Eat. Love, Pray

As you know, I am a sucker for travel, adventure, growing with experience, so this movie yelled at me to be the first in line when it opened this weekend. And I love both Julia and Javier and have followed their careers like a fan. This is a movie not to be missed, nor dismissed.

And, Gawd, what a gold mine of stories, and vistas and new cities to visit and a reminder of new truths mixed in with old to keep me honest in telling my story.

Love.......honestly. I had lost faith in its reality. Yet, I am reminded today that one must be hopeful and open and available to not only love, but to offer it back as the opportunity presents itself.

Forgiveness is key here too. We humans make mistakes; we say the wrong things, we choose the wrong partner, at times, and we don't have guide books on how to live the happiest lives. Pain. loss. Anger, Mistakes. Jealousies. Miscommunication happens among the best of friends as well as families. Memory is tainted by our filters and assumptions. Not just by what we see, hear, or witness.

I am reminded today that I would give my death for my brothers and sisters and their families. I am reminded that I have several friends who I cherish. I have not been the best brother or friend in the past year. I also am a father of two sons. I have been a good father given the hands we have been dealt. But, even there, the relationships feels lost and broken.

I have never had to ask for help.

But, here in pubic, I write that I have had a very bad 18 months. From Divorce, to the death of my friend and therapist, telling 30 people they have HIV and 20 that they have cancer to six suicide attempts and one death among those. I also had the sad honor to discuss a boy's death with a bewildered mother, who stopped seeing me in 2008 and did not see anyone since. He was my sons' age and died from end stage AIDS from Cryptococcal Meningitis this week. He was HIV negative last time we met. He had not been to see me for over two years and at our last visit refused an HIV test. If only we knew then we could have monitored and prevented this outcome at such an early age. He was barely out of high school. I also have edited a book about to be printed, helped tell the story of RiseN'Shine through a documentary that is winning awards at independent film festivals. I have had such gifts and grace given to me that I know that my mission is not complete; I am working on the balance and trying to take care of myself as well as I try to take care of my patients.

I am battling back from the loss of friends, patients, family, depression, disappointment and also learning to live for love and honesty; to travel again. There is no time to sit and feel sorry for myself. The time now is for me to heal and help those I can in my immediate life heal as best they can.

So, here are my new rules of living:

Forgive when you can and ask for forgiveness as needed

Judge less

Meddle less

Pay my bills and get my debt down

Thank God for saving my life after falling forty feet and rather than dying or being paralyzed coming out of the other end with a broken spine and a Physical Therapist that is helping me recover very well.

I turn 50 in a few weeks. I will not be home for most of the next three months. My building is being renovated; new walls and new windows are being installed....My place is packed away to protect the art and rugs and furniture.

I will be in Greece, London, Venice, Croatia, LA, New York, Washington, DC. All of the hotels are paid for, so if anyone wants to join me just let me know and get there. (Thank you God, again for frequent flier miles) I will try to post my ongoing recovery. but after a 18 month struggle the recovery is well underway, finally. And, thank you especially for those of you in Atlanta, thank you for helping me realize that I am beginning to recover and find hope again; for being loving and kind at a time I felt I did not deserve it.

To my dearest friends and family. I have had a very bad year. I apologize if I have offended and I apologize if you in any way do not understand that I love you and support you fully. I know you have stopped returning my calls, texts, and emails. But, I believe that family wins in the end. I am alive, here, working on my faults and ready to apologize and also ready to be forgiven when you are.

To Sean. Thank you for sending me your lover David so we could finally mourn together your calling to a new world and life and for leaving us here alone without you. I surely know I miss you as do many many others here trying to make sense of it all. I cannot wait for your guidance on the other side.

Thank you Julia and Javier for your work in this film and for the writers who put the words into your mouths to remind me that love is 'off balance' and yet, still worth it....and that sometimes a little prayer is needed to counter balance our own fears and failures.

Rob