my office without the urgent issues solved or the urgent questions answered. But, sometimes there is a que for these answers.

Michelle and Shorts.... the weather is over 100 degrees

What is the fuss? This is one of the many reasons we voted for the Obama's in the rirst pace. Let her alone. Let her be comfortble on vacation....
Imagine yourself of TV 24 hours a day and be humble.

Way to Go Michelle. Still voting for you and your family.

Stockholm

THe most beautiful city in the world has changed for me. I love Stockolm. And, if anyone wants to invite me a long to just hang out in this land of Swedes. I am up for it. Taylor and I have still to talk. But talk about a beatiful, European sunny city on the water makes me wnat to leave the dreams of New York Behind and just go live out my days in Stockholm.

It was gay pride the whole week prior to our arrival and we arrived as "the OUT Games" were completing. Let's just say that the partipants were drunker than the locals observing the spetacle. But, al of the city's flags were Rainbow for the week. The Largest shopping mall changes ii's name for one week to "Pride House" and talk but a save and sunny and beautiful

Russia and Estonia and why I travel

I am having laptop problems, but wanted to let my family and friends know I am fine...just spent the last twelve hours in St. Petersburg, and yesterday in Tallin, Estonia. I have lots of photos and so much to say, but at 75 cents/minute on these cruise ships I do not want to waste too much money.


But, Everyone at least once needs to see both Russia and St. Petersburg and then to also see a formerly occupied "Soviet Bloc" country..... Tim, Taylor, and I were lucky enough to see The Czech Republic and I have now been to Croatia and Estonia....


But, I have so many thoughts about my personal history and how it has been shaped and how much internationational politics and history rule our lives and what we think and what we know and what we don't know.

But, St. Petersburg is by far the most beautiful city in the Northern Baltics/Eastern Block. One more day here tomorrow...out in the countryside and then on to Finland.

Berlin: The New Germany.... Where is the real Germany?

Photos will be coming. I just have not had time to edit them. But, I have to write. I am full of such horror and joy and emotion after my day in Berlin, standing at the Reichstag, the Kristalnacht memorial, the only synagogue in Berlin and numerous other buildings representing today and yesterday's Germany. I saw the built in shelves that would host the lost 25,000 books and manuscripts; My heart is full.

But, to stand at the site of the SS headquarters, the land upon which genocide was planned and acted upon. The numerous sites of horror and beauty that this city has is quite stunning. and, mind you....the original buildings are all destroyed and there is an outdoor memorial of photos as they redesign the new 'monument'. Remember this is 55 plus years ago and all there is flattened sand and gravel to walk upon.

Their holocaust memorial is offensive. The stench and names of the dead were no where to be found. The Gypsies, and Christians, and men who dared kill another man, and all of those Jewish communities and families are no where to be found. There is no explanation, story, apoolgy, etc. 2711 cement blocks, No Stench. No Explanation. No not even ASH, but cement that look like coffins in a variety of sizes and levels...no words, no apology, no explanation. Just the fact that the world is making them remember the nameless dead and destroyed that the country still cannot understand. The slaughtered millions...each with a story to tell. They burned their books; they stole their silver and china and art. They spat upon "The Jew'... not realizing in some ways we are all Jews.

I have stopped writing for a time after Berlin. I have much to say. Stockholm was my favorite surprise. Helsinki had the best tour of the day. But, I cannot get past Germany. Maybe some great artist can explain all of the death and now. I will try to put into better words. But, the stench of such hatred is missing. And, I miss it.

And across the street, almost unnoticed is another metal block with a window that shows a short film of men kissing each other. This is their 'apology' for the 50,000 men who were arrested under proclamation 175 that made it a crime of death for a man to kiss another man.

Germany has lived in denial for too long. May light and words and more art begin to enlighten hearts and divisions. May we all be able to acknowledge our sins and beg The Universe for forgiveness!

I loved the day, the horror, but the honor of bringing myself to this place of history and to bring my own honor to those who suffered and fought and the terror that still today fills so many homes across the world. But, this city and the country of Germany has still not fully accepted or explained themselves. Nor have they apologized appropriately for the terror and slaughter and horror they brought to this world

I hope some day to write similar things about the Taliban, those running the, the leaders in Pakistan who cow to the threat of violence done in the name of religion. I vow someday to call Robert Mugabe to account for the horrors he is currently reigning down upon the people of Zimbabwe. I hope our own country, despite electing Barack Obama, can come to grips with the hatred that reigns from pulpits to police halls, the racism, the homophobism, the misunderstanding of each of us humans as brothers first and then to understand there will always be divisions. We may never get past war and hatred and genocide. But, can we hope? Our young tour guide, yesterday from Roostock, Germany, told me that the young are tired of war and fighting. But, the suicide bombers, the soldiers in every religion and in every army seem to be the young.

Can we create a world where all, the young included, want justice and peace and understanding? No one religion over another? No dis-respecting one's religious faith over another?.....and surely not killing over it,

But, in Berlin, a new capitol city once again, cleaned up from it's past, one can tell that this country still a journey to go. "The Reader" in book and film was a good start in the past few years. 'Schindler's List" knocked us into some sense in understanding the depth of loss and also that even some can be heroes during times of terrible trouble. "A Beautiful Life" and "Bent" have taught us that even those imprisoned can find life and meaning among their suffering.

If you to to a group or church that does not preach "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR:" get up and walk out. Not one of those Christian, Jew, or Muslims groups that teach and preach division and hatred deserve your time or effort. If your religion teaches that they hold all of the answers and truth..run as fast as you can away from them. God has many plans and is loving, forgiving and kind We are all the chosen people. PERIOD.

We have a world to heal. Only today works. But, we need to know where injustice is happening now.


In Berlin, they had a night where they, along with 70 other German cities had a night where books were burned. They still burn books in America and other places in the world today. We are all Berliners--as John Kennedy reminded us in his memorable speech after they built a wall around East Berlin to keep their own people in....that all men who love Freedom and hope for a day where no walls are built to keep people from the truth and from learning and experience, the we are all Berliners.

They burned witches and still do in places. These are often Lesbians. Families destroy their gay children today in almost every society, Muslims hate the Jews. And I use such a short sentence to say that..because even the educated and gay Muslims I know are first and foremost anti-semitic. Maybe it goes both ways. I would not be surprised

Now that I have been there. Ich Bin Ein Berliner as well.

Copenhagen

I did not take my camera today....just wanted to wander the city and not be a tourist. Boy, Sweden and Copenhagen are expensive at the moment...thank God, we live in the U.S. right now unless we have to buy European goods.

But, tonight was about food, which is rare in Denmark, since there is not that much good food in either Sweden or Denmark. But, the city is beautiful, clean, and has neighborhoods that remind me of Seattle...from one block to another one can change completely their atmosphere and temperment.....

Leave on the boat tomorrow..... had dinner with two friends from old times who now live on the East Coast tonight...it was the best meal yet. Think of "The Herb Farm" meets "Poppy" on Capitol Hill or "Rain City Grill in Vancouver....everything is local and in season and was wonderful.

Thank you to my patients for giving me this break and for getting to see parts of the world I have never seen: Scandenavia. And. yes, Taylor, I went to a Swedish food market and bought pounds of different candies for you. But, Dave.....still no boxes of chocolate with liquor...maybe when I get to Stockholm.

Malmo, Sweden

My youngest son, spent some of his mission in Malmo, Sweden, the gateway to Sweden...and I got to visit for a few hours today. Just a ticket on the train from Copenhagen and there I was. It is a beautiful, small, and tidy place full of tourist traps..but the countryside is beautiful and with all the water that surrounds Scandanavia...who can complain?

Thank you Taylor for reminding me that it was easy to get from Denmark to Sweden. And. Thank you for being my son.

Doctor and pain medications, sleeping pills, addictive drugs

Just to remind my readers. There are laws governing the prescribing of narcotic and/or addictive drugs. When I say no to such a requests I can give you all of the reasons, but have rarely been asked.

If I feel you are lying or using more than one supplier for a drug habit then I will end our relationship.

If you are willling to recognize a problem then I will work my heart out to get you into help.

But the refill of drugs that I say no to always has at it's core an ethical and /or legal reason.

I just assumed that everyone in the world knew this.

Hiker lost in OUTBACK in Australia found

Hi:

I only heard part of this story tonight on NPR.....but google it. It will warm your heart. Two weeks lost and found alive and the dad had already done a memorial service, but still was so grateful to have a living son at the end. It is heart warming.

there are good stories every day.

Let's focus on that.

Communication with and from your doctor

Email....while convenient and modern and easy, can often lead to conflict between a patient and a physician. See below for the numerous email rules printed here...

I have had two examples this week, which ended sadly for both patients...both angry, hurt, calling me names and thus threatening to damage this work and my career.

Email is a short, uncomplicated way to pass along information. If the questions get complex, the issues become more than miniscule...it is always better to make an appointment. Email can be read in so many different ways.

Also, if you have a life threatening illness and are not seeing and communicating with the doctor more than once a year, something is wrong or you are not following good medical advice. If you have not kept a diary of your blood sugars or your blood pressures, or your emotional state and communicated it with you doctor in several months something is wrong......

Do not be afraid to bring up your worries with your doctor. Plan for your visits. Write down your questions.

Communicate these concerns.

If you misunderstand or feel angered by an answer, it may not be that was what was meant. Think about it. Yes, there are assholes in medicine, but most want to do what is best and right in our fucked up health care system. Most of my colleagues would go to bat for you in a second if you let them.

But, build a relationship with your provider. Understand that your provider did not create our hellish medical system. And, your provider did not give you any of the illnesses you have. Own your story. Be powerful in the relationship with your provider, but also recognize their humanness.

And, see the emails rules posted several times below.

Jennifer Hudson soars at Michael Jackson Memorial...

Hooray for Michael's Mother for asking Jennifer to sing this song.....One knows a star that one can't explain when they see one:

She is one of the greatest. Period. and it seems that only a few of us know this...... And she is just a girl who can sing......even when she wore her friend's orange jumpsuit on American Idol....Wow....to watch her perform with such confidence. Very few people know this, but I saw Jennifer in LA with the man that turned out to kill her mother, sister and nephew...

The stories of life....and loss and love and hope. Good for you Jennifer for coming back and just standing up and doing your thing. You are one of my personal heroes and favorites. I call down the blessings of heaven upon you and your new child soon to be born.

and, Michael...I wish we could have met and I could have warned you about all of the hucksters and snake oil salesmen around you at the time...

Vietnam, China Beach and why I have been so silent

I have thought about breaking my silence a million times. But, I went to Vietnam and other places in Asia in April and I still find that words do not describe this experience...about visiting a war zone, a people I grew up with as 'enemies' and then visiting them in my adulthood and finding a beautiful paradise where they profess forgiveness....



So here are two images from China Beach.....the real China Beach in Vietnam...in Da Nang....the China Beach I was quoted about nationally in the eighties trying to save an incredible television show with Dana Delany and Marg Helgenberger.... Included in this trip was a stop in Ho Chi Ming City....or as we American's know it as 'Saigon'...where I saw the places that were on our televisions in the Johnson, Nixon, and Ford eras.... Where our 'friends' were helicoptered out of and some left behind...


War has been on my mind for awhile now....both what our personal response to it is, our culpability and what our 'leaders' and 'friends' do in the name of freedom and 'democracy' do on our behalf....millions of Vietnamese were slaughtered in my life time over these issues....and today war rages in most parts of the world over religious intolerance, political differences, and hatred.

And, I am stunned.

I tried to save China Beach, the television show...even got to meet the stars of that show as proud supporter of "viewers for quality television or "VQT".... I watched the news of the sixties and the seventies...

and, now I am old or aging and I see war still raging among people and humans and families....and I am stunned.

Stunned into silence. I am unsure of who my enemies are. And, who my fiends are.

I need to go back...I would rather be with the 'vanquished' at this point.....and maybe I am. I am proud to be an American and yet, I am also ashamed of what our country has done in reality to people and nations and peoples....

I love freedom. I hope for mercy.

But, most of all I hope for an end of hatred and killing and division and for death and murder to be disguised by religious zealotry and politics.

We should each be aware enough that we own what our roles are in bringing understanding and peace to the world we live in.

I am not sure what else to say.

Except....travel. See the world; get to see the many sides of the story and meet your enemies....we may have more in common than what we wish to acknowledge.

Rob

I am proud to be an American represented by Barack Hussein Obama

I have just finished reading the speech President Obama gave in Cairo, Egypt today. I have so much to say, but I will add to this later, but most of all I am so proud of him and to have supported his presidency and I am so hopeful for a more peaceful world.
The first and foremost feeling I have is that we now have a Peacemaker as our leader.....and the 'so-called' "Christian" that led us the last eight years we now know what a true peacemaker looks and sounds like....and he is not from Texas and not George Bush or his puppeteer, 'Dick' Cheney....it is a man of experience and hope and love and who wants to change the world.

I will add to this later...but today's speech in Cairo combines with my trip to Vietnam, war as a 'peacemaking' attempt, and the Tiananmen anniversary are all tied together...

Work for healing. We can all live together and we can learn to listen and understand one another!!!!!

Rob

Tiananmen Square

This anniversary is very meaningful for me both because I got to protest at the Chinese Embassy twenty years ago in Washington, DC and because I have subsequently honored these protestors myself at Tiananmen Square in Beijing. The Stranger, this week has some great writing and photos so that we never forget

To see the photos that go with this story you can follow this link...I could not get the link to be automatic:

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/06/04/the-tiananmen-massacre-twenty-years-later


Frontline also has some great coverage of this story and this anniversary here:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/tankman/


I just spent an hour watching this PBS story...and am so moved... it is the enduring image of people standing up to government, military, violence.... I would recommend to anyone who can to spend the time with the front line series....to remember and learn the fullness of what we can about how a pro-freedom movement flourished and then was silenced by both a Chinese government and by those today in the West's technology companies who continue to work with this Communist regime to keep control of it's citizens.

But, this event, twenty years ago, as I struggled to understand my mission in life; to want to survive the coming out process and the mission in medicine I was called to, changed me is still evident today. I break my months long silence on this blog to remember freedom and hope and to be proud to have witnessed this time in history.

But, here is the story in The Stranger today:

The Stranger
The Tiananmen Massacre, Twenty Years Later
posted by JONATHAN GOLOB on THU, JUN 4, 2009 at 11:18 AM


Twenty years ago today, on June 4th 1989, the People's Liberation Army violently ended a student-led pro-democracy protest in Beijing's Tiananmen Square. The protest grew out of the funeral celebrations of Hu Yaobang—an anti-corruption and reformist party member—with crowds collecting around April 15th, 1989.

A few excellent sources exist on the events, and background that lead up to this peaceful protest and it's eventually violent end at the hands of the PLA. The Wikipedia article on the Tiananmen Square massacre, and particularly its references, are a decent place to start.

Even to this day, all the details and even the number who were killed or imprisoned is unknown. When I was a student at Johns Hopkins, I stumbled upon a collection of first-hand accounts and images from the clearing of the streets of Beijing, that I transcribed and scanned: (Some of these images are quite graphic.)




They stood there hand in hand, unarmed - the student pickets... The tanks moved forward, then paused and solders immediately dashed out, and apparently with their guns aimed at us. Many of the students swore not to give way and shouted slogans like 'Down with fascists!' 'Down with autocrats!' At this instant, the machine guns on top of the tanks were tilted down and started strafing the crowd.
All the people in the first row were instantly killed. Then followed the assault troops who raked the crowd with their assault rifles. The tanks then savagely rolled over the first row of the crowd, leaving a paste of human flesh behind its trail....




The armored vehicle approached quickly from the west. As the people were very closely packed, the vehicle simply rammed into the crowd. Immediately, I saw 8 people crushed under its wheels - their bodies were no longer identifiable... The armored vehicle moved to and fro, intending to clear the way for the troops to pass. As it had killed so many people, and as the crowd was determined to protect the unarmed students, the people used concrete stands to set up new barricades. The vehicle broke through the first line of stands, but not the second. Then the people used some iron bars to stop its wheels. Somebody lit a bottle filled with petrol, dropped it into the vehicle through its door and covered it up with huge blankets. After about 10 minutes, a soldier emerged, waving white underwear which he used as a white flag. There were four of them altogether, two of whom were old soldiers with white hair, their rank being at least above that of a lieutenant colonel. Everybody was very furious when they came out and was prepared to tear them into pieces. The soldiers said, 'We understand. We do not want to do this. But we have no choice. Please forgive us.' The people asked, 'Who will forgive you? You are murderers, you have killed so many people, you are so brutal, you must pay for it!' However, the students dissuaded the crowd from killing the soldiers, saying, 'Protect them, for if you hurt them they will have the excuse for further suppression.' ——

Hong Kong and a gay cruise

Hi;


Just to pass along that Hong Kong was everything it has ever been....busy, full of shops, full of art (anyone want to donate some money so I can buy more art?) the boat is small and I am not into the gay pretty boys around the pool.....so am doing other things and looking for my first off the boat all day tour tomorrow at Da Nang City in Vietnam....I am sure I will have something more to report

Thoughts in the middle of travel

I don't know why today I had to tell my family I love them....I am on my way to Hong Kong for a trip that will take me to places I still have never been: Vietnam, parts of Thailand, and Singapore....and as I wrote one of my brothers today.....I feel so blessed to travel and see the world and to let life teach me that I just want that to be my legacy..that rather than growing more cyncical by the day I traveled and learned and heard others' stories and cried with them and felt more compassion for the other as I grew older. I also know I have not been the perfect father or friend at times along the way, and for this I apologize.

If I make it back to my busy life I will update this blog, but if I don't that is what I want my legacy to be...that I lived fully and loved the good and hated the bad and tried to scream at all of the injustice I see in the world and in my personal life; I loved my sons imperfectly, but I loved them none the less. They are incredible. I love my family, especially those who struggled and loved me back despite my imperfections.....and theirs.

I am currently in Vancouver waiting for a flight to Hong Kong.......but this is what I feel as I sit endlessly in an airport and also every day of my life. I am grateful first and angry and sad second. The world is not perfect. I am trying to help improve it and I would ask that those that love me or care about me do the same.

Rob

Taylor's Homecoming address

Hello from Provo, Utah....

Taylor and Miles and (even though it is not the best photo of me) you can see that I am now clean shaven again.


Taylor left on his mission quoting scripture about how he was going to "thrash"a people and change a country and returned a humble, yet proud, young man who talked of love.

I am going to write more, but wanted to share this photo for now and tell both of my kids how great they are and how proud of a dad I am.

Anyone who has paid attention to this post will know that I have my issues with the politics and religious bigotry of the Mormons but I was once again reminded this weekend that my people, as a group, are good people at heart....I just wish that they could be more Christ like and work harder on solving injustice and poverty in the world than in counting numbers and working only to baptize....THe mission of Christ was not just to build a church and support a bureaucracy, but to reach out an heal those who needed healing and to love and teach each of us to love one another.

But, Thank you to the universe for bringing both of my sons through the fire of a mission experience in lands much different than they both knew and for their loving hearts and souls.


(And, yes, I know my tie is too long....I need someone to go with me to help me pack, dress and organize my life, but so far, this is how it turns out for me...)....)

A missionary sons comes home from Sweden

Miles and Taylor are finally reunited.... it has been a long time...and that is Jolene just to the right of Taylor....



Boy it is sweet to have Taylor back in the U.S....

and, it was sweet to be the first one to greet him...and surprise him. His Mother and brother and other family members and friends missed the arrival by about 20 minutes.... So Proud Dad today.

Emailing the Doctor

I am sorry to have to put these new rules into place. But, the work and the demand and the assumption that one gets to repeatedly and 'urgently' interrupt my day with email prompts these new rules.

1. Email is a free service for direct and non-urgent communication or clarification with the doctor.

2. There will be no treatment offered by email. If you are ill you must call the office and make an appointment to be seen.

2.5: ALL pharmacy refill requests are to be directed first to the pharmacist. If you have changed pharmacies, your new pharmacist will help you transfer these scripts.

3. If you feel you want to give me a heads up about what our visit is going to entail, then email is a good way to get it all down on paper, but please explain you do not need a return email so we can then go over it when you arrive.

4. Do not ask me where you should go when you have a life threatening emergency. You should go to the nearest ER or Urgent care center and you should know where that is in proximity to where you live. You should also not think twice about calling 911. Minutes count in Strokes, Heart Attacks, Appendicitis and numerous other instances.

5. If you email me, I will assume the issue is not urgent and will respond when I can. If you phone my staff wanting to know when I will email you back you will lose your email privileges and the staff have been instructed to make you an appointment. Your email will then be printed for our visit but not responded to electronically.

6. If your email is more than two paragraphs long then you should make an appointment. I am already spending two to three hours a day responding to emails. Complicated issues must be dealt with in person.

7. If you have a billing question please contact the office billing staff

8. Please read the numerous policies and FAQs on our website: htttp://www.capitolhillmedical.com many of your insurance questions are already answered there.

9. If you are emailing me three or four times a day you are abusing this system and I may have to abandon it for my own sanity.

10. Your name must be included for liability sake with your email. if your email address does not identify you please remember to sign your email.

I am sure more will follow.

AIDS ACTION AWARENESS DAY: FEBRUARY 18

Here is our HIV provider letter to the Governor and the Washington State Legislature:

February 18, 2009

The Honorable Chris Gregoire
Governor
Office of the Governor
PO Box 40002
Olympia, WA 98504-0002 The Honorable Frank Chopp
Speaker of the House
339C Legislative Building
PO Box 40600
Olympia, WA 98504-0600

The Honorable Lisa Brown
Senate Majority Leader
307 Legislative Building
PO Box 40403
Olympia, WA 98504-0403

Dear Governor Gregoire, Speaker Chopp, and Majority Leader Brown:

We know that Washington State is facing a profound financial crisis and a record deficit, and that as leaders you will be forced to make difficult choices during your deliberations over the state budget. However, we are writing to you today to implore you to retain funding for the many valuable AIDS and AID-related services in the state.

As health care professionals and HIV care providers we are committed to giving care to all who need it regardless of their ability to pay. However, our ability to provide care to those in financial need is directly tied to funding assistance we receive from the state.

As we look out at the landscape we see an ongoing crisis, with providers facing higher infection rates and growing challenges accessing quality care. On AIDS Awareness & Action Day (A3D), February 18, 2009, we will bring several hundred advocates to your offices and the state Capitol to highlight the challenges our community is facing.

On A3D we hope that you will remember that Washington State has been a leader not only in care for people with HIV/AIDS, but in addressing the challenge of covering uninsured children and adults. This state has been a national leader in making sure that the under and uninsured do not go without care or access to medications.

We not only fund the Evergreen Health Insurance Program (EHIP) well, but we fund prevention efforts and we fund the most nutritionally sound food program for the sick in the country. If we cut funding to these programs, all of the progress we have made will have been for nothing, and we face the prospect of turning people away, having some go uninsured and losing access to critical nutrition programs.

As physicians and healthcare providers we know that the uninsured receive care, but they receive it in clinics and emergency rooms when their condition is critical and requires the most costly forms of medical intervention. For every dollar we spend on prevention we save thousands if not hundreds of thousands in treatment costs down the road.

In the midst of a crisis that has tremendous human services implications is not the time to
cut prevention efforts. From our perspective as providers who see patients every day, we see the demand for services increasing rather than diminishing.

We believe that our investment in services should be equal to the healthcare challenges confronting the State of Washington. Please do not cut these essential services.


Sincerely,

Robert Killian, MD
Jeffrey Olliffe, MD
Guy Forte, Rph
Darren Augenstein, PharmD
Peter Shalit, MD
David Aboulafia, MD
David Holt, ARNP
Vy Chu, MD
Steven Carzasty, MSW
Steven Burrows, MD
Wayne Dodge, MD
Jamie Hasse, LPN
Pat Hogan, ARNP
Michael Syputa, LPN
Jason Thams, PharmD

New blog: capitol hill medical

SO...I am dividing my time to our new Capitol Hill Medical blog and answering questions asked of the doctors.... and am enjoying a lot.... you can catch us at: http://blog.capitolhillmedical.com

Look at the answers and ask one of your own that we can respond to....

Rob

Washington State's Budget Crisis means disaster for AIDS Prevention and treatment

Everywhere one turns these days there is crisis, financial troubles, friends and neighbors having lost their jobs or living under the threat of job loss. As an HIV doctor working daily with groups at the greatest risk of contracting or living with this chronic deadly illness these financial woes seem especially frightening.

I have seen some of the proposed budget cuts that are being tendered to AIDS services, insurance programs and prevention efforts that will turn Washington from being a proactive state working on prevention and making sure no one lives without care and access to health care to a state where there are waiting lists, loss of support and access to adequate health care will be more difficult.

This also at a time when HIV infection rates continue unabated and more and more need is forecast for health care.

From my office on First Hill looking out at the landscape of what is pending I want I feel a crisis brewing that could lead to more disease, more death, less access to health care and the loss of many of our valuable prevention efforts and support programs.

From Insurance expansion and access to medications; from efforts at peer education and preventative approaches; to feeding and housing the weakest among us, I would beg that budgets cuts for these vital programs be maintained at the very least current levels and not cut.

We are in a crisis that remains unabated. Help!!!
You can link to the Life Long AIDS Action blog and activities here:

BIN 941

So...enough of the personal stuff.

I spent the evening watching over the kitchen at BIN 941 (941 Davie Street, Vancouver, BC)...

This was my second visit....and although I still haven't share my favorite restaurant in the world with this blog yet.....This would be a close second. Undiscovered by tourists and brilliant should be enough to get you in the door... But, this hole in the wall on Davie street in Vancouver is literally like watching Top Chef compete dish after dish.... The food is phenomenal and creative and never served imperfect. Period. The wine list--stay with the local wines they recommend......

But, I will go back again and again.....


And yes, in a perfect world I would be Rick Steve's partner and co-guide, but for the undiscovered and non-tourist food and travel that make up much of the world.

Milk

Milk

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So...this movie could not have come out at a more perfect time personally or professionally. It was inspiring and thought provoking and sad, in a way, that all that we have lost along the way--the struggle just for civil equality and understanding in this world--still remains lost. Here is one of the heroes of our time...an imperfect man who tried to change the world. Thank God to Gus Van Sant and Sean Penn and all those involved in this movie... it was Brilliant.

Proposition 8: The Musical

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

My Resignation letter from the Church

I had planned on waiting till my youngest son had returned from his mission before making this formal. But, he has made it clear his choices and his feelings. I can no longer wait for this to happen. I have formally and hereby, publicly, share my resignation letter from the Mormon Church:

November 24, 2008

Member Records
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints
50 E. North Temple, Room 1372
Salt Lake City, Utah 84150-5310

To Whom It May Concern:



I hereby resign my membership in the church. I do not and will not meet with my local Bishop or Stake President, but do expect an acknowledgement from the church that my name has been removed from the membership roles of the church.

This letter is to be considered effective as of the moment you receive it. I hereby waive any and all "waiting periods" or delays for reconsideration and instruct you not to try to impose any such delays. As of this moment I am no longer a member of the church, and am not to be treated as such in any way shape or form. Any attempt to treat me as a member after your receipt of this letter, including any contact other than your official written acknowledgment of my resignation will be deemed an invasion of privacy and will be met with immediate litigation to secure my rights in the free exercise of religion. No official policies or procedures of the church can be used to negate the immediate efficacy of this resignation.

I am a father of two sons...I grew up religious and Mormon...I served a mission and when I got home it all got really complicated. I fell in love with a boy from BYU--but no sex was involved--just the feelings and the desire and the hope he would love me back.

I went to my Bishop with these feelings. He blessed me for being sin free and promised me that if I married these feelings would go away and just have been a test...

I married within six months to the only girl I knew and had ever really connected with...

But, six years and two sons later the feelings had never disappeared...they had only grown stronger and they infected my life and my dreams and since God had not changed me, I felt unworthy and that I should die...

But, I could not leave me sons....

And, after therapy and time I came out and discussed this with my wife and family... They all knew. But, had been too afraid to talk to me and did not know what to say.

Now, sixteen years later. I am out and proud and working hard to pay the bills, to keep my love life real and to have a life full and rich and rewarding. I serve my community daily. I still feel like a missionary in the church, still.

Then, Prop 8 passes and I am right back in that place where I am struggling to hold on to my relationship with my Mormon sons, my family is silent and some are true to the faith and some are not. But, my boys, my kids, the people who I believe helped keep me alive during my darkest struggles to understand what being gay and alive was all about are still very committed to their belief and their church and I still question if I have a family and if my love for them has been enough.

And, then I learn that some many strangers who want to save marriage have donated money and time and lies and such to a political campaign to interfere with my work and my love and my family.

I blame you.

I have stopped attending church, but was waiting to send this letter until my youngest son had returned from his mission. I did not want my resignation to hurt them in any way; I did not want to publicly criticize the church at any time that may hurt their growth through their missions.

I also hereby call you to repent. You have ignored the pain of your gay and lesbian and transgendered children for too long. When I look at the traditional family in our world today and what is hurting it the most I see divorce, abuse, addiction, dishonesty, poverty. But, I don’t see gay and lesbian marriage anywhere in the list of what the modern family is struggling with. Yet, you are willing to pile on abuse and hatred against those already outcast. Can you imagine what you could do for good in the world if you really addressed what the family is facing in today’s world?

Jesus Christ suffered for your sins. He suffers today as these children and their families struggle to find love and forgiveness and self-respect and dignity. He would be on the side of healing and not on the side of hatred and misunderstanding and ignorance.

Shame on the church for losing sight of what the Lord’s mission in the world truly is. I walk away with my dignity intact and I call upon heaven to rain down destruction upon you until you are on your knees begging forgiveness for the pain you have caused your lesbian, gay and bisexual childre--and their families-- for so long.


Sincerely



Robert Killian, MD/MPH
Seattle, WA