Death, aging, broken promises, loss.....cancer?

So....when I was eighteen months old I must have cried too long or too loud and my father picked up my highchair and flung me across the kitchen into the kitchen wall. 17 years ago I learned that I had three compression fractures from that incident and at that point my T4-7 Vertebrae were 1/3 rd the size that they should be.

I did not hurt. I was a student a young father and nothing could slow me down.

Now I ache and have a curvature in my back and I finally took some time to see the back doctor......He has subsequently discovered that my back is curved due to this from 20%to69%. We did an MRI and I just learned today that I have a new fracture in the third vertebrae of the thoracic spine....so big guns get pulled out, lots more testing for bone disease, cancer, other injuries, and even the thought of eventual thoracic collapse and paralysis.....

So, to name a few things. If this is the last thing I post for awhile. I believe I was sent here on a mission and to my best ability as a human I have fulfilled it. I have loved and spoiled my children; I have helped family when I could. I have tried. I have built a business. If this is the end or the beginning of the end I will go out in glory and light and laughter....because I was honest and brave and fought for injustice at every opportunity I could.

Was I perfect?

No, of course not.

But, did I live? Yes. Fully. I have been in nearly every part of the world. I have been a believer and a non-believer. I have loved and been loved. I have been hated and had hated back. I have felt every emotion a human can feel. I am scared for my meeting this week with the specialist......But, If it is bad news I had already fought all the fights I need to fight. I plan on being here a long while yet, but if I am not, then I will have left behind my work and those who will finish it. And if one looks just at the black and white I am a believer of a life that persists. I just don't think we can even imagine what the next part of the journey will entail.

I have left two sons who I hope will see me for the brave man that I was given the times. But as their father I have had to recently put the reigns on being taken advantage of. Not one of them thanked me for supporting their missions. One has never come to visit the Killians' side of the family since his mission. Sad and missed opportunities. But each of us makes choices we live with good and bad. It is his complete loss and just our disappointment. I get it: 15 months and no attempts to see your family on the 'non-Mormon side".....as if we are contagious or something. What a way to show love, mercy and gratitude. What a way to say thank you for your life and the opportunities it afforded you. But, we live with our choices.

So, live or die soon, I will be at the office. Please don't comment on my humped and aching back deformity. I am fighting for a few more years of this life......and just you watch. I will get it.

Rob