A Doctor Travels

Harry Potter

2010-11-19T16:27:00.000-08:00

Hello from my secret place where I am sleeping, reading and going to movies, trying to regenerate and catch up.

I saw the first part of the Last Harry Potter movies......it was as good as any other movie...but still does not compare to the depth of the series of books and how Ms. Rowling drew us in to a discussion about living and dying and fighting evil and how we can and should choose our journey in life and then follow the path that the Universe hands us. She made this discussion accessible to children and teens and their parents and grandparents.

I gave a very heart felt Tribute to Ms. Rowling in 2007 in an earlier entry when I was reading this last book.....I have even updated that with more commentary this month.

But, once again, Thank you Jo, thank you for being so wise and true to the story you were given and got to tell to millions of us. Thank you for the time and connection your story gave to me and my sons in our struggle as a Gay Father with Two Religious sons.

And, thank you Jo for not hiding the reality of the story of dying that accompanies living.

Rob

12 Hours in Venice So far....

2010-10-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am traveling, and I have failed to bring a camera along......maybe there is something psychological in that...but let's not stray from the path. I am exhausted, I have flown so many hours just to get here, but have had two meals where no one spoke English and so far the goal of this trip, is happening as planned: To discover Venice avoiding all of the tourist spots, to discover Italian Venice...... not just the Grand Canal and St. Marks Square.

Like the Himalayas, Like the Taj Mahal, Venice has to be experienced. Nothing in film, description, or pictures prepares you for the reality of this place.

I came this time to heal; to work on my humanity; to listen to the Universe. And, such a beautiful place to start.... For this I am grateful.

I am still reading the book, the journey of a woman back to herself in Eat, Pray, Love. I just want to copy her words, they speak so loudly to me. It is like I should not be writing. The words are already in print.

But, I began this trip with a miracle. I got to inform a patient he did not cancer when both of us thought he did. There has been so much pain lately; So much bad news; So significantly more than usual.....that I cannot explain it.

I also worked my last night in Seattle till after 1 AM, the longest day of my career post residency....but I also got to teach at the University of Washington Medical School for the first time that day......and was reinvigorated by the enthusiasm and idealism of the students....I have hope for the future of medicine and that others will be there to carry the torch of activism and peace and social justice and healing.

The universe conspired to switch my seats on the flight from Seattle, and I sat next to one of the most interesting men I have ever met. An American Indian Tribal leader who writes, travels the world speaking and working on policies to heal and help indiginous peoples in the world; we discussed poverty, isolation, the lack of access to health care, the lack of understanding that in the 'system' we live in there are people who are ready to help and be available and how to get that information to those who do not trust the White man, the system, the larger nation we both live in.

So, for now, since I have had wine with dinner I will end this tale....but I am still full of stories and adventures and feel at 50, like I am just beginning to explore and live and travel and understand the awe of the Universe and this opportunity to be alive.

Rob

Ignoring the Entertainment value.....I LOVE GLEE

2010-10-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

There, I said it out loud. I am a fifty year old man, a screaming queen, a political activist who still believes we can change the world and increase PEACE.

I am tired of sadness, gloom, hatred.

LIFE. Love. Connection.

God, if I could kiss the producers, writers and all who made GLEE possible to be on television, let alone on FOX......Oh, my God. In such simple and honest ways each week the messages gets better, stronger and are just so simple and make a louder statement. At this time when the reality of violence against lesbians and gay men and transgendered people are leading the headlines.....here is the statement. We are all different from each other and yet, we really are all the same. We are human. We are brothers and sisters. We are connected. We each deserve to live, to love, to grow, to learn, to apologize, to make mistakes, to experience the fullness of living. And we each deserve to feel our feelings and we deserve to love and be loved in return.

Just for those who notice. I have begun praying daily again. I send out my prayers as often as I can remember to do so. I pray. And tonight this is my prayer of gratitude. Thank you God for life. Thank you for the gifts and lately, the daily reminder that this is real and important and necessary. Thank you.

We are alive.

Happy Days are Here Again. Go on get happy. Shout Hallelujah!!!! Come on get happy.

Go.....Live... Dance, and, need I say it? GO EAT!!!!

Rob, learning to live again.

Once again, I got it backwards: It is: Love, Pray and Eat.

2010-10-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

So...I could write two or three books about my life and the people I interact with and the travels that have ensued since my last entry. And, I am on the verge of traveling again, this next week to Venice, Italy........ I should be writing.

But, tonight, I am 20% through the book of Eat, Pray, Love. I usually make it a habit to read a book before I see the movie. This time I got it right because in a way the Movie was healing.

But, once again, in my experience, the book is better and more complete.

Every day this past two weeks I've delivered bad news to someone and also had some miracles and joy between each low. I am learning to love again and learning to live again and to travel. I have whispered goodbye to someone, and have one more angel watching over me and those I care for.

I have a whole story about New Orleans and my birthday that should be in a book, not just on a blog.

But, I am ready to write again. I am living....

And, the mantra is: Be grateful for the gifts, work through the pain, learn to grow........ and try to love.

Then: EAT!

Rob

Light, Rain in London, why we travel

2010-08-28T03:38:00.001-07:00

Light, Rain in London, why we travel

2010-08-28T03:38:00.000-07:00

So much to discuss for this long vacation that is just getting started. Even though it rained the whole time I was in London, I could have just stayed there and been happy. There is such an energy in that city. I talked to other travelers, had my dinner at Balans, and saw Priscilla before scurrying back to Paddington so I could sleep a bit before traveling on to Greece.

I must admit I did not bring my camera with me. There must be something psychological about it and this trip being my own.

But the moment I touched down after another long day of travel in Santorini, I remembered why I chose this as my birthday trip. The light and life is different hear. I am, staying at a beautiful place with 360 degree views of the water around us and the caldara that forms this beautiful Island.

Sunset last night was breathtaking. As was dinner. And that started with my favorite: Tazhiki sauce......the second favorite part of Greece behind the sun and sunsets.....

Today is quiet. I am relaxing. I have swum in the pool, eaten a nice lunch and read on my Kindle. Relaxation is starting to set in finally. As usual, it takes a few days before I feel fine with no plans and no agenda.

But, Come to Greece at some point in your lives. It is magical.....even on the third trip here.

Eat. Love, Pray

2010-08-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

As you know, I am a sucker for travel, adventure, growing with experience, so this movie yelled at me to be the first in line when it opened this weekend. And I love both Julia and Javier and have followed their careers like a fan. This is a movie not to be missed, nor dismissed.

And, Gawd, what a gold mine of stories, and vistas and new cities to visit and a reminder of new truths mixed in with old to keep me honest in telling my story.

Love.......honestly. I had lost faith in its reality. Yet, I am reminded today that one must be hopeful and open and available to not only love, but to offer it back as the opportunity presents itself.

Forgiveness is key here too. We humans make mistakes; we say the wrong things, we choose the wrong partner, at times, and we don't have guide books on how to live the happiest lives. Pain. loss. Anger, Mistakes. Jealousies. Miscommunication happens among the best of friends as well as families. Memory is tainted by our filters and assumptions. Not just by what we see, hear, or witness.

I am reminded today that I would give my death for my brothers and sisters and their families. I am reminded that I have several friends who I cherish. I have not been the best brother or friend in the past year. I also am a father of two sons. I have been a good father given the hands we have been dealt. But, even there, the relationships feels lost and broken.

I have never had to ask for help.

But, here in pubic, I write that I have had a very bad 18 months. From Divorce, to the death of my friend and therapist, telling 30 people they have HIV and 20 that they have cancer to six suicide attempts and one death among those. I also had the sad honor to discuss a boy's death with a bewildered mother, who stopped seeing me in 2008 and did not see anyone since. He was my sons' age and died from end stage AIDS from Cryptococcal Meningitis this week. He was HIV negative last time we met. He had not been to see me for over two years and at our last visit refused an HIV test. If only we knew then we could have monitored and prevented this outcome at such an early age. He was barely out of high school. I also have edited a book about to be printed, helped tell the story of RiseN'Shine through a documentary that is winning awards at independent film festivals. I have had such gifts and grace given to me that I know that my mission is not complete; I am working on the balance and trying to take care of myself as well as I try to take care of my patients.

I am battling back from the loss of friends, patients, family, depression, disappointment and also learning to live for love and honesty; to travel again. There is no time to sit and feel sorry for myself. The time now is for me to heal and help those I can in my immediate life heal as best they can.

So, here are my new rules of living:

Forgive when you can and ask for forgiveness as needed

Judge less

Meddle less

Pay my bills and get my debt down

Thank God for saving my life after falling forty feet and rather than dying or being paralyzed coming out of the other end with a broken spine and a Physical Therapist that is helping me recover very well.

I turn 50 in a few weeks. I will not be home for most of the next three months. My building is being renovated; new walls and new windows are being installed....My place is packed away to protect the art and rugs and furniture.

I will be in Greece, London, Venice, Croatia, LA, New York, Washington, DC. All of the hotels are paid for, so if anyone wants to join me just let me know and get there. (Thank you God, again for frequent flier miles) I will try to post my ongoing recovery. but after a 18 month struggle the recovery is well underway, finally. And, thank you especially for those of you in Atlanta, thank you for helping me realize that I am beginning to recover and find hope again; for being loving and kind at a time I felt I did not deserve it.

To my dearest friends and family. I have had a very bad year. I apologize if I have offended and I apologize if you in any way do not understand that I love you and support you fully. I know you have stopped returning my calls, texts, and emails. But, I believe that family wins in the end. I am alive, here, working on my faults and ready to apologize and also ready to be forgiven when you are.

To Sean. Thank you for sending me your lover David so we could finally mourn together your calling to a new world and life and for leaving us here alone without you. I surely know I miss you as do many many others here trying to make sense of it all. I cannot wait for your guidance on the other side.

Thank you Julia and Javier for your work in this film and for the writers who put the words into your mouths to remind me that love is 'off balance' and yet, still worth it....and that sometimes a little prayer is needed to counter balance our own fears and failures.

Rob

An Ode to Pat Conroy

2010-08-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

Some of my closest friends know this, but there is an American Author living today who is one of the greatest writers and repeatedly changed my life by telling his stories who I had given up on.

His name is Pat Conroy. He is of Charleston, South Carolina and is extremely well known for his books: "The Great Santini", "The Lords of Discipline," and "The Prince of Tides". There are others. But it has been years since this man published anything new.

I know of no one better to tell the tales of family--both the love and hate, the cost of abuse, the real struggles of integrating the races in the American South, etc.

For me he is my hero as an author and as someone that has repeatedly put into words my own traumas, disappointments, courage, reason for my activism and my loud need to right injustice.

And, finally he is out with a new book. Just when I had decided he had said his say and made peace with his life. He Hits another Home Run with the book, 'South Of Broad'.

Again this is about racism, family trauma, real life.....and he tells it with a story tellers' wit and anguish that is unmistakably his gift and voice. Thank you Mr. Conroy. I wish someday to tell you that as I shake your hand and look you in the eye. From the Great Santini, where you uncompromisingly tell my story of abuse by a parent and the hatred a father has towards his son, to the love and devotion you gave in the Prince of Tides to a mother who allowed such abuse and covered it up with gentility.

I am now just 25% of the way through the "South of Broad" and am proud to finally be able to say thank you again for writing and telling stories that Americans and families need to hear.

You speak to me; you have healed me at times; You have taught me to look for meaning and beauty in this messed up world. You are my favorite American Author and I honor you for returning to the pen and publishing your stories.

Rob

It is about LOVE

2010-08-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

I just watched "Proposition 8: the Documentary"

about how Mormons funded hatred and bigotry.......

Let me tell you. I am done with my people.

I am done with hatred.

I am about Love and supporting love in this tough world.

The MORMONS funded, lied, and influenced and continue to influence bigotry around this nation. They should know better having been persecutred themselves.

God will Judge. And, I will stand with the righteous at the end and both answer for my own sins, but will testify against the liars and haters and bigots in the Mormon Church.

I wish you all a lifetime of hatred, hell, and pain for the pain and agony and perverse sickness that leads you to fight against love and forgiveness.

I will be standing there at the end for each of you. And, some I will speak on behalf of and some I will testify against. HATRED no matter how it is spelled is still hatred and bigotry and discrimination.

For those of you know had family and friends beaten and killed for their beliefs back when it was the haters who stood against Mormons, to stand with the haters and bigots now. I pity you.

I NO LONGER Call you my people. You are as a group, the most pathetic 'religious' organization in America second only to the worldwide Pedophilia lovers known as Catholics.

Rob

The British Government today apologized for Bloody Sunday in 1914

2010-06-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

So, In case this means little or nothing to you.....this is one of the biggest moves towards forgiveness and peace in my lifetime.

I would recommend Jamie O'Neill's book, 'At Swim, Two Boys' one of the most incredible books of my lifetime to describe who was lost on that Sunday.

I applaud the new Government of Great Britain for this acknowledgement. But, don't forget these are real people the government set up and killed. I would bet you would not read better literature than Mr. O'Neill's story of that day and what led up to it in your lifetime. I even went to Dublin to verify and follow the journey of his characters after reading his book. 1914. Nearly 100 years later and finally an attempt by a government to come clean. Miracles never cease to happen. Congratulations to the Irish and to Mr. O'Neill personally. A miracle happened today and you are part of having made that happen.

Today the British Government Apologized for 'Bloody Sunday"

2010-06-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

In case this is out of context, please read: "Two Birds, One Stone" by

Death, aging, broken promises, loss.....cancer?

2010-06-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

So....when I was eighteen months old I must have cried too long or too loud and my father picked up my highchair and flung me across the kitchen into the kitchen wall. 17 years ago I learned that I had three compression fractures from that incident and at that point my T4-7 Vertebrae were 1/3 rd the size that they should be.

I did not hurt. I was a student a young father and nothing could slow me down.

Now I ache and have a curvature in my back and I finally took some time to see the back doctor......He has subsequently discovered that my back is curved due to this from 20%to69%. We did an MRI and I just learned today that I have a new fracture in the third vertebrae of the thoracic spine....so big guns get pulled out, lots more testing for bone disease, cancer, other injuries, and even the thought of eventual thoracic collapse and paralysis.....

So, to name a few things. If this is the last thing I post for awhile. I believe I was sent here on a mission and to my best ability as a human I have fulfilled it. I have loved and spoiled my children; I have helped family when I could. I have tried. I have built a business. If this is the end or the beginning of the end I will go out in glory and light and laughter....because I was honest and brave and fought for injustice at every opportunity I could.

Was I perfect?

No, of course not.

But, did I live? Yes. Fully. I have been in nearly every part of the world. I have been a believer and a non-believer. I have loved and been loved. I have been hated and had hated back. I have felt every emotion a human can feel. I am scared for my meeting this week with the specialist......But, If it is bad news I had already fought all the fights I need to fight. I plan on being here a long while yet, but if I am not, then I will have left behind my work and those who will finish it. And if one looks just at the black and white I am a believer of a life that persists. I just don't think we can even imagine what the next part of the journey will entail.

I have left two sons who I hope will see me for the brave man that I was given the times. But as their father I have had to recently put the reigns on being taken advantage of. Not one of them thanked me for supporting their missions. One has never come to visit the Killians' side of the family since his mission. Sad and missed opportunities. But each of us makes choices we live with good and bad. It is his complete loss and just our disappointment. I get it: 15 months and no attempts to see your family on the 'non-Mormon side".....as if we are contagious or something. What a way to show love, mercy and gratitude. What a way to say thank you for your life and the opportunities it afforded you. But, we live with our choices.

So, live or die soon, I will be at the office. Please don't comment on my humped and aching back deformity. I am fighting for a few more years of this life......and just you watch. I will get it.

Rob

A new World

2010-05-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hello from New York City.

Here is where I see theatre, see celebrities, and eat well

This weekend, so far, has been no different.

I am taking care of myself as best I can and eating well.

I love this town........even if it if a cliche'

Tonight was Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth and AQUAVIT.

No one can beat that.

I am healing and healthy and loving living.

Rob

Let's start slow

2010-05-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

If anyone reading this blog is still going to the Mormon or Catholic church, just to mention two of them. Let's start slow and donate our money to the homeless or food banks and not to the church anymore.

The Church, no matter the theology, is corrupt.

Stop donating money to them.

But, there are homeless and sick children and a million other reasons to donate and answer your call to help.

But, no more to the religions of the world. Can you imagine the Mormons or the Catholics with just one million dollars less per week?

It would be a miracle.

Stop donating money to religious organizations and donate to those that serve the truly needy.

The Pope can stop wearing Prada and the Prophet can stop getting custom tailored suits. Wow, wouldn't that be a miracle?

Rob

LOVE

2010-04-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

I know I have written about Las Vegas and Love before. But, if you miss this show you will regret it your whole life.

But, I am writing about it again as a son, a father , and as a brother and I still believe in Love. I know it does not always work out.

The anonymous commenters on this blog, especially, the last one, told me to take a step back and not just assume an attack against me was out of spite, but may be out of concern.

I spent the weekend working and being away at the same time.

I tried to save a man's job and may have failed. But, if we can save the man, then so be it. That is how I would vote. Save the man first and the job second.

I watched LOVE from the fifth row at The Mirage last night. DO NOT MISS THIS SHOW. I could care less what you think about the Beattles. But, Cirque Du Soleil, took their music and in creative and jaw dropping ways told the times and the music that made the Beattles the Icons that they are. And that is ART and it can be life changing.

Do Not Miss this show.

Because, in my life. I want and hope someday, to put all the backstory with the 'fame' and 'infamy' and 'human' that I am to tell you I have loved and still do; that I work every day to save lives and souls; and that the least among us may be the one worth saving.

Facebook and other social sites as your way of announcing major personal choices

2010-04-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

So

As many of you know. I have had some personal traumas in my family this year and these have led to silence and accusations and angry emails. Most of the traumas have come via announcements by family members through Facebook emails.

I would be cautious if I was to send to my family decisions and actions publicly before they were privately communicated.

No one likes to be shocked or left out in a family where the only communication is through social networking sites and no phone calls or emails are sent prior to public announcements of change and decisions. It smacks of a lack of understanding, lack of resect and I find it a cheap but demeaning way to find out complex news from my own family.

Thus I will not be participating in any future social networking site. Anyone in my family or close circle of friends knows that I have email and a cell phone and an address where I can be easily contacted before they share to the world private family and personal information.

Misusing social networks to communicate to your own inner circle is shockingly offensive. If that is not obvious, then I would wonder if you shouldn't rethink the way you view the world, yourself and your family. I I would add that name calling and texting nasty message is right up there on the offense meter, especially before conversation and explanation can be obtained.

Your true friends and family need to hear from you and understand before you announce to the world information that may upset or harm personal relationships.

Rob

What the Media is not reporting

2010-04-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

Again, Ratzinger (The Pope) is being defended full force with press releases and a lazy media that he had nothing to do with pedophilia, etc.

But, I am sorry, Cardinal Ratzinger, a Nazi student and warrior during world war II, also spent 30 years at the Vatican going around the world getting rid of Cardinals and Archbishops who worked with other religious groups, who worked with the outcast such as the homeless, the homosexuals, and womens' ogranizations but he did not get rid of priests who were pedophilias.

Why, would one wonder would such a man protect those who abused the young over the rights of women? or Equality? or Dialogue?

One would wonder. Wouldn't they? And why would the media let this ride? Think about it.

The Catholic Church and it's leaders have no MORAL authority as many other religious leaders do not.

And finally when I have given up Mawreen Dowd asks this very same question this weekend in her New York Times' Article. So, I am not alone in wondering and asking....http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/11/opinion/11dowd.html?hp

At least there are two of us who see that in 2010 it is time for Women to act like Men.

Rob

My response to the Church

2010-04-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Here is the letter I wrote after multiple phone calls the past week from the Mormons:

April 7, 2010

Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm Matthews.

By now you have heard my phone calls. They have stopped. I just wanted you to know that after all of these years, I am ready for more than memories. I have deleted (without listening) to your messages all phone calls you have made in return.

I hold both of you responsible for both the Mitchell’s tragedy and for the abuse my mother took from my father and what he did to me and my siblings. I have three crushed vertebrae, caused in my childhood, ‘surprisingly’. You were adults. You were church authorities. You were our neighbors. You could not have been that ignorant. Helpless childrens' innocence and lives were at stake. You readily accepted your ‘assignments’ as leaders in ‘the church’. You did not call the police or have the molesters and abusers answer for their crimes.

You did nothing to protect any of us. It would be very educational to get all of the teens who went to Seminary under your leadership and Sister Mitchell’s Seminary class together to get our full stories of the past and the church’s role. And that is part of my surprise. It is amazing when as an adult you can collect memories and stories, and the internet, and facebook and questions bring answers that seemed impossible a life time ago.

I have first hand evidence that you knew of both of the above accusations. I have more.

I also have a few more surprises for others like you involved in the protection of molesters, abusers and the infrastructure of the church.

If you die before this is all out I will stand at your judgment seat and speak against you and beg God to condemn you all to hell. But, I will also bring civil charges against your estate and the church and anyone involved at the time.

If you want this to stop you will, in writing, get your stake president (small caps) at the time, Bishop Cowen and Dr. Robert Folkman in a room to meet with me personally so I can get each of your apologies and explanation. I will reserve the right to have my attorney with me so that if I choose to sue you for the abuse and lies and cover up in a civil matter I will do so. I would recommend you do the same.

I am old enough now, a father my own, an educated man, and I lived during the time of your leadership and lives. I blame you and many others for not protecting the innocent. I blame you and the Folkman’s in particular along with the Baileys for not calling the police when you knew.

When you are ready to arrange a meeting with all of the above mentioned I would answer and return your phone calls. I am ready for a meeting and will bring all of my accusations and demands at that time.

But, until then. You have heard what I have to say. I have evidence and memory and more to share should you continue to protect yourselves and the church. This will include the Boy Scouts, others who were young under yours and other church leadership at the time, and attorney’s who work on behalf of the abused and molested and some other surprises.

I now, at 50, cannot believe you chose the choices you made back in the sixties and seventies. Only one word comes to mind and that is Shame and Regret. I am a father of two sons. And, I would put my life on the line in every way to protect them over anyone or anything that would harm them. Shame on you for not protecting us. And, shame on your wife and those other church leaders I have named for not doing the same.

I will meet you, your wives and all of the above once only.

I have written the whole story for publication and my attorney’s have it should I not out live the ending of our lives.

Rob Killian, MD/MPH
Seattle, WA

The most flattering story about me in the press

2010-04-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Nicole Brodeur a Columnist for the Seattle times put this column into print:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nicolebrodeur/2011504292_nicole02m.html

I am humbled and do not know how to thank her for amplifying my concern a thousand fold

Rob

Medicare Authorization held up in congress by a 'physician'.

2010-03-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

So.....

For fifteen years I have seen anyone who walked into my clinic..... from 2003-2008 I worked harder and made less money each year.

Now, Senator Tom Coburn, a physician and right wing idealogue from Okalahoma today announced a hold against the reauthorization of Medicare...which could prove indefinite since 60 senators have to vote his hold out.....that would, if not pass, immediately reduce the payments of medicare to physicians, hospitals and pharmacies by 21.2% starting April 1, 2010.

That means, for me, all of my patients on Medicare or Medicaid or both will even cost me more to serve them since I don't get paid enough now to cover the cost of providing them care.

I have written everyone I can think of.

But I am a lone voice.

Do I keep doing my work and stay true to my calling? or do I go bankrupt in the process?

Do I immediately abandon those on Medicare and force them out of my practice? when no one else will take them on either?

I am only one voice. But this is real life for me. If anyone can get to Tom Coburn, fake Senator and fake physician and true idealogue that he is, please do so in the name of the thousands of Americans his actions will harm today.

Rob

A Single Man

2010-03-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

Colin Firth was robbed of the Oscar he deserved for his stunning and delicate performance in this movie I just got to see today. The movie, made from a Christopher Isherwood novel, in a stunning directorial debut by Tom Ford also stars Julianne Moore.

I am just amazingly knocked out by this movie and especially by the acting and cinematography.

Well done.

Thank You President Obama

2010-03-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe you were prepared for this time and you lead us with such gracious dignity.

Thank you for being our president.

Thank you for supporting health care reform, civil rights, gay rights, and knowing how to push a progressive agenda through all of it.

I wish I knew you personally.

But, I am proud to be an American for a lot of reasons.

And, you are one of them.

Thank you for being our president. Thank you for helping America stay strong, forward, and beautiful.

Rob

Any Legal Authority willing to challenge the Washington State Attorney General?

2010-03-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today Washington State's Attorney General, a moderate Republican that even shows up to support fundraising for Life Long AIDS Alliance announced that Washington would be joining a national Federal lawsuit against Health Care Reform

You do not want to know what came out of my mouth when I heard this news on NPR.

This pathetic political man wants thousands of the sick and dying to not have access to good and appropriate health care. He must be stopped and replaced immediately.

I have emailed every Washington authority and the Life Long AIDS Alliance as well.

I am not an attorney and I hold no elected office.

But, is there anyone out there willing to run against this man? To fund someone who will? To fund and start a recall campaign.

This elected official who is supposed to represent the people of Washington, who swore to serve the Constitution of the US and Washington State, but also to serve the underserved, uninsured and under insured has turned traitor.

He should become immediately our number one enemy and persona non grata among any progressive and any conservative or liberal medical group. He has chosen sides and he needs to pay for this choice. Who is willing to join me in standing up to this hateful action? I would love to know what his beautiful children think of him now that he has turned into an enemy of unrightiousness and evil. I would love anyone who can get this message to his family. His kids are pretty cool. This is not their fight. But, they need to know like every other Washington State Citizen that their dad is working to deny the sickest among us access to health care.

Health Care Reform

2010-03-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight the U.S. House of Representatives have passed the beginning of a sweeping Health Care Reform. We sill have so far to go.

But as a physician who fights daily to get my patients medications, appropriate testing, and the health care they need, I am very proud of America today.

I DESPISE anyone who voted against this bill which is just the beginning of overwhelming reform that is needed.

Our "Republican" representative on the Eastside of Seattle Rep Richart voted politics over policy and change and improving the lives of his constituents. He should be put into retirement ASAP. Is anyone listening? He should not have his seat for life. He should resign immediately since he chose politics over integrity.

But as a physician who believes that all should have access to Healthcare and to the same rules and the same regulations so that we stop fighting to get appropriate health care to all of our patients, I am very proud of America, And, I am proud of the beginning of this change pushed for by President Barack Obama, and the Democrats. SHAME to all the Republicans. What a despicable choice to vote against health care but to vote to beat Obama. SHAME on all of you who voted against this bill and who did not work harder to reign in the insurance companies and to make fair health care for all Americans.

But, let's leave the shame for them to carry forever.

We are moving, as we voted for one year and so ago, to change and a more fair health care system to all of us.

Goodbye Congressman Murtha

2010-02-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Sir:

Not all times did I agree with you, but I learned to respect you. I respected your bravery for taking on the military industrial complex after your own service in the Veitnam War. I learned to trust your insight and input.

I mourne your passing and tonight I feel a need to say goodbye to you. You have spent much of my recent life as a hero and a spokesman when I could not speak with the same authority that you did.

I wish you well on your way.

Good Night sweet prince and God Bless and forgive you along the way.

To Sarah Palin

2010-02-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

Your claim to fame is your willingness to be the shreaker, the one at the party who yells the loudest. You get lots of attention. But, I still have to see once where you have spoken truth and valuable recommendations. Especially following the race-baiting of former 'Congressman' Tancredo spent his speech race baiting and not even demanding an apology and explanation of such hatred to keep black and hispanic voters from voting.......I gave you the time to listen closely to your message. Ms. Palin. You are an embarrassment to America and to the future and the past.

I listened to your speech to the racist and ignorant at the Tea Party convention tonight.

You not once displayed any information that you understand history, foreign policy, fighting and winning political debates. That you were willing to speak for something other than bland absurdities or ambiguities.

You are a clown. Period.

Sure, there are problems in the world on every level from income to health coverage to our future.

But, sadly you are the most pathetic spokesperson (and that even compares to George H.W. Bush)) to come along in along time. Yes, you are like an actress...get on stage, read your lines and then collect a big paycheck at the end. You did not save one job tonight. You did not offer any hope for anyone facing disease or how to cure it. you did not answer the anger that your friends caused the greed and take down of our financial way of life.

Sarah Palin you are pathetic.

And, until my dying moments I will fight against everything you stand for and for the real people of America; those I meet every day in my clinic; against every pharmacy and insurance company wanting more and more money to treat those who are sick; those who choose an alternative lifestyle than yours who still love this country and the hope it offers.

What is must feel like to be the clown. One day I hope that is all you feel

And if any of my patients who disagree with me-- I feel you should find yourself another physician. Anyone who sees anything else in this woman should move on.

Haiti, Katrina, and all of the world's traumas

2010-01-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

HI:

As you can imagine I wish I could be a Mercy Corps Doctor and travel the world to save the dying in far off places.

But, at this point I have thousands of patients to keep alive here in Seattle. But, God willing as we build a permanent clinic in Seattle, where whether I am there or not my patients will find a safe place to get health care. If anyone knows how to fund me to India or Africa to teach HIV and medical care to other care givers I would welcome the opportunity. If anyone knows how to get certified or an in with Mercy Corps or the Gates Foundation or any group assisting those who cannot afford their own travel to these tragedies, I welcome it.

Haiti: I would be on a plane tomorrow. I would go if I could. I give money to organizations funding what I could give as an HIV and medical expert, but don't know how to move to the next step...going myself...and two sons to get through school. Such dilemmas.

I welcome all of my friends to donate what they can. I invite all of my family and friends and patients to donate what they can to those less fortunate than themselves.

We are all one. Even those with a roof on our head and water at our reach and no war at our feet.

Rob

Killing Nazi's

2010-01-17T11:24:00.000-08:00

So....
This is inspired by the brilliant film" Inglorius Bastards" that I hope will win the Golden Globe tonight....

But, as you know, I try to live in the now and not the past. I am also enlightened by my trip to Berlin this summer.....where the public would rather just forget their hatred, killing and betrayal of those who are different than them. In Berlin, the headquarters of the Nazis is full of people who love their new city, their new freedoms, but unwilling and seem unable to explain their prejudice;

Can you tell I am still deeply affected by the Germans and majority that let such despicable pain blossom among their neigbors. German better begin taking up the call to heal in the world and answer for their sins as a nation and individually.

Thus.

Who is a Nazi?

Here are a few of my favorite definitions:

Those that justify hatred, fratricide and prejudice against any people different than their own.
Those who , in my world, would deny equal access to all laws for gay, lesbian, and transgendered people.
Those who make money off of arms trading, secret trading that leads to the death and destruction of the most vulnerable among u, including those who sell and manufacture illicit and legal drugs of abuse and addiction. Those who do not read and study the topics of the day, every day, to keep up with where their leaders are leading them.

I invite each of you to Vietnam and to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh city); I invite each of you to Gettysburg in Pennsylvania. I invite each of you to walk for hours at the Arlington national cemetery. I invite you to read and think and travel where you have not read or traveled before.

So, my friends and my patients. If you support any group that supports the above please either rethink your position, send me your apologies and your proof that you have changed, or do not contact me again. I invite you to kill your own prejudices and to learn more about those different than you. I invite you to challenge your own history and belief system in light of day and the pain that men and women cause each other every day in this world.

Rob

David Adams, part one, the missing friend of mine at age 8

2009-12-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

Only questions remain after ’68 disappearance
December 15, 2009
By Warren Kagarise

When 8-year-old David Adams disappeared in May 1968, the still-unsolved case generated unprecedented news coverage and attracted hundreds of searchers to Tiger Mountain. Photo illustration by Greg Farrar
Innocence Lost, a three-part series about the 1968 disappearance of David Adams.
Part 1: Missing
The walk home was short, but David Adams never completed the trip.
David left a friend’s house on a late spring day in 1968, and set off down a shortcut worn by neighborhood children. Somewhere along the path — whether by accident, misstep or chance encounter — the 8-year-old boy disappeared from Tiger Mountain.
Searchers volunteered by the hundreds and combed through dense forest for days. Tiny Issaquah, with 4,000 or so people then, was the nexus in the unprecedented search effort.
With the techniques and technology available to investigators and searchers in May 1968, the search for David unfolded as a rescue mission.
Searchers offered theories.

In the decades since the disappearance, the unsolved mystery baffled investigators and stalled when evidence eluded detectives. The case gathered dust for years at the King County Sheriff’s Office, with investigators stymied by scarce evidence and witnesses whose memories were blurred by time and pain.
Detectives revived the investigation in April with a federal grant meant to solve decades-old cold cases. Days after authorities announced the new Cold Case Unit, a detective interviewed a Lewis County man about the disappearance. But the case has produced no arrests..... The rest of this and the following parts of the story can be found at http://www.theissaquahpress.com

Comment at www.issaquahpress.com.

Part's two and three are just as powerful, but the Issaquah press has for copyright reasons asked that I not publish them on my blog.

Ten Years and counting....even thirty five if one wants to get technical

2009-12-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

I have now been out of the closet for seventeen years.....and still feel as passionate as I did when I wrote my coming out story about honesty and seeking love and living life and one's mission as fully as possible. That the goal is to live and love; to 'travel' and explore. To pause when one needs to pause, but to keep going when one can. Thirst is real. There is no reason to live a parched life.

I have had a tough three months. Thus the silence...and I wondered if I should just shut this blog down and live the rest of my life quietly and do my work first and foremost....and let the rest just come. I have stopped traveling as frequently as I have done in the past few years and I am growing more and more tired and bored with traveling alone. I love being home and in my own bed after a fourteen hour day more right now than I do getting on a plane and going somewhere else.

But, I got this email (it is edited to protect the identity of the sender) this morning and felt like I should share it.

The background....ten years ago my ex-partner and I were filmed for four hours by a Toronto Television show about sex and sexuality. The team had flown all the way from Eastern Canada and chosen to highlight our coming out of Mormonism and being gay fathers of four children. It was Christmas time. I have never seen the finished product, but from time to time hear that it has played across Canada again and again, in Europe several times and in Japan...and maybe even other places. I learned this morning it was on American national Television cable channel last night on the "Here TV" network.

Here is what I read this morning in an edited version:

This is from a friend and someone still coming out of the closet and out of Mormonism:

>>Dear Rob,

It's 11:30 PM Tuesday night. I just finished watching an episode of "Sexplorations" on "here!". It was the episode where you and [Scott] were interviewed about being gay ex-mormons, and Dan Savage made his little speech.

I was so proud to see the man who has been my mentor, during the coming out phase of my life, standing tall and proud about being gay, and being put through the terrible ordeal of marriage to a woman as "reparative" therapy. I thought, "Wow, my friend, the man who tells me about his love life and cries on my shoulder as I cry on his, and hugs me when I need to be comforted, is both a TV personality, and a man who is honorable and honest about who he is. I saw you with your son, and heard you say that you were a better father, since you've come out, and I see that to be true (at least that you are a good father), as you've told me about your experiences with your grown sons.

OMG, how was I so lucky to find you among all of the doctors in town? If I do believe in God, I believe that it was no coincidence that I was led to you. I'm so lucky to have you as my mentor.<<

Also last night I spent an hour with my memories and a reporter from Issaquah, who works for the Issaquah Press. When I was in the third grade I was the desk mate of another young Mormon boy, my friend, David Adams. He went missing one night and was never found. I had recently been thinking of him and googled his name and found two things: one that the Issaquah Police had reopened his 'cold' case and that there is an amateur sleuth blog online that talks about such cases. I posted several times on that blog about the loss of David at age 11/12 and my memories of the experience. A reporter read my blog entries and is now writing a story about this case that happened in my third grade year....how a young boy was absconded and never found.....about the memories of a grown man and the loss of a friend from an adult's perspective and as a father. And, I appreciate and cannot wait to read that this reporter has also interviewed David's family and will include their struggle and memories as part of this story.

It is so amazing to be alive today. To see that even the tiniest seed can spread and grow and one never knows what lies around the corner and how being open and speaking up today, living fully, can still have an impact personally and for others as well. The last few days and months have also how once again reminded me how short life really is and how important being open, honest, generous, and trying to forgive and be forgiven for our shortfalls really is part of truly being fully alive. It reminds me to dance when I need to dance; to cry when I need to cry; and to hope for better days when one is feeling as bad and lonely as it can get.

I am just amazed today of the ongoing unfolding of life; how telling one's stories and listening to others can lead to healing and service to others and to oneself.

I am just amazed that I am still here to witness it all. I wish you all the best of holidays and that may the next year be truly better than this last one has been for so many of us. For the Adams' family who still mourn the loss of their son may you find solace that some of us have never forgotten; for my sons may you someday come to understand that I stayed true to my mission in life and accepted the calling I was given--different than what i thought it would be when I was your age, but still the mission I was put here to accomplish.

I have spoken twice recently to my mother about these memories and how time has passed and what we miss and remember and how grateful we still both are to be alive to witness and grow and learn and live.

And, finally, I will post a small and inadequate tribute to one of the men who had some of the greatest impact on my life, my friend, my counselor, coach, and friend, Sean O'Reilly who died this year suddenly from a burst aneurysm in his brain. I miss you. I want you back. I need you. Yet, I hope your journey finds you sewing seeds of love, understanding and forgiveness throughout the heavens. I know The universe must have needed you now, but we do here as well. Thank you for your love and example and being my solace at some of the lowest times of my life. God, I wish you were still here among us.

Good Night. God Bless. Sleep well, and then dance when you need to dance and tell your story over and over until it ends.

Gay In America

2009-10-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

Just so you all understand, this is still MY president and why I believe so fully in equality and in America:

Prescriptions and Refills

2009-09-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

The most complaints we hear, the more free hours we spend on paperwork during this healthcare crisis, the one issue that seems to bring up so much conflict and time is the issue of prescription refills
So, here are the rules.

When you pick up a drug that needs you to have a blood test before we refill the test, get that scheduled ASAP when you receive your last refill

If you have any questions you have all of our email addresses. Ask us before you run out of the medication if you need a blood test. Examples would be blood pressure, diabetes, HIV medications, and Cholesterol issues. communicate with us.....

If you have a non-life-threatening refill do not expect on a Friday. It would be less rude to ask for these refills from your pharmacy way before the last day of a week.

And, remember all Refill requests should be called to your pharmacy first.

Cholesterol Medications, HIV medications, Diabetes, blood pressure medications and anything toxic to the liver cannot just be continually refilled without a medical visit.

Rob Killian, MD

What is is like being a primary care physician serving an underserved community?

2009-09-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

This blog entry is in response to the overwhelming and increasing feeling that the health care crisis is the physicians' fault and that we should be perfect every minute. I guess I must admit that it is exhausting fighting for excellent health care for my patients.

Quite frankly given the last month, like many of us in this role, I am also have been debating giving up email access altogether.It appears to be causing as many problems as it solves and when someone get's mad, boy their anger rises rapidly via email.

The old way, or the way others' do it, is to have the patient come in twice for each visit...to discusss and diagnosis and then to go over results from the lab and the xrays, etc. ....

It is also that of the hundreds of medical insurance claims none of us get an email or fax or letter when benefits change. And, even though at all times it is the patients' responsibility to know what their benefits are, most expect us to know this about their insurance benefits at all times.

Every singe day I feel like i am standing in front of a fire hose going full blast and have to treat the patients in the office with the best health care-- no matter the cost But also have faxes, phones calls, lab results to explain, consulations with other specialists and then the 50-100 emails I am getting per day.

And it all has to be done right now or somehow I don't care.

One of my favorite patients got diagnosed on a Monday recently with a very common disease. With all of the testing we did he still demanded more information and immediate access. It was a Monday morning and I had about 50 charts on my desk, several phone messages, patients waiting to be seen and about 25 emails at that time. He had already emailed me more then three times before 10 AM. And then I phone him immediately. When I could not do so he decided he needed a second opinion and it all fell apart after that. And this was a minor diagnosis, that I knew the cause, the treatment for and had already ruled out other rarer options.

Needless to say, when he asked for and then made an appointment for a second opinion it was a gut punch that still hurts. I wish him well, but, thank God, he is not dying and his new doctor hopefully will not take advantage of his fear or his anxiety.

I admit the work I do is full of surprises and stresses and sometimes un-answered questions. But, if you cannot understand that, then you need to seek out other medical care. Do not add to the intensity of the fire hose. I never leave my office without the urgent issues solved or the urgent questions answered. But, sometimes there is a que for these answers.

Michelle and Shorts.... the weather is over 100 degrees

2009-08-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

What is the fuss? This is one of the many reasons we voted for the Obama's in the rirst pace. Let her alone. Let her be comfortble on vacation....
Imagine yourself of TV 24 hours a day and be humble.

Way to Go Michelle. Still voting for you and your family.

Stockholm

2009-08-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

THe most beautiful city in the world has changed for me. I love Stockolm. And, if anyone wants to invite me a long to just hang out in this land of Swedes. I am up for it. Taylor and I have still to talk. But talk about a beatiful, European sunny city on the water makes me wnat to leave the dreams of New York Behind and just go live out my days in Stockholm.

It was gay pride the whole week prior to our arrival and we arrived as "the OUT Games" were completing. Let's just say that the partipants were drunker than the locals observing the spetacle. But, al of the city's flags were Rainbow for the week. The Largest shopping mall changes ii's name for one week to "Pride House" and talk but a save and sunny and beautiful

Russia and Estonia and why I travel

2009-07-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

I am having laptop problems, but wanted to let my family and friends know I am fine...just spent the last twelve hours in St. Petersburg, and yesterday in Tallin, Estonia. I have lots of photos and so much to say, but at 75 cents/minute on these cruise ships I do not want to waste too much money.

But, Everyone at least once needs to see both Russia and St. Petersburg and then to also see a formerly occupied "Soviet Bloc" country..... Tim, Taylor, and I were lucky enough to see The Czech Republic and I have now been to Croatia and Estonia....

But, I have so many thoughts about my personal history and how it has been shaped and how much internationational politics and history rule our lives and what we think and what we know and what we don't know.

But, St. Petersburg is by far the most beautiful city in the Northern Baltics/Eastern Block. One more day here tomorrow...out in the countryside and then on to Finland.

Berlin: The New Germany.... Where is the real Germany?

2009-07-24T02:27:00.001-07:00

Photos will be coming. I just have not had time to edit them. But, I have to write. I am full of such horror and joy and emotion after my day in Berlin, standing at the Reichstag, the Kristalnacht memorial, the only synagogue in Berlin and numerous other buildings representing today and yesterday's Germany. I saw the built in shelves that would host the lost 25,000 books and manuscripts; My heart is full.

But, to stand at the site of the SS headquarters, the land upon which genocide was planned and acted upon. The numerous sites of horror and beauty that this city has is quite stunning. and, mind you....the original buildings are all destroyed and there is an outdoor memorial of photos as they redesign the new 'monument'. Remember this is 55 plus years ago and all there is flattened sand and gravel to walk upon.

Their holocaust memorial is offensive. The stench and names of the dead were no where to be found. The Gypsies, and Christians, and men who dared kill another man, and all of those Jewish communities and families are no where to be found. There is no explanation, story, apoolgy, etc. 2711 cement blocks, No Stench. No Explanation. No not even ASH, but cement that look like coffins in a variety of sizes and levels...no words, no apology, no explanation. Just the fact that the world is making them remember the nameless dead and destroyed that the country still cannot understand. The slaughtered millions...each with a story to tell. They burned their books; they stole their silver and china and art. They spat upon "The Jew'... not realizing in some ways we are all Jews.

I have stopped writing for a time after Berlin. I have much to say. Stockholm was my favorite surprise. Helsinki had the best tour of the day. But, I cannot get past Germany. Maybe some great artist can explain all of the death and now. I will try to put into better words. But, the stench of such hatred is missing. And, I miss it.

And across the street, almost unnoticed is another metal block with a window that shows a short film of men kissing each other. This is their 'apology' for the 50,000 men who were arrested under proclamation 175 that made it a crime of death for a man to kiss another man.

Germany has lived in denial for too long. May light and words and more art begin to enlighten hearts and divisions. May we all be able to acknowledge our sins and beg The Universe for forgiveness!

I loved the day, the horror, but the honor of bringing myself to this place of history and to bring my own honor to those who suffered and fought and the terror that still today fills so many homes across the world. But, this city and the country of Germany has still not fully accepted or explained themselves. Nor have they apologized appropriately for the terror and slaughter and horror they brought to this world

I hope some day to write similar things about the Taliban, those running the, the leaders in Pakistan who cow to the threat of violence done in the name of religion. I vow someday to call Robert Mugabe to account for the horrors he is currently reigning down upon the people of Zimbabwe. I hope our own country, despite electing Barack Obama, can come to grips with the hatred that reigns from pulpits to police halls, the racism, the homophobism, the misunderstanding of each of us humans as brothers first and then to understand there will always be divisions. We may never get past war and hatred and genocide. But, can we hope? Our young tour guide, yesterday from Roostock, Germany, told me that the young are tired of war and fighting. But, the suicide bombers, the soldiers in every religion and in every army seem to be the young.

Can we create a world where all, the young included, want justice and peace and understanding? No one religion over another? No dis-respecting one's religious faith over another?.....and surely not killing over it,

But, in Berlin, a new capitol city once again, cleaned up from it's past, one can tell that this country still a journey to go. "The Reader" in book and film was a good start in the past few years. 'Schindler's List" knocked us into some sense in understanding the depth of loss and also that even some can be heroes during times of terrible trouble. "A Beautiful Life" and "Bent" have taught us that even those imprisoned can find life and meaning among their suffering.

If you to to a group or church that does not preach "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR:" get up and walk out. Not one of those Christian, Jew, or Muslims groups that teach and preach division and hatred deserve your time or effort. If your religion teaches that they hold all of the answers and truth..run as fast as you can away from them. God has many plans and is loving, forgiving and kind We are all the chosen people. PERIOD.

We have a world to heal. Only today works. But, we need to know where injustice is happening now.

In Berlin, they had a night where they, along with 70 other German cities had a night where books were burned. They still burn books in America and other places in the world today. We are all Berliners--as John Kennedy reminded us in his memorable speech after they built a wall around East Berlin to keep their own people in....that all men who love Freedom and hope for a day where no walls are built to keep people from the truth and from learning and experience, the we are all Berliners.

They burned witches and still do in places. These are often Lesbians. Families destroy their gay children today in almost every society, Muslims hate the Jews. And I use such a short sentence to say that..because even the educated and gay Muslims I know are first and foremost anti-semitic. Maybe it goes both ways. I would not be surprised

Now that I have been there. Ich Bin Ein Berliner as well.

Copenhagen

2009-07-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

I did not take my camera today....just wanted to wander the city and not be a tourist. Boy, Sweden and Copenhagen are expensive at the moment...thank God, we live in the U.S. right now unless we have to buy European goods.

But, tonight was about food, which is rare in Denmark, since there is not that much good food in either Sweden or Denmark. But, the city is beautiful, clean, and has neighborhoods that remind me of Seattle...from one block to another one can change completely their atmosphere and temperment.....

Leave on the boat tomorrow..... had dinner with two friends from old times who now live on the East Coast tonight...it was the best meal yet. Think of "The Herb Farm" meets "Poppy" on Capitol Hill or "Rain City Grill in Vancouver....everything is local and in season and was wonderful.

Thank you to my patients for giving me this break and for getting to see parts of the world I have never seen: Scandenavia. And. yes, Taylor, I went to a Swedish food market and bought pounds of different candies for you. But, Dave.....still no boxes of chocolate with liquor...maybe when I get to Stockholm.

Malmo, Sweden

2009-07-20T05:52:00.001-07:00

My youngest son, spent some of his mission in Malmo, Sweden, the gateway to Sweden...and I got to visit for a few hours today. Just a ticket on the train from Copenhagen and there I was. It is a beautiful, small, and tidy place full of tourist traps..but the countryside is beautiful and with all the water that surrounds Scandanavia...who can complain?

Thank you Taylor for reminding me that it was easy to get from Denmark to Sweden. And. Thank you for being my son.

Doctor and pain medications, sleeping pills, addictive drugs

2009-07-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

Just to remind my readers. There are laws governing the prescribing of narcotic and/or addictive drugs. When I say no to such a requests I can give you all of the reasons, but have rarely been asked.

If I feel you are lying or using more than one supplier for a drug habit then I will end our relationship.

If you are willling to recognize a problem then I will work my heart out to get you into help.

But the refill of drugs that I say no to always has at it's core an ethical and /or legal reason.

I just assumed that everyone in the world knew this.

Hiker lost in OUTBACK in Australia found

2009-07-15T20:15:00.001-07:00

Hi:

I only heard part of this story tonight on NPR.....but google it. It will warm your heart. Two weeks lost and found alive and the dad had already done a memorial service, but still was so grateful to have a living son at the end. It is heart warming.

there are good stories every day.

Let's focus on that.

Communication with and from your doctor

2009-07-10T16:13:00.001-07:00

Email....while convenient and modern and easy, can often lead to conflict between a patient and a physician. See below for the numerous email rules printed here...

I have had two examples this week, which ended sadly for both patients...both angry, hurt, calling me names and thus threatening to damage this work and my career.

Email is a short, uncomplicated way to pass along information. If the questions get complex, the issues become more than miniscule...it is always better to make an appointment. Email can be read in so many different ways.

Also, if you have a life threatening illness and are not seeing and communicating with the doctor more than once a year, something is wrong or you are not following good medical advice. If you have not kept a diary of your blood sugars or your blood pressures, or your emotional state and communicated it with you doctor in several months something is wrong......

Do not be afraid to bring up your worries with your doctor. Plan for your visits. Write down your questions.

Communicate these concerns.

If you misunderstand or feel angered by an answer, it may not be that was what was meant. Think about it. Yes, there are assholes in medicine, but most want to do what is best and right in our fucked up health care system. Most of my colleagues would go to bat for you in a second if you let them.

But, build a relationship with your provider. Understand that your provider did not create our hellish medical system. And, your provider did not give you any of the illnesses you have. Own your story. Be powerful in the relationship with your provider, but also recognize their humanness.

And, see the emails rules posted several times below.

Jennifer Hudson soars at Michael Jackson Memorial...

2009-07-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

Hooray for Michael's Mother for asking Jennifer to sing this song.....One knows a star that one can't explain when they see one:

She is one of the greatest. Period. and it seems that only a few of us know this...... And she is just a girl who can sing......even when she wore her friend's orange jumpsuit on American Idol....Wow....to watch her perform with such confidence. Very few people know this, but I saw Jennifer in LA with the man that turned out to kill her mother, sister and nephew...

The stories of life....and loss and love and hope. Good for you Jennifer for coming back and just standing up and doing your thing. You are one of my personal heroes and favorites. I call down the blessings of heaven upon you and your new child soon to be born.

and, Michael...I wish we could have met and I could have warned you about all of the hucksters and snake oil salesmen around you at the time...

Vietnam, China Beach and why I have been so silent

2009-06-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have thought about breaking my silence a million times. But, I went to Vietnam and other places in Asia in April and I still find that words do not describe this experience...about visiting a war zone, a people I grew up with as 'enemies' and then visiting them in my adulthood and finding a beautiful paradise where they profess forgiveness....

So here are two images from China Beach.....the real China Beach in Vietnam...in Da Nang....the China Beach I was quoted about nationally in the eighties trying to save an incredible television show with Dana Delany and Marg Helgenberger.... Included in this trip was a stop in Ho Chi Ming City....or as we American's know it as 'Saigon'...where I saw the places that were on our televisions in the Johnson, Nixon, and Ford eras.... Where our 'friends' were helicoptered out of and some left behind...

War has been on my mind for awhile now....both what our personal response to it is, our culpability and what our 'leaders' and 'friends' do in the name of freedom and 'democracy' do on our behalf....millions of Vietnamese were slaughtered in my life time over these issues....and today war rages in most parts of the world over religious intolerance, political differences, and hatred.

And, I am stunned.

I tried to save China Beach, the television show...even got to meet the stars of that show as proud supporter of "viewers for quality television or "VQT".... I watched the news of the sixties and the seventies...

and, now I am old or aging and I see war still raging among people and humans and families....and I am stunned.

Stunned into silence. I am unsure of who my enemies are. And, who my fiends are.

I need to go back...I would rather be with the 'vanquished' at this point.....and maybe I am. I am proud to be an American and yet, I am also ashamed of what our country has done in reality to people and nations and peoples....

I love freedom. I hope for mercy.

But, most of all I hope for an end of hatred and killing and division and for death and murder to be disguised by religious zealotry and politics.

We should each be aware enough that we own what our roles are in bringing understanding and peace to the world we live in.

I am not sure what else to say.

Except....travel. See the world; get to see the many sides of the story and meet your enemies....we may have more in common than what we wish to acknowledge.

Rob

I am proud to be an American represented by Barack Hussein Obama

2009-06-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have just finished reading the speech President Obama gave in Cairo, Egypt today. I have so much to say, but I will add to this later, but most of all I am so proud of him and to have supported his presidency and I am so hopeful for a more peaceful world.
The first and foremost feeling I have is that we now have a Peacemaker as our leader.....and the 'so-called' "Christian" that led us the last eight years we now know what a true peacemaker looks and sounds like....and he is not from Texas and not George Bush or his puppeteer, 'Dick' Cheney....it is a man of experience and hope and love and who wants to change the world.

I will add to this later...but today's speech in Cairo combines with my trip to Vietnam, war as a 'peacemaking' attempt, and the Tiananmen anniversary are all tied together...

Work for healing. We can all live together and we can learn to listen and understand one another!!!!!

Rob

Tiananmen Square

2009-06-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

This anniversary is very meaningful for me both because I got to protest at the Chinese Embassy twenty years ago in Washington, DC and because I have subsequently honored these protestors myself at Tiananmen Square in Beijing. The Stranger, this week has some great writing and photos so that we never forget

To see the photos that go with this story you can follow this link...I could not get the link to be automatic:

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/06/04/the-tiananmen-massacre-twenty-years-later

Frontline also has some great coverage of this story and this anniversary here:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/tankman/

I just spent an hour watching this PBS story...and am so moved... it is the enduring image of people standing up to government, military, violence.... I would recommend to anyone who can to spend the time with the front line series....to remember and learn the fullness of what we can about how a pro-freedom movement flourished and then was silenced by both a Chinese government and by those today in the West's technology companies who continue to work with this Communist regime to keep control of it's citizens.

But, this event, twenty years ago, as I struggled to understand my mission in life; to want to survive the coming out process and the mission in medicine I was called to, changed me is still evident today. I break my months long silence on this blog to remember freedom and hope and to be proud to have witnessed this time in history.

But, here is the story in The Stranger today:

The Stranger
The Tiananmen Massacre, Twenty Years Later
posted by JONATHAN GOLOB on THU, JUN 4, 2009 at 11:18 AM

Twenty years ago today, on June 4th 1989, the People's Liberation Army violently ended a student-led pro-democracy protest in Beijing's Tiananmen Square. The protest grew out of the funeral celebrations of Hu Yaobang—an anti-corruption and reformist party member—with crowds collecting around April 15th, 1989.

A few excellent sources exist on the events, and background that lead up to this peaceful protest and it's eventually violent end at the hands of the PLA. The Wikipedia article on the Tiananmen Square massacre, and particularly its references, are a decent place to start.

Even to this day, all the details and even the number who were killed or imprisoned is unknown. When I was a student at Johns Hopkins, I stumbled upon a collection of first-hand accounts and images from the clearing of the streets of Beijing, that I transcribed and scanned: (Some of these images are quite graphic.)

They stood there hand in hand, unarmed - the student pickets... The tanks moved forward, then paused and solders immediately dashed out, and apparently with their guns aimed at us. Many of the students swore not to give way and shouted slogans like 'Down with fascists!' 'Down with autocrats!' At this instant, the machine guns on top of the tanks were tilted down and started strafing the crowd.
All the people in the first row were instantly killed. Then followed the assault troops who raked the crowd with their assault rifles. The tanks then savagely rolled over the first row of the crowd, leaving a paste of human flesh behind its trail....

The armored vehicle approached quickly from the west. As the people were very closely packed, the vehicle simply rammed into the crowd. Immediately, I saw 8 people crushed under its wheels - their bodies were no longer identifiable... The armored vehicle moved to and fro, intending to clear the way for the troops to pass. As it had killed so many people, and as the crowd was determined to protect the unarmed students, the people used concrete stands to set up new barricades. The vehicle broke through the first line of stands, but not the second. Then the people used some iron bars to stop its wheels. Somebody lit a bottle filled with petrol, dropped it into the vehicle through its door and covered it up with huge blankets. After about 10 minutes, a soldier emerged, waving white underwear which he used as a white flag. There were four of them altogether, two of whom were old soldiers with white hair, their rank being at least above that of a lieutenant colonel. Everybody was very furious when they came out and was prepared to tear them into pieces. The soldiers said, 'We understand. We do not want to do this. But we have no choice. Please forgive us.' The people asked, 'Who will forgive you? You are murderers, you have killed so many people, you are so brutal, you must pay for it!' However, the students dissuaded the crowd from killing the soldiers, saying, 'Protect them, for if you hurt them they will have the excuse for further suppression.' ——

Hong Kong and a gay cruise

2009-03-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

Hi;

Just to pass along that Hong Kong was everything it has ever been....busy, full of shops, full of art (anyone want to donate some money so I can buy more art?) the boat is small and I am not into the gay pretty boys around the pool.....so am doing other things and looking for my first off the boat all day tour tomorrow at Da Nang City in Vietnam....I am sure I will have something more to report

Thoughts in the middle of travel

2009-03-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why today I had to tell my family I love them....I am on my way to Hong Kong for a trip that will take me to places I still have never been: Vietnam, parts of Thailand, and Singapore....and as I wrote one of my brothers today.....I feel so blessed to travel and see the world and to let life teach me that I just want that to be my legacy..that rather than growing more cyncical by the day I traveled and learned and heard others' stories and cried with them and felt more compassion for the other as I grew older. I also know I have not been the perfect father or friend at times along the way, and for this I apologize.

If I make it back to my busy life I will update this blog, but if I don't that is what I want my legacy to be...that I lived fully and loved the good and hated the bad and tried to scream at all of the injustice I see in the world and in my personal life; I loved my sons imperfectly, but I loved them none the less. They are incredible. I love my family, especially those who struggled and loved me back despite my imperfections.....and theirs.

I am currently in Vancouver waiting for a flight to Hong Kong.......but this is what I feel as I sit endlessly in an airport and also every day of my life. I am grateful first and angry and sad second. The world is not perfect. I am trying to help improve it and I would ask that those that love me or care about me do the same.

Rob

Taylor's Homecoming address

2009-03-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

Hello from Provo, Utah....

Taylor and Miles and (even though it is not the best photo of me) you can see that I am now clean shaven again.

Taylor left on his mission quoting scripture about how he was going to "thrash"a people and change a country and returned a humble, yet proud, young man who talked of love.

I am going to write more, but wanted to share this photo for now and tell both of my kids how great they are and how proud of a dad I am.

Anyone who has paid attention to this post will know that I have my issues with the politics and religious bigotry of the Mormons but I was once again reminded this weekend that my people, as a group, are good people at heart....I just wish that they could be more Christ like and work harder on solving injustice and poverty in the world than in counting numbers and working only to baptize....THe mission of Christ was not just to build a church and support a bureaucracy, but to reach out an heal those who needed healing and to love and teach each of us to love one another.

But, Thank you to the universe for bringing both of my sons through the fire of a mission experience in lands much different than they both knew and for their loving hearts and souls.

(And, yes, I know my tie is too long....I need someone to go with me to help me pack, dress and organize my life, but so far, this is how it turns out for me...)....)

A missionary sons comes home from Sweden

2009-03-14T08:32:00.001-07:00

Miles and Taylor are finally reunited.... it has been a long time...and that is Jolene just to the right of Taylor....

Boy it is sweet to have Taylor back in the U.S....

and, it was sweet to be the first one to greet him...and surprise him. His Mother and brother and other family members and friends missed the arrival by about 20 minutes.... So Proud Dad today.

Emailing the Doctor

2009-03-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to have to put these new rules into place. But, the work and the demand and the assumption that one gets to repeatedly and 'urgently' interrupt my day with email prompts these new rules.

1. Email is a free service for direct and non-urgent communication or clarification with the doctor.

2. There will be no treatment offered by email. If you are ill you must call the office and make an appointment to be seen.

2.5: ALL pharmacy refill requests are to be directed first to the pharmacist. If you have changed pharmacies, your new pharmacist will help you transfer these scripts.

3. If you feel you want to give me a heads up about what our visit is going to entail, then email is a good way to get it all down on paper, but please explain you do not need a return email so we can then go over it when you arrive.

4. Do not ask me where you should go when you have a life threatening emergency. You should go to the nearest ER or Urgent care center and you should know where that is in proximity to where you live. You should also not think twice about calling 911. Minutes count in Strokes, Heart Attacks, Appendicitis and numerous other instances.

5. If you email me, I will assume the issue is not urgent and will respond when I can. If you phone my staff wanting to know when I will email you back you will lose your email privileges and the staff have been instructed to make you an appointment. Your email will then be printed for our visit but not responded to electronically.

6. If your email is more than two paragraphs long then you should make an appointment. I am already spending two to three hours a day responding to emails. Complicated issues must be dealt with in person.

7. If you have a billing question please contact the office billing staff

8. Please read the numerous policies and FAQs on our website: htttp://www.capitolhillmedical.com many of your insurance questions are already answered there.

9. If you are emailing me three or four times a day you are abusing this system and I may have to abandon it for my own sanity.

10. Your name must be included for liability sake with your email. if your email address does not identify you please remember to sign your email.

I am sure more will follow.

AIDS ACTION AWARENESS DAY: FEBRUARY 18

2009-02-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

Here is our HIV provider letter to the Governor and the Washington State Legislature:

February 18, 2009

The Honorable Chris Gregoire
Governor
Office of the Governor
PO Box 40002
Olympia, WA 98504-0002 The Honorable Frank Chopp
Speaker of the House
339C Legislative Building
PO Box 40600
Olympia, WA 98504-0600

The Honorable Lisa Brown
Senate Majority Leader
307 Legislative Building
PO Box 40403
Olympia, WA 98504-0403

Dear Governor Gregoire, Speaker Chopp, and Majority Leader Brown:

We know that Washington State is facing a profound financial crisis and a record deficit, and that as leaders you will be forced to make difficult choices during your deliberations over the state budget. However, we are writing to you today to implore you to retain funding for the many valuable AIDS and AID-related services in the state.

As health care professionals and HIV care providers we are committed to giving care to all who need it regardless of their ability to pay. However, our ability to provide care to those in financial need is directly tied to funding assistance we receive from the state.

As we look out at the landscape we see an ongoing crisis, with providers facing higher infection rates and growing challenges accessing quality care. On AIDS Awareness & Action Day (A3D), February 18, 2009, we will bring several hundred advocates to your offices and the state Capitol to highlight the challenges our community is facing.

On A3D we hope that you will remember that Washington State has been a leader not only in care for people with HIV/AIDS, but in addressing the challenge of covering uninsured children and adults. This state has been a national leader in making sure that the under and uninsured do not go without care or access to medications.

We not only fund the Evergreen Health Insurance Program (EHIP) well, but we fund prevention efforts and we fund the most nutritionally sound food program for the sick in the country. If we cut funding to these programs, all of the progress we have made will have been for nothing, and we face the prospect of turning people away, having some go uninsured and losing access to critical nutrition programs.

As physicians and healthcare providers we know that the uninsured receive care, but they receive it in clinics and emergency rooms when their condition is critical and requires the most costly forms of medical intervention. For every dollar we spend on prevention we save thousands if not hundreds of thousands in treatment costs down the road.

In the midst of a crisis that has tremendous human services implications is not the time to
cut prevention efforts. From our perspective as providers who see patients every day, we see the demand for services increasing rather than diminishing.

We believe that our investment in services should be equal to the healthcare challenges confronting the State of Washington. Please do not cut these essential services.

Sincerely,

Robert Killian, MD
Jeffrey Olliffe, MD
Guy Forte, Rph
Darren Augenstein, PharmD
Peter Shalit, MD
David Aboulafia, MD
David Holt, ARNP
Vy Chu, MD
Steven Carzasty, MSW
Steven Burrows, MD
Wayne Dodge, MD
Jamie Hasse, LPN
Pat Hogan, ARNP
Michael Syputa, LPN
Jason Thams, PharmD

New blog: capitol hill medical

2009-02-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

SO...I am dividing my time to our new Capitol Hill Medical blog and answering questions asked of the doctors.... and am enjoying a lot.... you can catch us at: http://blog.capitolhillmedical.com

Look at the answers and ask one of your own that we can respond to....

Rob

Washington State's Budget Crisis means disaster for AIDS Prevention and treatment

2009-02-04T14:33:00.000-08:00

Everywhere one turns these days there is crisis, financial troubles, friends and neighbors having lost their jobs or living under the threat of job loss. As an HIV doctor working daily with groups at the greatest risk of contracting or living with this chronic deadly illness these financial woes seem especially frightening.

I have seen some of the proposed budget cuts that are being tendered to AIDS services, insurance programs and prevention efforts that will turn Washington from being a proactive state working on prevention and making sure no one lives without care and access to health care to a state where there are waiting lists, loss of support and access to adequate health care will be more difficult.

This also at a time when HIV infection rates continue unabated and more and more need is forecast for health care.

From my office on First Hill looking out at the landscape of what is pending I want I feel a crisis brewing that could lead to more disease, more death, less access to health care and the loss of many of our valuable prevention efforts and support programs.

From Insurance expansion and access to medications; from efforts at peer education and preventative approaches; to feeding and housing the weakest among us, I would beg that budgets cuts for these vital programs be maintained at the very least current levels and not cut.

We are in a crisis that remains unabated. Help!!!
You can link to the Life Long AIDS Action blog and activities here:

BIN 941

2008-12-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

So...enough of the personal stuff.

I spent the evening watching over the kitchen at BIN 941 (941 Davie Street, Vancouver, BC)...

This was my second visit....and although I still haven't share my favorite restaurant in the world with this blog yet.....This would be a close second. Undiscovered by tourists and brilliant should be enough to get you in the door... But, this hole in the wall on Davie street in Vancouver is literally like watching Top Chef compete dish after dish.... The food is phenomenal and creative and never served imperfect. Period. The wine list--stay with the local wines they recommend......

But, I will go back again and again.....

And yes, in a perfect world I would be Rick Steve's partner and co-guide, but for the undiscovered and non-tourist food and travel that make up much of the world.

Milk

2008-12-06T15:12:00.001-08:00

Milk

Posted using ShareThis

So...this movie could not have come out at a more perfect time personally or professionally. It was inspiring and thought provoking and sad, in a way, that all that we have lost along the way--the struggle just for civil equality and understanding in this world--still remains lost. Here is one of the heroes of our time...an imperfect man who tried to change the world. Thank God to Gus Van Sant and Sean Penn and all those involved in this movie... it was Brilliant.

Proposition 8: The Musical

2008-12-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

My Resignation letter from the Church

2008-11-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

I had planned on waiting till my youngest son had returned from his mission before making this formal. But, he has made it clear his choices and his feelings. I can no longer wait for this to happen. I have formally and hereby, publicly, share my resignation letter from the Mormon Church:

November 24, 2008

Member Records
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints
50 E. North Temple, Room 1372
Salt Lake City, Utah 84150-5310

To Whom It May Concern:

I hereby resign my membership in the church. I do not and will not meet with my local Bishop or Stake President, but do expect an acknowledgement from the church that my name has been removed from the membership roles of the church.

This letter is to be considered effective as of the moment you receive it. I hereby waive any and all "waiting periods" or delays for reconsideration and instruct you not to try to impose any such delays. As of this moment I am no longer a member of the church, and am not to be treated as such in any way shape or form. Any attempt to treat me as a member after your receipt of this letter, including any contact other than your official written acknowledgment of my resignation will be deemed an invasion of privacy and will be met with immediate litigation to secure my rights in the free exercise of religion. No official policies or procedures of the church can be used to negate the immediate efficacy of this resignation.

I am a father of two sons...I grew up religious and Mormon...I served a mission and when I got home it all got really complicated. I fell in love with a boy from BYU--but no sex was involved--just the feelings and the desire and the hope he would love me back.

I went to my Bishop with these feelings. He blessed me for being sin free and promised me that if I married these feelings would go away and just have been a test...

I married within six months to the only girl I knew and had ever really connected with...

But, six years and two sons later the feelings had never disappeared...they had only grown stronger and they infected my life and my dreams and since God had not changed me, I felt unworthy and that I should die...

But, I could not leave me sons....

And, after therapy and time I came out and discussed this with my wife and family... They all knew. But, had been too afraid to talk to me and did not know what to say.

Now, sixteen years later. I am out and proud and working hard to pay the bills, to keep my love life real and to have a life full and rich and rewarding. I serve my community daily. I still feel like a missionary in the church, still.

Then, Prop 8 passes and I am right back in that place where I am struggling to hold on to my relationship with my Mormon sons, my family is silent and some are true to the faith and some are not. But, my boys, my kids, the people who I believe helped keep me alive during my darkest struggles to understand what being gay and alive was all about are still very committed to their belief and their church and I still question if I have a family and if my love for them has been enough.

And, then I learn that some many strangers who want to save marriage have donated money and time and lies and such to a political campaign to interfere with my work and my love and my family.

I blame you.

I have stopped attending church, but was waiting to send this letter until my youngest son had returned from his mission. I did not want my resignation to hurt them in any way; I did not want to publicly criticize the church at any time that may hurt their growth through their missions.

I also hereby call you to repent. You have ignored the pain of your gay and lesbian and transgendered children for too long. When I look at the traditional family in our world today and what is hurting it the most I see divorce, abuse, addiction, dishonesty, poverty. But, I don’t see gay and lesbian marriage anywhere in the list of what the modern family is struggling with. Yet, you are willing to pile on abuse and hatred against those already outcast. Can you imagine what you could do for good in the world if you really addressed what the family is facing in today’s world?

Jesus Christ suffered for your sins. He suffers today as these children and their families struggle to find love and forgiveness and self-respect and dignity. He would be on the side of healing and not on the side of hatred and misunderstanding and ignorance.

Shame on the church for losing sight of what the Lord’s mission in the world truly is. I walk away with my dignity intact and I call upon heaven to rain down destruction upon you until you are on your knees begging forgiveness for the pain you have caused your lesbian, gay and bisexual childre--and their families-- for so long.

Sincerely

Robert Killian, MD/MPH
Seattle, WA

Rituals, Resignation, Calling upon the Church to Repent

2008-11-23T12:48:00.001-08:00

December 1, 2008

Thomas S. Monson
President and Prophet
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
50 E. North Temple Drive
Salt Lake City, UT 84150

Dear President Monson:

As an Elder, and a father of two young sons, the youngest of whom is currently serving his mission in Stockholm, Sweden, I am writing to call you and the church to repentance. This may come as a surprise and a shock to be called to repent.

But, the church has sinned against those who are gay, lesbian or transgendered for too long. This sin against your gay and lesbian children has led to the destruction of faith; the destruction of families; to countless suicides. This has led to the loss of your mission to love your neighbor as yourself.

I am sending this on World AIDS day as well. My cousin died from AIDS in 1984 in Provo, Utah. She got AIDS from a blood transfusion during the delivery of her fifth child. She was the first person to die of AIDS in Utah. And, in honor of all of those we have lost along the way and the journey her death led me to in medicine to serving those most despised among us I send this letter on this important day.

I also with the power of my Melchizedek priesthood still intact at this point, I ceremoniously shake the dust off of my feet. I call upon the heavens to rain down the power of Heaven to bring you and your people to their knees in sincere repentance for the pain you have caused and continue to cause against the outcast and unwanted and their families dealing with this reality.

I have read the scriptures all of my life. I love my Savior. I try every day to live His example. Not once would he have entered a political fight against an unwanted minority and ignored what was the real trouble He was called to fight: ignorance, hatred, and poverty.

The traditional family is hurting. But it is not because there happen to be Lesbian and Gay’s in the world. No, the family is hurting because of divorce, abuse, addiction, poverty, gambling, etc. These are the true enemies of the family today. Yet, you have gambled the church’s growth and mission on institutionalizing discrimination against your gay and lesbian children and those like them in your community and in this world.

To sin is to deny your Lord. His mission was to call the world to repent. It was not to cause pain to the lowly and already hurting.

Shame on you, and shame on my people, the Mormons. And, I say this out of a complicated love that I feel for you and the Church.

During my years at BYU and my medical training at the University of Utah I would count the number of unexplained deaths in the Salt Lake newspapers of young men and women who died. Weekly the numbers piled higher and higher. The suicide rates of these many youth became one of the pains of my life and the ongoing silence of the church—now twenty years and counting is nearly as bad.

The reality of growing up gay in a faith that denies and ignores this pain has led me to the realization that my people do not love Christ, nor do they serve him. They serve a bureaucracy and organization. But, they have lost the work of the Lord somewhere along the way.

I am sorry for the pain that my actions today will cause my sons and my mother. But, I choose to love them even though they have repeatedly chosen their church over our relationship. I will continue to work for justice and love in the world to heal pain rather than cause it.
I beg you to get on your knees and speak your forgiveness to your lesbian, gay and transgendered children and their families.

Sincerely,

Robert Killian, MD/MPH
Seattle, WA

More Thoughts on Mormons, Marriage, and Being Gay

2008-11-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

So...just so anyone who reads this understands that my emotions about my people are still raw......

The U.S. put a constitutional Amendment against polygamist marriages into the Constitution early in this century. For nearly one hundred years the Mormons have been playing the victim; claiming prejudice and bigotry and religious intolerance...... they play the victim well. We were taught in church how painful this act was; how discriminatory it was and how unfair it was to a minority goup.

And, they hold a grudge.

Now....a small minority group has a different view of marriage and they, the Mormons, without any intellectual honesty, put millions of dollars and their full faith and trust into the same type of movement and discrimination against another minority group--into constitutions. The hypocrisy boggles my mind. I learned my passion for equal rights and non-judgement from the Mormons. I learned that we treat those different than ourselves with respect and dignity. I learned to be an activist for equality and justice from the Mormons. Yet, here they are leading the way to evil and hatred and they now claim they are being attacked for being 'mainstream' and on the side of the majority.

So..here is the thing. If you are being victimized, misunderstood, and attacked...then you should feel pain, understand pain and recognize when others are being unfairly treated in such manner. If you don't then you are a hypocrite, unfeeling and unfair and unworthy soul.

I think it was Christ that worked for the unheard; the unloved; those that were despised by the majority. How could such 'Christians' have gotten this so wrong?

It boggles my mind.

Hypocrisy is alive in the world.

Don't buy into their victimhood. The Mormons are wrong. And they are hurting others, knowing what it feels like to be hurt, another group of people like themselves: the outcast and despised.....

Seattle Protest against writing into Constitution discrimination against GLBT community

2008-11-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

This was written by one of my friends, a Gay Mormon, Steve Barden:

A bit of background: I am 53 years old, and out to myself and everyone else for a year and a half. That, in and of itself, is another entire story. I now have a boyfriend, and we have registered for domestic partnership. I am also a Mormon, though I am writing a letter to the Bishop of my ward, here in Seattle, to have my name removed from the records of the Church for several reasons. Again, another story. In the last year and a half, I have had an insatiable thirst to learn about who I am, adjust to it, work past the pain and rage, and make an effort to see that others don't have to suffer as I have.

Now, last Saturday, I marched in Seattle's protest against California's Proposition 8. Never in my life have I ever been politically active -- I never felt the need. In fact, much to my shame, when I lived in Omaha, Nebraska, I helped collect signatures in support of Nebraska's proposition in "defense of Marriage". Even then, something didn't feel right about it. Anyway, my boyfriend and I went to Volunteer Park for the march "kick-off", and were gratified to see men, women, children, gay, straight, many races, many religions, and many ethnic backgrounds, all working together to secure civil rights. I estimated somewhere in the neighborhood of 6000 people when I was there, though my powers of estimation are less than stellar. I was moved.

We went home for a short time, so that I could get a few things done, then I left to go join the procession. I met them on Broadway and began walking and chanting with them. I quickly moved to a position between the two giant flags, where I not only participated in the chanting, but ended up leading some of the chanting. I was excited to see so many people of diverse backgrounds, both gay and straight, lining the streets, cheering us and encouraging us. Only one person, an evangelical, hurled insults and called us to repentance or else condemned us to the depths of hell. If I had been half as clever as my boyfriend, I would have called back that I was on my way to the store to purchase a handbasket in which I could travel there.

I marched with the group to Westlake Mall, where the closing rally was to take place. I only saw four placards denouncing us with threats of hell fire, but again, we entered the square to applause and cheers. I was very moved, but it was nothing compared to what I saw when I turned around and looked up the hill. It was crowded with people marching, from sidewalk to sidewalk, all the way back up the hill, as far as I could see. I almost broke down and cried. You have no idea how validating it was for me to see so many people like myself, after hating myself for so long, and thinking that something was so very wrong with me (I had even been suicidal at first). This was a wonderful, nurturing experience for me, allowing me to feel the indignation, and vent the rage I've been feeling in a very constructive way.

I recognized in myself a passion that I never knew existed. I have a renewed sense of community, and I have a need to serve others. It isn't a service which comes from being "assigned" to serve, out of duty, and not out of love, as it was for me when I was active in the church, but rather, a need to serve which comes from inside me, and motivates me, and gives me joy. I even fear for those who would destroy me, and desire to protect them from the very machine which they have set in motion with Proposition 8.

It seems to me that this is no longer just an LGBT issue, but rather a general civil rights violation which has the potential of affecting every minority in the nation. I know of no other instance, in the history of the United States of America, when the established rights of a group of people have been revoked. This sets a dangerous precedent which can easily justify the abolishment of rights of religious groups, racial groups, ethnic groups, women, senior citizens, and so on, and so on. This is why this proposition is so pernicious -- it sets a VERY dangerous precedent in American law. We can no longer look at this proposition as only a gay and lesbian issue. It must be recognized as a general civil rights issue, and every minority group must be made aware of its danger. And here's the kicker -- every person in the nation belongs to one minority group or another, even if they don't know that they do.

We have to work for the civil rights of ALL Americans, not just ours. We must stand up for the rights of those who would see us eliminated, as well as our own. ALL Americans must be treated as equals, as the founding fathers intended, no one group having more rights than another. The time for full civil rights across the board has come, and we must demand them for ourselves, our families, our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, et al.

It is such a shame that the media glossed over the protest, and have not been following the progress of the lawsuits filed against Prop 8. It's a shame that no one has heard that over a million people were involved in this nationwide, even global event. It's a shame that the speeches were not published, and interviews were not done in greater depth, and that our civil leaders have not recognized that this is a serious matter.

This was a life-changing event for me, and I fully intend to be involved, from this day on, talking with my friends and acquaintances, family and friends. I want to declare that I will dedicate myself to this cause, and I hope that many others will do so, as well, for the more voices there are which cry for liberty, freedom and civil rights, the more our leaders will have to listen, or know that they will be voted out of office.

Thank you for letting me share this with you. If you are of a mind to share it with others, please do. You have my permission to publish it, and to attach my name to it.

Elder Killian and Companion singing Feliz Navidad in Spanish in Sweden.....what a world...:)

2008-11-11T16:25:00.001-08:00

Proud Dad:
">

Thank God for the Internet and tonight, YouTube

2008-11-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

This is what I would say if I were less angry and less hurt and less passionate and as smart as this man. Please share at will and watch this in it's entirety if you have ever once felt you cared about me.....and those I care about....
">

Why I cry.......

2008-11-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

So...I shed tears of pain this week and tears of joy. I have spent 16 years worrying that my sons will get it: THAT I LOVE THEM. I have spent 16 years of my life waiting for a time when we can get past religion and judgement and the self-loathing combined with the worry that my sons may hate me for being who I am. Sixteen years post 'coming out' as a gay man and as a 'gay Mormon' and 'gay father' and to have my joy this week--with the election of Barack Obama as President of these United States--tempered by the worry that once again the Mormon Church and their beliefs will somehow wreck my relationship with my boys, my sons--whom I love more than life itself--it is almost too much to take.

But, let us remember the good of this week. The Hope Of Freedom and the Goodness of Equality. The promise of America. Gone are the Bush years and gone is the despair of division and hatred and inequality. Gone is the fear that we cannot heal ourselves and the world we live in.

Here is why I shed tears of joy:

">

The World Needs Healing and it ain't the Mormons or the Christians who seem to want to do the work.....

2008-11-07T08:37:00.001-08:00

I have to admit that this post is a work in progress. I have emailed much of my thoughts to my family, many of whom are Mormon, about the devastating and evil work that Mormons and other religious people have done this week by writing into Constitutions discrimination against gay people.

Even this late in my life, I am still shocked that such hatred exists in our world.

But, first and foremost, let us celebrate the election of Barack Obama to the presidency of the United States. At this great and momentous time America has once again proven that we are capable of hope and being a beacon of light to the world; that we can in one dramatic move heal centuries of racial hatred and discrimination. I celebrate the repudiation of the Neo-Conservative hypocrisy and corruption that has plagued our land and this world for much too long. I look forward to having as our leaders people who understand the need to unite rather than divide; who understand that there is more about each of us that is similar than that is different. I welcome leadership that will avoid evil and perpetuating division and stereotypes.

But, on to Mormons.

My people, the Mormons, have sinned against their lesbian and gay children for too long. Mormons understand bigotry and hatred and misperceptions. They feel attacked by the world for their religious beliefs; they understand what it is to be outcast and despised. So, it is all the more evil and sinful when they work to discriminate and legislate against another minority group of people that are different than them.

No one I know or trust would expect Mormons to change their faith or their beliefs. But, if you don't support the idea of gay people needing to make their own families, to marry the person they love most in the world, then just don't come to the wedding. Why do these people feel a need to put into law discrimination? Why do they feel a right to tell me who to love and to comment on who I love when they would not tolerate for one minute anyone telling them their love is wrong?

I come from a very large Mormon family. We are typical. But, let me tell you, that in all of my family--cousins and aunts and uncles extended through several generations--that no one had a perfect or ideal marriage. My family, like everyone else I know in the world has problems and issues and some even have illness and abuse as part of their history. The Mormons may have an ideal of the family, but they are just like the rest of the world.....a people with good intentions who are usually imperfect.

I believe that Jesus Christ was an advocate for the outcast; He worked to heal divisions and taught love of neighbor as the key of His mission in the world. He would not once have tolerated a bureaucracy or group of HIs followers spreading hatred and division and misunderstanding of those outcast from society. My view of Christ is that He was an advocate for healing and understanding and forgivenness. All of us are human and all of us are brothers.....regardless of race, color, background, and sexual orientation.

Daily I see the outcomes of what being an outcast does to people. I see disease and depression and self-loathing; But, I also see people who despite their status as pariahs here in the world, have come to love themselves and to live lives full and rich--to serve their families and their communities. I am proud of my gay and lesbian and transgendered family who have worked on themselves to the point that they live their lives openly and honestly and claim their stake in the world just as much as their neighbors do.

The majority of money raised against the rights of gays and lesbians to politic and legislate discrimination were from Mormons. This means that they funded an ad campaign that included lies and negativity and further spread hatred and fear about gay people in the world. This is evil work. It is not what Christ would have been doing with His time and efforts in today's world. Can anyone imagine what 40 million dollars could have done to work on poverty, health care, abuse victims and therapy? Shame on my Mormon people. Shame on all of those who understand hatred and bigotry and prejudice who perpetuate hatred and prejudice against others. This evil was part of the cost of Christ's suffering and you have added to His suffering and the suffering of the very outcasts He came to save.

The Perfect Tuscany.....

2008-10-23T08:39:00.001-07:00

Florence from the hillside Piazza Michaelangelo

It is hard to label a vacation as the perfect vacation, but our time in the countryside of Tuscany must rank up there among the greatest trips ever taken.... The traumas of travel are real....luggage getting waylaid by British Airways, gay men packing too much and thus having to lug too many suitcases through train stations and the narrow streets of Florence looking for the car rental shop...to getting lost learning to drive in ancient Florence and looking for a villa among many hills outside of the town....

But, renting a car, and driving in the countryside among olive groves and the fields of grapevines ripe with grapes just waiting for the picking was one of the highlights of this week long stay at the Villa Poggio al Merli....
The Bronze copy of David in Piazza Michaelangelo

We were able to see the art and history and the palaces and churches of Florence..... We saw The David and where Michaelangelo is buried. We drove to San Gimignano, Montenegronni (Which was Dante's inspiration for the gates of hell in his poem, The Inferno) and into Siena. We drove to Lucca and into Pisa to see the real leaning tower of Pisa and the beautiful San Pietro chapel it is built next to. We even spent a day driving through the Alabaster city, Volterra to the Meditteranean in search of the best wine in Italy from Bolgheri.....

This is Siena

Lucca, in the rain

But, by the time we get to Pisa, just 20 more Kilometers, the sun has come out and it is stunning...

The River Arno reflects some of the older buildings in Florence

This is from a hilltop in Siena

This is the center of town in San Gimignano.

The church is wrong. Do not fund discirimination and hatred.

2008-10-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

I have had many itmes when I have disagreed with my sons, my moths, my family. I have seen you make choices about life and love and about the 'should's differernt than than I have. But, first and foremost., you are my family; my brothers and my sisters and I will go to my death bead honoring your goodnees. I iwll also live for as long as God give ms breath succeededing at my missionion.... which is to learn and teach and write and heal, and when I canot heal, then to wrap them in love and hope and prepare them for the next journey. I love being a "Mormon". I know better than anyone that I don't fit that mold how it is decribed today. But I come from you and loved you and have been loved by you....even at times you did not understand the emontion of the time, no see the bigger picture.

I have written a smiliar letter, pooorly in the past.... But, what a time.

So many public choices to make each with a little imperfection.......and how we make this choice means much to the future of the world.

I see in Oback Barama imperfection... And then humanness. I see hope and ambition and ego and craziness in that dream

I see something difference what I look at McCain. He is a small town boy who got the shit kicked out of him and he cam back with notoriety and that notoraiety/celebrity stayed. One has to ask what one does with the gifts they have been given.....when we are given gifts we must fulfill them.
So, this started out as a plea to give five, ten or more dollars to yes on marriage in Californinia......It it is Mormon money, our monry that is going to instill sltavery and a two class system into our govementment. Our family will be affected by the campaign to vote against the civil right to marry anyone.

Taking that painful truth out of the here and now, let's talk about life and the meaning of wars adn hatred and greed and goverment intervention, and what becomes a public crime and what doesn't .........the scales of justice don't just weigh the sand...but the sweat and the effort......

America. Killians, Averys, and the rest of you rag tag's spawn of The Killian and Avery linies...... You are trained to go for the White old man and the beauty queen Governor over the unkwnown, non-fundatmentalist christian men and their families...... Amazing what choices we have and who we want to be like us.......Who has had to work their whole life and who flies of private jets regularly? Who prays and who doesn't? Who is humbled and who is shocked (both given the day's issue.....)

Hello from Tuscany

2008-10-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hello from The Villa Poggio ai Merli in the hills outside of Florence. Rome was a blur, and we have arrived finally in Florence. We will live our lives telling the stories of driving on these crazy roads and thank you to a local who got in his truck and drove in front of us to the villa in the hills of Tuscany.....and would only accept our thanks after being so lost.. What a beautiful and perfect spot for our week of adventure in Tuscany....

Meefers Highlights Seattle's Capitol Hill Medical Clinic

2008-09-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

You can see all of this on the Seattle page at Meefers.com

BY: Michael Sarko

Posted: Monday, September 29, 2008

UNCOMMON PRACTICE

The reality of being queer means understanding that our sexuality may alter the way we are seen by the people on whom we depend. When it comes to those individuals who have access to the more intimate aspects of our lives, this prospect is especially worrying, and what professional service is more intimate than medical care? For many in the LGBT community of Seattle, the search for the right doctor ends at the intersection of Boren Avenue and Marion Street, at Capitol Hill Medical.

Founded in August 2008, Capitol Hill Medical is Seattle’s first general care office designed to meet the healthcare needs of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Dr. Robert Killian, Dr. Vy Chu and Nurse Practitioner Dave Holt have set out to provide care based on honesty and acceptance for a community that remains largely under-served. The driving logic behind CHM is the importance of patient comfort. For anyone seeking medical assistance, withholding personal information can mean incomplete or improper care. For many who have fallen victim to discrimination by medical professionals because of their sexual orientation, or have simply opted to remain closeted to their doctors, incomplete care is exactly what they receive. Dr. Killian sums it up nicely when he says, “If we get the whole story, we can provide whole care.”

Listening to the stories of Dr. Killian, Dr. Chu and Mr. Holt, it becomes apparent that Capitol Hill Medical is the recent history of LGBT medicine in microcosm. Just as gay patients so often have to struggle with fragmented health care while searching for doctors who are properly educated about their needs, the providers at CHM have had to compete with the resulting overwhelming demand. One of the biggest problems, according to Dr. Chu, isn’t the dearth of gay doctors, it’s the lack of attention paid to the necessary science behind the care. In a time when medical practices rely so heavily on studies and statistics, the queer community must be included in the research and policy-making in order to have sufficient data to inform treatment. For instance, Gardasil, the vaccine for the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) has yet to be sufficiently tested and thereby approved by the FDA for use by men. This is all despite the fact that gay and bisexual men are considered at high-risk for contraction of the virus and 17 times more likely than straight men to develop some form of cancer as a result. However significant the danger, the medical community of America simply isn’t as engaged in LGBT-centered research as they need to be.

It is the hope of the staff at Capitol Hill Medical that their practice will provide an excellent example of what should be done to improve medicine in America. If the queer community’s care providers are visible, so too will the healthcare needs of the community. From the inside perspective, those needs are no different than those of any other community—Comprehensive care on a case-by-case basis without discrimination. Whether discussing the studies conducted by the scientists of our day or the kind of care all people require, whether commenting on the education of medical professionals or the education of our children in school, it is that word, Comprehensive, around which the care professionals at CHM focus the philosophy of their practice and their hopes for the future of American health.

Capitol Hill Medical

2008-08-23T16:49:00.001-07:00

so, lots to catch everyone up on...

But, the summer has been full of so much stress and busyness. But, I would like to announce the opening of the first, permanent GLBT Community Health Care Center in Seattle. Three providers with several waiting in the wings. I have added to my practice a new medical doctor, Vy Chu and a Nurse Practitioner, David Holt. These guys are now open and building a practice to serve our community and to assist me create a space that is safe and unique to provide health care for our community. We are off and running in new space (although the address remains the same) and have a five and ten year plan to be in our own building or space and to have a multi-speciality practice that could meet the needs of all those who seek us out.

So, please pass on the news. The practice is open. We have new providers, finally, willing to see and build a practice that serves those with HIV, those who happen to be GLBT and their friends and family: Capitol Hill Medical, PLLC. Http://www.capitolhillmedical.com

The Floods in Iowa

2008-06-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

So...Denny's family has been very affected by the flood that his Iowa last week...Several family members have lost everything...
So we are raising money and will be holding a garage sale to raise money to help them out.... If any of you would like to donate money to them please let me or Denny know. If you have anything you would like to donate to the garage sale please let me know...we will be holding the garage sale on June 28, 2008.......just let us know how we can pick up or meet you to get the stuff for the sale....

Live the Gospel of Love. Affirmation asks the Mormons to stay out of Marriage fight

2008-05-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

I applaud Affirmation, the national organization for gay and lesbian Mormons for the statement they released today:

Affirmation Issues Statement on the May 2008 Ruling of the California Supreme Court
“We encourage LDS leaders to find a new focus by preaching and living a Gospel of love and respect toward all peoples and all families”

May 30, 2008

Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons commends the California Supreme Court for their decision striking down the denial of marriage equality to same-sex couples.
“One of the core elements of the right to establish an officially recognized family that is embodied in the California constitutional right to marry is a couple's right to have their family relationship accorded dignity and respect equal to that accorded other officially recognized families, and assigning a different designation for the family relationship of same-sex couples while reserving the historic designation of 'marriage' exclusively for opposite-sex couples poses at least a serious risk of denying the family relationship of same-sex couples such equal dignity and respect.“

—California Chief Justice Ronald M. George, writing for the majority
Like all Mormons, the members of Affirmation believe strongly in the worth and sanctity of families—all families. We believe that the presence of more committed marriages will strengthen our society rather than weaken it. Like Mormons throughout the world, we believe that our homes can be like a small piece of Heaven, and that every person should have the opportunity to realize their hopes and dreams by being able to marry the person they love. We affirm the worth and dignity of all individuals, straight or gay, as children of a loving Creator.

Affirmation members look forward to the day that the LDS Church will be a welcoming place for gay Mormons and their families. It is ironic that a church which in the past has been so persecuted and excluded for practicing an alternative family model (polygamous families), can now be so invested in condemning and making illegal another alternative family model (same-sex couples and their children). But this ruling really isn't about Mormon families. It is not about temple marriage, or any form of religious marriage for that matter. It has nothing to do with doctrine. This is about civil marriage as an institution of the state—a legal institution based on core societal values, such as the worth and dignity of the family unit. Religions are not being asked to marry anyone they don't want to marry.

We urge the leaders of the LDS Church to use their energies and their funds not to work to overturn the Court ruling affirming the worth of the family, not to meddle in politics, not to spread fear, or demonize our families, but rather to work with us to counsel and assist individuals and families who have been devastated by the Church’s teachings that have caused family members to reject their children who are gay. We encourage LDS leaders to find a new focus by preaching and living a Gospel of love and respect toward all peoples and all families.

Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons

W. Olin Thomas III
Executive Director

David W. Melson
Assistant Executive Director

James R. Morris
Assistant Executive Director

Ten Years into Private Practice

2008-05-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

A letter to my patients:

Many of you have commented on the recent footnotes to my email and some have heard of the trauma in the practice lately.

So, here is a few thoughts as I reach my tenth year in practice:

I do not practice with malice nor am I out to harm anyone.

As a primary care physician my responsibility is not only to provide timely care, but also to know when we need a specialist's help and further evaluation. I am often surprised by the expectation that some seem to have that I should be able to provide all care that they need; that there is a criticism when I refer to another specialist or seek the advice of another medical consultant. That is the role of the primary care physician. I would run as far as possible away from anyone in medicine who knows it all and who does not know when to ask for help. But, the assumption that a physician should know everything about every specialty is as dangerous and can prove very damaging to one's health. In my patient population I see this most often play out when someone refuses to see the specialist or delays care or does not follow the advice given.

What happens when a doctor says 'no' to a request?

Most of you usually ask why I have turned down the request or come in to discuss the issue. But, some of you get very angry. Let me remind you that I will have a very good reason for saying no. My job is to provide you excellent care or to direct you towards a better health outcome. The most common reasons for saying no are that I feel the request is for an inappropriate or even harmful treatment, or the use of the medication may be harmful, or that the request is for a treatment I am not comfortable providing. If you do not understand the response please ask why or come in to discuss it. There is absolutely no malice or harm intended on my part, but saying no is part of providing good health care.

This practice is a non-traditional practice. Most of you seem comfortable here. But, If you feel more comfortable in a more traditional multi-specialty clinic then please make this change. If you do not understand something, feel you are not getting what you need, or wonder why something happens in the office a certain way then please bring it up to discuss it with me. The relationship between a physician and patient is first and foremost about open communication. And, I believe I am at least the most accessible physician to communicate with in Seattle. Don't sit at home wondering. Ask the questions.

If you have a chronic illness that requires ongoing medication you need to be seen on a regular and timely basis. When you are on the last refill of your medications this usually means it is time to make another appointment to be seen and in some cases to come in for more blood testing. Please call for an appointment when you fill the last refill so that there is no break in your care. I am constantly amazed that patients can take very dangerous and expensive medication and expect ongoing refills when they are not monitoring their health, communicating with their doctor about the treatment outcome or refusing to have their blood test monitored as needed.

In flu and cold season most illnesses are caused by viruses. It is inappropriate--and can be dangerous--to treat viral illnesses with antibiotics. For many years physicians have placated patients' demands for antibiotics at the first sign of a viral illness, but this has changed. Medicine has gotten wiser and more cautious as the evidence is growing that this over-use of antibiotics is actually harming patients and the public health. Every year during the winter months I feel daily your frustration about this issue. I hear how difficult it is to take a day off work, how badly this illness is timed and how you just want a pill to make it all better. Every day it feels like I have to argue to provide the best care—which is usually rest and fluids. Asking for antibiotics for viral illnesses is asking for bad care. Sometimes a pill is not the answer to an illness. Please understand that there is no malice or malpractice in this. And, as always, if you feel you are not being heard or are getting worse then please come in to be evaluated.

And, finally. Email. Email is a marvelous tool for easy communication. But, in medicine it is for non urgent communication only. It cannot replace evaluation and observation. It is a service I offer free of charge and hope to continue to do so. I have offered this email access free of charge for ten years now and I get about 50-100 patient communications per day...I answer these between scheduled appointments, at the end of my day and as best and as fast as I can. This also on top of the two to three hours a day of paperwork and the behind the scenes battles with insurance companies and pharmacies on behalf of my patients. There is no ‘tone’ to my questions or short responses. I am usually seeking more information, trying to answer a question—which can be difficult in cyberspace, or I am asking the patient to make an appointment to be seen.

To close, it is a joy to serve my own community; to provide a safe place for my patients to come in to discuss their fears, their concerns, to build plans to better health. Thank you for the opportunity to be part of your lives.

The Failed War on Drugs: Thoughts after a decade of activism

2008-05-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

For many of you who know me, this post won't be a surprise. But, I feel a need to put down my thoughts as I acknowledge more than a decade writing, speaking and thinking about the failed war on drugs, the plight of those who use marijuana as medicine, and how damaging the mistreatment of addiction is on the communities I serve and the wider damage this 'war' has on society in general.

We are facing an exciting time in American politics as change seems so clearly the choice we face. And, I believe, public and political policy changes should include discussions on what to do about drugs and how we talk about them with our children and each other.

1. Drug Use is rampant in our world. Whether that be alcohol, over the counter medications, nicotine, or the use and abuse of prescription medications or illicit drug use--our society uses drugs. We seek out pills and medications for illness, to feel better, to celebrate, to relax, to escape, to recover. The reasons humans use drugs can be as simple as treating pain to the complex interaction of psychological and societal pressures. But, it seems that the public and media driven discussion about drugs has not changed much in the years that I have been participating as best I can to speak openly and honestly about what is a drug and how drugs should or could be used as medicine.
2. The criminalization of human behavior seems painfully inadequate to address addiction and the whys of illicit drug use and abuse--or for that matter--abuse and misuse of legal substances are woefully misunderstood and poorly handled by society in general.
3. It is in this setting that our children are still being raised--in a society that drinks and pops pills for numerous reasons and yet puts simplistic answers in the media and classroom about "drug use". After all these years the simple answers--which continue to fail us--are the go to answers for parents, schools, law enforcement and the medical community. Just say no is not working. Putting drug users in prison is not working. Arresting and criminalizing addicts is not working to save them or our communities from the cost of their addictions.

I call upon medicine to take the lead in this discussion. We have spent enough money on a war against addicts and nearly not enough on how to effectively treat addiction and those affected by it. We have spent enough money putting flashing red lights around 'illicit drugs'--and not enough on how to train parents and churches and teachers on how to discuss the realities of why humans use and misuse substances; how to best speak to each other and to our most vulnerable in language that does not insult their intelligence but also lowers the curiosity factor; that acknowledges drugs as part of our world and human history.

I call upon politicians to stop politicizing this discussion for points and to call a truce for all to begin a better dialogue and discussion. The costs to our families, our health and our world is too high for political points to be had.

I call upon the drug czar to use his budget more effectively to stimulate open and honest discussion about addiction and harm reduction; to fund research into more effective means of treating addiction.

I call upon law enforcement to speak honestly about the lessons learned in this multi-decade war that seems to have created more criminals but done little to diminish the damage done to our communities by addiction.

Beware of Reparative Therapy

2008-04-14T08:45:00.001-07:00

Beware of Reparative Therapy
By
Dr. Rob Killian

The brazen claims of "healed" homosexuals that one sees on occasion have reminded me of the time I, myself, spent attempting to find the cure for homosexuality. I wanted so badly to have these feelings disappear that I did everything my religious leaders recommended. This included not only religion-based psychotherapy, but also the singing of church hymns, wearing tight clothing to bed, and marriage after having been promised that God wanted evidence of my desire to change. Marrying a "daughter of God" was to be the ultimate act of faith that would bring me to a normal sexual life.

My religion-based psychotherapy was damaging--not only to me, but also to my wife and my family. I was introduced to the works of Jospeh Nicolosi, a Catholic writer and psychotherapist. He had written of his theories to cure homosexuality. These theories, based upon the assumption that homosexuality is pathologic, set out to define the cause for this pathology. What I did not initially realize, is that, in Nicolosi's theory, the assumed cause falls very close to home-dysfunctional families, distant fathers, overbearing mothers, jealous parents, etc. And if one of these is the cause for unwanted personal feelings and viewpoints it leads to blame and hatred and further dissolution of family ties. It also perpetuates hating a part of ones self.

Reparative therapy seeks to find blame for same sex desires then seeks to create new sexual desires for the opposite gender. In theory, this can sound promising to those struggling to not want their sexual feelings; those wanting to be ‘normal’ and to fit into their view of the world and how it should play out.

Reparative therapy attempts to create same-gendered non-sexual relationships for the struggling homosexual on the assumption that gay people have no healthy relationships with heterosexual members of their own gender. Men are encouraged to befriend straight men, to play sports, to discuss and explore opposite sexual feelings. Women are to heal their relationships with their mothers, to find healthy straight women friendships and to accept Christ and the patriarchal order that "God" has designed for the world. Reparative therapy does not offer wholeness. It seeks to compartmentalize the unwanted feelings into a hated part of one's being that is buried and ignored. Reparative therapy does nothing to heal this self-hatred. Reparative therapy does nothing to help deal with repressed feelings, nor do they prepare the individual for the various ways that repressed, unwanted feelings manifest themselves.

It is medical malpractice to advocate and direct patients to compartmentalize parts of their being into wanted and unwanted parts--to divide the psyche internally. It is a sad experience, as I know all too well, to deny part of ones self. The personal experience not only did not lead to mental or spiritual health, it gave me even more reason to hate my father and did nothing to assist me in loving my wife more.

Any psychologist or physician who would approach a patient with a presumed and preconceived agenda is definitely not worth the time or the money they are being paid. In fact this approach can be extremely dangerous to the health and spiritual well being of the patient. Any therapist or mental health professional that claims "cures" for homosexuality is lying. Do not be swayed by their words of sympathy or by the psychobabble. Do not be swayed by their degrees and licenses. These are snake oil salesmen or even worse. They are not ethical therapists or doctors. They have hidden agendas and the well being of the patient is not part of that agenda.

Reparative therapy is dangerous. It is based upon worn out theories that do not withstand independent evaluation or scientific observation. It is based upon theories that include lies about the history of homosexuality and the psychiatric profession. It is anti-science. The reparative theories have been dismissed by all independent mental health organizations and should be thrown on the heaps of discarded dangerous theories of mankind.

No scientific study has proved any efficacy for reparative therapy. No scientific study has been published which discusses the results of blame or the ongoing dangers of repressed self-hatred following such therapy. No study has been published looking at the heterosexual marriages that result from reparative therapy. No long-term study has been published looking at those who claim having found cures from homosexuality-like, how long the "cure" lasts, what the individual is feeling five years after therapy has been terminated, etc.

Now for those of you reading this who still feel shame or hatred for the part of you that has same-sex desires. Please know that these feelings are understandable in a world that teaches us that our lives are less valuable, that we are perverts and unwanted. It is not unusual to wish for a life of apparent normalcy. It is okay to struggle. It hurts to be different in a world that often values sameness. But, life can be full of joy and growth and peace as well as pain and struggle.

A life of joy comes only through self-acceptance and mental and spiritual wholeness. That does not mean that life has been without struggle or pain. This is part of the process of self-discovery and truth seeking. Struggle is worth the reward that comes with the ability to claim ones truth. Being gay does not preclude one from finding meaning and happiness in life. It does not preclude one from reaching their full potential.

Therapy may be an important part of the process of learning to love one's otherness; of learning to understand one's purpose in living. Health is more than just a normal blood pressure and normal body weight. It is spiritual and emotional health that will bless life. You will not get there with reparative therapy designed to "cure" you of your homosexuality.

The Church announces a meeting with Gay Mormons

2008-04-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

After finding a speech I gave on Gay Mormons at a Sunstone event ten years ago, an Associated Press reporter phoned me alst weekend and wanted a few quotes about an announcement that the Mormon Church had agreed to meet with representatives of Affirmation, the gay Mormon group. The interview was lengthy and the reporter was prepared and asked very good questions. But, like many other times I have been interviewed for stories, only one partial line and one other quote made it into the story. There is much more to this story.... But, first, here is the article:

Dr. Rob Killian poses in his office in Seattle on Sunday, April 6, 2008. After decades of silence, Mormon church officials have agreed to meet with a gay Mormon support group. Killian called a meeting between Affirmation and the church a "small improvement" and said he thinks the church may be acting for public relations reasons and fears it will perpetuate a false belief that the church will change. (Source:AP/Kevin P. Casey)

Mormon church agrees to meet with gay group
by Jennifer Dobner
Associated Press
Monday Apr 7, 2008

SALT LAKE CITY -- After decades of silence, Mormon church officials have agreed to meet with a gay Mormon support group that has sought to forge understanding between the faith’s leaders and its gay members.

In a letter received last week, leaders of Affirmation were invited to meet with Fred M. Riley, commissioner of Family Services for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and Harold C. Brown, the agency’s past commissioner.
"We’re pleased the church is opening up the possibility for dialogue," said Dave Melson, Affirmation’s assistant executive director. "Affirmation has tried 5 or 6 times over the past 31 years to meet with church leaders. This is their second response."

Affirmation has repeatedly invited church leaders to meet or attend the group’s annual conference, but the only response was a letter last year declining the conference invitation, Melson said.

In February, just three days after 80-year-old Thomas S. Monson was named president of the 13 million-member church, Affirmation petitioned the new leader to meet and begin an unprecedented conversation about gays in the church.

Riley’s letter, a copy of which was obtained by The Associated Press, says he and Brown were asked by Monson to meet with Affirmation on his behalf.

"We believe that is always important to have the opportunity to be given better understanding of your points of view so that the church can appropriately understand your organization and how best to be helpful," Riley wrote.

The meeting is scheduled for August, Riley confirmed Sunday in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

Among the specifics Affirmation wants to address: the historical treatment of gays by the church, including recommendations for aversion therapies to "cure" homosexuality; recommendations for more effective counseling methods; ways to avoid family break-ups; and a change in the honor code at church-owned Brigham Young University that can result in expulsion for sexually active gay students. The same standard applies to straight students.

"None of this requires a change in doctrine," said Melson. "They’re good for both gays and the church."

Melson, who spoke with Riley on Friday, said he asked if the meeting would result in any change or was simply and effort to placate Affirmation.

"They said that there won’t be immediate changes, but they are definitely interested in helping ... that they are sincere," he said. "We would like to start to a dialogue, even if it isn’t immediately fruitful.

For Affirmation, which has about 2,000 gay, lesbian and transgender members worldwide, an official meeting with anyone from the church organization is unprecedented.

Founded in secret by gay students at BYU in 1977, Affirmation has traditionally been ignored by church leaders, Melson said.

Killian called a meeting between Affirmation and the church a "small improvement" and said he thinks the church may be acting for public relations reasons. He fears it will perpetuate a false belief that the church will change.

"There is no way under the current system or the current administration that our story would be even listened to or heard," he said.

Valerie Larabee, executive director of the Utah Pride Center in Salt Lake City, is more hopeful.

"Any time that two groups come together there’s a possibility, and I hope the possibility can lead to more understanding, more acceptance and less isolation," said Larabee.

Many gay, lesbian and transgender church members seek support from the center after failing to find the help they need at LDS Family Services, she said.

"Part of the reason Affirmation does their work is to build bridges," Larabee said. "This is definitely the building of a bridge ... sometimes that process is long and arduous."

Copyright Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Now, comments from me:

First:

I don't hate my parents. I was explaining that Reparative Therapy seeks to find blame for homosexuality--much of which follows the old line that a 'distant father' or 'abusive father' or a mother who is 'too close' to their gay sons cause the homosexuality. And, that if one follows the line that hating one's homosexual feelings in this setting leads one to learn to hate and blame their parents was where I was going with the story.

Second:
This is a public relations stunt by the church. The meeting is not with any leader, but with the very Social Services that has for years destroyed gay and lesbian Mormons by offering shock therapy, marriage as a cure. The very social services that does not have their clients, the patients, as their main concern, but a theory and religious organization as the most important focus of the therapy. The very social services that has led to increased rates of suicide among gay and lesbian Mormons; the very social services that has pushed marriage as a cure and thus led to many failed marriages, destroyed self esteem and broken relations between children and their gay parent. This meeting is not set until August--months from now...late in the summer.

Third:

I feel for those still trapped in their belief systems that place LDS Doctrine as paramount and their own struggles to understand or fit into a church that despises them, that teaches them to hate themselves; to put their own loving natures and gifts aside for the promise of a place in heaven. This is such a painful place to be. There often seems no way out. I have now spent decades observing this personal journey in many men and women. I can only offer the hope that there is a way out of this pain. That there is a life outside of such pain. There is a spiritual journey to be had. And, most importantly, God Loves you. God does not hate you; He is not ignoring your pleas to be changed; to be made 'straight'; to take away this 'gift' of being or having homosexual desires and curiosities. You do not need to destroy yourself or your families to make it right with God. There are thousands and thousands who you can reach out to. There are so many good therapists to find; There are groups to connect with; You are not alone in this journey.

Fourth:
Reparative Therapy is a false therapy and malpractice in medicine and psychology. Anyone who is offering it as a valid option to gay and lesbian and transgendered and questioning people is offering snake oil and bad medicine to you. Avoid them at all costs.

Fifth:

If anyone who reads this needs some personal advice or direction in private, please feel free to email me or comment on this blog. I have lists of books, online stories, therapy referrals, and other things to offer. I can point you in safe directions where you can meet other people who have survived this journey--even with a variety of choices and decisions. You can learn more about how to survive and come to understand this journey. You can learn to love yourselves.

Rob Killian
Seattle, WA

Shooting someone because they are gay....

2008-03-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

Hi:

On February 12, 2008 Larry, a fourteen year old junior high student in Southern California, who happened to be gay, was shot and killed by his classmate, Brandon. Rumor has it that Larry had asked Brandon to be his valentine... Brandon, another fourteen year old was so upset by this display of affection and even love, that he took a gun to school and shot this kid.

We all live, I think, in a world where we live as if the world is better than it really is. That the jokes and prejudice and underlying hatred is okay. I have two sons who love their dad, but they still go to a church that teaches them that I am not worthy of their love and that I won't be in heaven with them. I have a mother who would rather spend time at that church than with me or my sister, who happens to be dating a woman right now. All she has for us is recommendations to pray and read the scripture. There are no questions from them about what we feel or how we think or what it does to us to see them spend their life and time on an organization that teaches misunderstanding and hatred.

And, it seems we hear daily about these isolated stories of bashing and murder and hatred. Society has gotten to a point of some tolerance in our larger cities and our lives. But, the message that it is okay to murder and kill someone who is gay is still visible if one looks close enough. It is okay to marginalize someone who is different than us is still the loudest message I see in my own personal story---despite years of struggle to be the best son and the best father.

What can we do to stop the hatred? Have we analyzed our own hearts and souls to rid ourselves of prejudice and hatred?

I loved Ellen Degeneres for taking the time the other day to address her large audience. And, I leave you with this video:
">

The Mountains: The Himalayas and Annapurnas

2007-11-22T08:12:00.000-08:00

I have so many photos and stories to share....and while I begin the food prep for Turkey today I am going to try to organize some of my thoughts about Nepal and trekking in the mountains....

Poverty, Women, the cycle of violence and ignorance

2007-11-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

Hello from Seoul...three flights down and the last one to finally get back to Seattle leaves in a hour or so....I am ready for my bed and, I believe, a shave(!!!!!)...

I watched a movie on the plane from Kathmandu to Bangkok yesterday called "Provoked"...about a Punjabi woman in Great Britain who killed her abusive husband after ten years of being a battered wife...and it is weighing heavily on my mind along with the overwhelming subtext of my travels recently. One cannot just go see the sights of the world without also seeing the reality of the way people live. Asia is so vibrant and so full of natural and historical beauty. But, the poverty of so many people living in squalor is at times overwhelming....

Having grown up in the 1970s, I guess I must have assumed that the struggle for human rights and for the equality of women was world wide. But, here we are living in a world full of hatred, misunderstanding and where most of the world lives at poverty levels we cannot fathom in the West.

Lots of thoughts about how to help; how to make a difference still in the world even though I live thousands of miles away and have my own personal struggles and a community I serve daily in my work.

I believe it is unacceptable to live in the world and not worry about equality and human rights. I believe that the abuse of women and of those weaker than ourselves is evil and must be met with a united front of intolerance by the world's communities.

yet, I know that women often perpetuate this second class status; perpetuate the condition that leads to further abuse; raises children to perpetuate these conditions and attitudes. Religion is a very powerful influence here and there are whole societies still in the world where a woman is the property of the man in her life; where she has no rights both legally speaking and personally speaking.

One cannot see photos of the natural devastations such as the cyclone that hit a few days ago in Bangladesh and not see that women and children--the poor--will be the most hardest hit as far as suffering and hunger and the search for shelter goes.

In Nepal, the amount of children not getting an education, roaming the streets and the trails in search of food and a subsistance was, at times, overwhelming. One must really question governments and societies that does not protect it's children. The squalor apparent on the streets of Kathmandu, while not the most powerful memories I want to return with, will live with me forever. It reminds me of the overwhelming sense of outrage I often felt while serving as a missionary in South Korea as a young man and seeing such extremes of wealth living side by side....

For many of the world very little has changed.

Back to Kathmandu, almost back to reality....

2007-11-16T00:58:00.000-08:00

Just off a final rugged outdoor experience in the Royal Chitwan National Park at a wildlife refuge...no electricity, no phone access..and of course no internet access...but a life time of memories... WOW!!!

I rode an elephant three times, spent two hours trailing and finally seeing a Rhinocerous...danced with the local tribesmen in a tribal dance last night and got to ride down a beatiful river in a dug out canoe.

I am proudest of making it off the mountain safely and without too much pain (boy those calf muslces climbing down hill.....)

I still have not shaved and even though it is incredibly itchy....I will see how it wears back home....:)

I have a million photos and tons of thoughts to share but will wait till I can download this from my journal and my camera to my own computer....

I will be back to work on Monday

Hello from Ghorepani, Nepal

2007-11-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

Just finished the fourth day of trekking...hit our highest point today in the Annapurna range at 11,000 feet. I have so much to share, but this is a dial up connection and I want to share my pictures as well. The Altitude is fine..no sign of altitude sickness.

The mountains tower above us...they are majestic, silent, snow-covered and beautiful. I am moved spiritually and have lots of time to think, journal, hike...

Just to share, four days of hiking with a tent and sleeping bag means I have not shaved in four days, have only had a chance to shower once.....it is not pretty....but I feel rugged and very healthy....the strenuous climbing is really exhilirating.

Lots more to share....

Bangkok, Thailand

2007-11-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

I had a layover for two day here in Bangkok, and am now just waiting for a car to take me back to the airport and on to Kathmandu this morning...It is hot, humid and a major city here in Bangkok...the people are very friendly. I used my time to get a new tux made and five dress shirts... There is a thrill seeing someone take a clothing idea and quickly turn it in to reality. So, Tim, watch out I also now have a tux that fits and looks marvelous...:)

So far the story has been about the ease with which one can board a plane in Seattle Washington and within a full day be completely on the opposite side of the world. This old man watched as Boeing grew from a baby into the huge corporation that builds the best jets in the world..but it is still AMAZING to me.!!!!!

There is a lot of sexuality on display here...no shame in being transgendered, a money boy,frequenting the clubs and saunas and dance clubs. I do get to add BAngkok to my Dancing around the world series....I was doubtful at first when the club with the only option before 2AM started the night with some of the worst drag I have ever seen and yet thousands of men and boys were there to cheer on the performers.

But the dancing started and after a couple of hours I went to the overflow/after hour club where the music wa GREAT and there was room to get lost in the joy of 'ecstatic dancing'

I am definitely living well.

Leaving for Nepal Today

2007-11-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hi:

I am going to begin my long awaited journey to trekking in Nepal today.....but will not be posting on here until at the end of my trip since I will not be carrying my computer or phone up the mountain with me. I do promise photos when I can and will do my best to capture the experience in a journal I am carrying with me along the way.
Here a couple of photos from my trip to Kathmandu in 2005

Rob

My home art collection

2007-10-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

I recently added two paintings by a local Seattle artist, Roderick Rojo, to my collection in honor of the remodel in my life and in my condo. I wanted to show them off here and to highlight some of my other art....the photos are not the best and as I can I will update them...but you will all be invited to the house warming when I unwrap the remodeled condo and start having dinner and cocktail parties again....
This is titled 'Seethe' and is 48" by 60"

This is 'Carapace' and is smaller:

Roderick will be showing his new collection at a gallery on November 29, 2007. Please let me know if you would like more information to see this new and talented artist in Seattle.

The next three pieces are by a Portland artist, represented locally by the Friesen Gallery, Matthew Denison. I love these pieces of whimsical and complex art about identity and gender.

A friend from high school, Evan Ferwerda is now painting and I have two of his early pieces. Here is the larger of the two.

Here is a very popular painting among my friends..it is a painting that is covered with glass tiles and the grout is painted to match the painting underneath it. It is done by my friend, Cassandra Blackmore.

This piece, I commissioned by a Houston Artist, and is titled: "Blue Rain". It is based upon a poem I wrote when I was coming out, missing my hometown of Seattle, missing my boys, and my family and hoping for a better future as an openly out and honest gay man.

I have several paintings, sculptures, and artisitic photos by local artist, STeve Jensen. Here are a few of the things I have by him:

This is a version of Warren Knapp's "Circle of LIfe" (a local Seattle artist whose studio is on Bellevue Way). I commissioned this from an earlier painting he did that had previously sold to another collector.

And, then I have my three Ghost paintings from China and a copy of a Terra Cotta Warrior that I truly love. I feel him watching over me and my home....

This I call "The Gladiator"

And, I will leave you one last Steve Jensen: "My Man's Back"

HRC Gala Dinner, Seattle, with T.R. Knight and Jane Lynch

2007-10-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

Glamour, black tie and lots of alcohol always seem to bring the chic to Seattl each year as we gather to raise money for the Human Rights Campaign...and this year was no exception....Thank you to my friends and family who filled the table I sponsored and donated both their time and talents to make this years' dinner a great success....

Besides all of the great people and how fun it was to see everyone dressed to the nines...and to bid on exceptional auction items, our celebrity guests...from M.C. 'Ross the Intern of The Tonight Show fame, and T. R. Knight our gay surgical intern on 'Grey's Anatomy" and the honoree, Jane Lynch from the Christopher Guest players and The L Word made it all very special. Everyone was gaga over T. R. Knight--who seemed shy in his celebrity status and yet delivered on of the most simple and powerful messages of power and pride as a gay man that we all needed to hear.

My friend, Ward, who I met on my China excursion last year joined our table and spent the weekend visiting from Fort Lauderdale....He seemed to fall in love with Seattle and even mentioned that he could live here. We now just need to find him a boyfriend.

Glenn, my office manager and his partner, David joined us as well. They are now living in Granite Falls and have opened their seventeen acre Llama and Alpaca farm. Check out their website, pacapride.com...it is amazing and beautiful.

I am always amazed at how many people do not attend these events. They are fundraisers to support our very work for civil liberties in WAshington, DC and around the states...this is the group that helps push legislation and supports good proggressive candidates across the country. HRC is one of many worthy causes we should be donating our time and money and support to. Please join today--even if it is a simple membership and volunteer. Http://www.hrc.org.... And, maybe we can see you at the fundraisers and social events for the coming year as we gather our strength and power for the 2008 election cycle....

Kudos to the great local dinner captains for a fantastic evening.

Gay Cruisiing: Atlantis Greek Isles 2007 and the White Party

2007-09-28T15:49:00.001-07:00

So, I am unsure whether I should put these pictures on line or not....but I did want to discuss what gay travel, and especially gay cruising means to me. I have now been back a few weeks, readjusted to being in Seattle where I don't dance in either a swim suit or in my underwear.....

So, my biggest fear about being on a gay cruise was that it would be like being in a gay bar 24 hours a day.....and while there was some of that, there was also the sunshine, a freedom to just be who I was, to have fun, to let my hair down, and of course, to dance in my underwear.....to dress up in costume and play.

Here I am in part of my white party costume...a guy I was dancing next to wanted my cowboy hat and I took his sailor hat for a moment....

Every afternoon there would be a party from 5-7 with music, dancing, performances...a celebration. It was a nice end to a usually busy day of touring in the various ports. It was hot, sunny, and we were drinking surrounding this beautiful pool....

I will never forget what a hit these white cowboy boots, white cowboy hat and a set of pink toy guns was....

Atlanta, The Largest Aquarium in the World, Birthdays and a third date with John

2007-09-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

How is that for a long title? I just got back from a great birthday weekend in Atlanta, courtesy of my friend John (Whom I met in Mykonos in July)....I got to meet many of John's friends at my birthday party on Friday night with The Crimson Party"...We all had to wear something red and the house was full of red and a signature red cocktail was served....What a great group of men and women who made me feel very welcome and who obviously love John.

One of the highlights of the weekend was the chance to get to the largest Aquarium in the world--in downtown Atlanta. The beg drawa there was the 61 million gallon 'ocean' tank...which was phenomenol. The following were all taken with my iphone. The first one is my favorite. Taken from a tunnel under the tank This is a sawtooth shark from below....

And, here is a grouper in the Ocean tank:

And a Beluga Whale:

And another view of the Whale Shark.....

John took me to Wisteria, his favorite restaurant in Atlanta for my birthday dinner last night...it was great...great food, romantic, I even splurged and had cobbler for dessert.....:) Great way to turn 47!!!!

Corfu: The Greenest of the Greek Isles

2007-09-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

Our last stop in Greece--after a full day at sea since leaving Istanbu--brought the boat to Corfu... This quaint, green island was, especially for those of us from the Northwest, the most beautiful place we saw. Trees, sailboats dotting the horizon and a small old city that was extremely relaxed, less tourist oriented and overall calmer than the other Greek ports. Across the bay is Albania....and the promise of Croatia the following day.

Istanbul: A City on Two Continents

2007-09-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

It has been a life long dream to get to Turkey and to see Istanbul. This dream was made stronger after reading the incredible book, "My Name is Red" by Turkish author Orhan Pamuk...which was set in sixteenth century Istanbul. The thought that our cruise would be diverted and not dock in Istanbul was a real fear only allayed by our greeting and welcome the day before in Kusadasi.....

I got up at dawn to watch the boat arrive into the Bosphorus strait in approach the inlet where Asia meets the European Continent.

Highlights included lunch on the river overlooking the city; Seeing the blue Mosque and Topkapi Palace where the Sultans used to live and the Grand Bazaar, the fifteenth century covered bazaar full of stall and businesses selling rugs, clothing, ceramics and jewelry....it was full of both tourists and locals. It appeared to be the center of much of the action in old town Istanbul. The sounds and smells of the place even today bring a smile to my face.

Here is the last stop on "The Orient Express"..the train station in Istanbul...where coincidentally the train from London had just arrived the day prior and was preparing for the return journey...

Mestrovic, A Croatian Sculptor... A day in Split, Croatia

2007-09-12T15:10:00.001-07:00

For those who don't know me well, I am a fan of art.....of all kinds, but especially of paintings and sculpture. One of the joys of traveling for me is the discovery of new art or an artist I have never heard of. My earliest memory of this discovery in my adulthood was the day I spent in a Philadelphia museum learning of and enjoying Brancusi's work..... My day in Croatia was such a moment. I had chosen to get away from the 'ruins' and to discover art and the most beloved artist in Split, Croatia is their native son, Ivan Mestrovic. He is mostly a sculptor, but also drew. His medium was either Walnut, bronze, marble or plaster...

His work is full of a religious nature. His Pieta is both painful and beautiful....nearly as dramatic as Michaelangelos in St. Peters in Rome.

Here is his St. John the Divine....

But, he is best known for his love of women and the care that he creates their curves and capturing their pain. It may be hard to get a sense of this without photos of the many pieces in the gallery that were not to be photographed....but here are a few pieces to enjoy....

Having worked the first half of this century, in a society that was destroyed and changed by world wars and then communism, the common man is also a common theme. There are pieces in his gallery of families with horror and hunger on their faces. And then throughout the city of Split his work is found in churches and public squares.... I found it moving and refreshing to see such an artist in a country that is just waking from nearly a century of isolation and destruction.

I found Split to be a beatiful spot very different than Greece. The center of town is focused around the huge palace built by the local son who became Roman Emporer in the third Century...known as the Diocletian Palace. This third century structure largely remains intact and from this ancient city one can witness how religion changed and time also added to a city's structure...for on top of the palace homes were built, mausoleum's and temples changed into Catholic Churches; military barracks now as apartments....

The Ephesians...Ephesus....in Turkey

2007-09-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

So, the biggest story as we enter Turkey is that Kudasai, the port is welcoming a gay cruise--in a predominantly Muslim country. There are rainbow flags in the shops along the port and businesses and people are very welcoming.

But, just a few kilometers away is the famous and barely excavated city of Ephesus.

This is where John, the Beloved took the mother of Christ after the Crucifixion. This is the city that welcomed Paul and to whom he preached and wrote letters found in the New Testament.

The ruins were full of tourists.....the most and busiest place we stopped at during this cruise. There were religious pilgrims (there is even a 'house' which the Catholic church now claims is the house Mary lived in--outside the city wall....As our tour guide admitted, this is only speculation and the house is a 'reproduction'. But, if it is truly the place where the mother of Christ lived....she chose to live outside of the huge city for reasons that would include the animosity she felt for the Romans (whose city this was)....or so our Tour Guide told us).

I am just so happy to be in Turkey.....to have this cruise ship dock in a Muslim country. The Sunshine and heat are both exhausting, but beautiful.

We toured the site of the first church dedicated to John just above the old ruins of Ephesus as well.

Rhodes, Greece....

2007-09-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

So, more ruins, another Greek Island, sunshine and a walled city. Now, as I write this one week later, exhausted from so much excitement on the boat and the daily excursions I long for a Greek Island with just sunshine and beaches and nothing to do. Rhodes, a walled city was just as charming and calm as the other islands I have now visited.

I must say that with so many ancient cities now lying in ruins or un-excavated....they begin to blend in my mind. But, each site contained a history that was long, proud and fascinating. Here on Rodos (as Rhodes is called by the Greeks) the ruins were of a large city built by the farmers who grew olives and other agricultural goods to trade with other islands and among the civilizations along the Aegean sea.

Delos and Mykonos....

2007-09-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

So...back to Mykonos to start the "Gay Cruise..."...which means there is not much to tell you about Athens...(Yes, go there once, but you will never need to go back)...

God, I love the sun...and I love Mykonos...such an idyllic town and setting.

I got out of the boat on my first day of the cruise to see more ruins...Delos....an ancient city destroyed because of it's prosperity and success....anciently one of the economic centers of the Mediterranean and advertised as the 'party city' of it's time....

I will write more about 'why gay travel?'...but this cruise is proving to be more for me than even hoped. The only thing lacking is a man to share it all with and to hold my hand with as we see the sites, smell the smells and taste the local wine....

So, below are photos from Delos...

Hello from Istanbul

2007-09-06T08:38:00.001-07:00

For those checking in.....I have very limited and expensive Internet connection on the boat...But, "Gay Cruising" is definitely a great way to vacation.....I have so many things to say, talk about....lots on my mind about this year of intensive travel.

But, today I am in Istanbul, Turkey......definitely a great place to visit and definitely a place to come back to. eight hours in port is just enough to get a taste of this great city of 14 million people. There is a great book that I read last year that won many awards called: "My Name Is Red" that is set in ancient Istanbul by a Turkish author that I would definitely recommend.....and can't wait to read it again now that I have walked through the Grand Bazaar and the Palace and the other sites of old town....

I'll write more when I can. But, I am having one of my favorite 'times of my life'....

Delfi....a Day trip outside of Athens

2007-09-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

So...hello again from Athens and Greece. Twice in one year is making my brain spin a bit. But, I live with the universe giving me gifts and I don't question all of the reasons yet...I now know why I was supposed to be in Mykonos last month....but here I am back in Greece, preparing for my first ever "Gay Cruise".

I have to admit, I was not looking forward to the beginning of this trip...another two days in Athens with temperatures pushing 100 degrees and not much to see other than the Parthenon.....to admire the Acropolis from afar.

Well, I got into town last night and the concierge helped me book a day trip to Delphi.....the home of Apollo's temple and a sacred site..with so many archeological benefits that one could spend a life time elucidating all that happened here and because of the work done at this sacred place in Greece history. But, the site includes not only the temple and all of the area or a religious nature..the buildings and various offerings and monuments...but, also the stadia and the gymnasium (Schools) that they have unearthed. The amphitheatre where poets such as Homer delivered their timeless and classical views of life and purpose.

Here are the four remaining colums of the most important temple rebuilt the third time in th 3 fourth BC period. this is where the oracles or prophecies would be given to reish and other powerful indidivuals and groups. The remains around this large temples are the various "tithings' places for various families and city-states--to store their valualbe offerings.
This is the real stuff. this is where centurires of decisions were made in communication to the gods of the times down to the nit-picky way to get into war and feed a comunity and serve a nation.

The drama lover that I am...the writer and the on who would know best what had taken place at this various amphitheatre made it the most interesting stop today. There thousans could participate and witness teh dramas and comedies; heard some of the greatest literature of al time performed here.... or Read here as they say in the poet's world.
It took me a moment to honor the setting, the history, my membership as one who thinks and writes and would love to have somethign to say to a gathered group at such a staidum.

Here is a intact, basicaly stadium. It is where the games and competitions could be performed. it sits at the top most point of the complex...it works one's deepepest strength just to attend and cheer on your favorite.. but iti also very well preserved....stone staium seats. I thought alot about Tayloy and My trip the Rome Olympico Stadium...Just change the history and purpose of games and you could have his in Rome.

Can't you picture the early Gree poets and playwrights and writers of music trying out their themes here at the temple of Adona. Mayby if one of you with lot so time could fine the appropriate HOMER poem about ths time adn how important ths temple and gymnasium are I could add to this entty.

And, here, in Greece is once again visual acknolewgement that one of their great leaders, Hadrian, had young Male companion--whom he loved. This is one version of his male lover who died way too soon and became a 'demi-god' in Greece by decree of Hadrian. There it is out there in the open and honest. His likeness is the best preservered and well cared for. Love has very few boundaries. What a great way to end up the display.

And, just to make this note as interesting as possible. It is nearly 40 degrees in Athens today...Hot, Sizzling, all you want to do id drink and sit by the pool or in the pool. One of my tour companions, A chef named Paul, today after we both decided we could not eat the buffett lunch that this hotel had prepared for us would go out and sit at the pool and wait. Well our feet got in this cool refreshing water and within minutes I had all of my clothes off except fro my dark blue underwear and I went swimming. It was remarkable and refresshing. Private, but I got out of my day clothes and went swimming in my underwear in Delfi today. No one on the cruise seemed offended. But, no on joined in.

Beaches: Puerto Vallarta....Dancing and the Sun.....

2007-08-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I would pass on a few photos of me from Mexico....it was a great vacation...and I love the sun. Who knew even an old geek like me would want to sit on a beach and also dance until dawn?

Got to love those ten dollar Prada knockoffs....

Miles: Thoughts about my oldest son.....

2007-08-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

What a great week. And, I am a proud dad. And, so happy to have Miles home with us again. He has grown up so much, and yet, his silliness and personality are so present after his two year mission to Argentina. On our last full day in Puerto Vallarta, when we all were just relaxing on the beach, doing our own thing, Miles came to visit me at the gay beach, The Blue Chairs. He joined the group of my friends--who found it very interesting to have a young son visit his gay father. He quickly set them straight that I wasn't the most unique or weirdest one in my family...his way of giving the old man a compliment. But, for those of you who watch this blog...here is my son: home from his mission, 21 years old, silly and serious and just a great young man.

Family in Puerto Vallarta: One view of Paradise

2007-08-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

It was hard to blog in the middle of this trip...so I am trying to capture memories and add images to remind myself and my family about spending time together. This trip was about being in paradise, having fun, taking time to watch the world and to enjoy both ourselves and each other.
Miles welcomed back from his mission and back into the Killian family by Pam and Kathy...
Sutton and Myste (Brother and Sister)
Tim and Pam (Brother and Sister)
Me and Miles (Father and Son) Don't you just love the hats?...(We were going on the Zip Lines high in the tree tops...)
Kathy, skinny and smiling nearly all the time these days. Congratulations!!!!!
Miles, being silly, even got his hair braided...bet he can start a new style in Provo?
Sutton, a young man with so many life choices to make and so many opportunities ahead...
Barry and Shannon...congratulations on the 15th anniversary and for modeling such a great marriage. Few in all of our family can equal such a relationship.
Barry and Beck...from one great husband to another....
Myste, the most beautiful girl in PV last week and still the hottest chic in New York City!!!!
Pam, Myste, Sutton and Miles...Welcome home from Argentina Miles. We are so glad to have you back and to see you growing into such an incredible young man.
Beck and Myste...the hottest, young marriage in America....you define Chic and Stylish.
And, finally, we can't forget dancing....here we are at Club Hilo on the Malecon in Old PV. But several places in Puerto Vallarta have now been added to the 'Dancing around the World' theme of my travels. Go figure that Tim was voted repeatedly the most 'gay' brother during this week...he did stay out the longest, danced the most, dressed the best, partied the hardest....However, I still have not seen any polaroids that would threaten my reign as 'the gay brother'. But maybe after he goes to the gay softball world series in Phoenix in Arizona I will start to worry!!!

To Cody, Madison, Taylor, Doug, Ginger and Joel we missed you all and can't wait for you to be with us at a future, surely memorable, family gathering!!!!

Sun, Beach, Family Fun...no photos

2007-08-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

Hi:

We are having a quiet day today....after a night on the town. Coordinating thirteen schedules can get a bit exhausting. Thank you to Pam and the others for helping take some of the load off of me. I did want to announce that I won our first poker tournament earlly in the vacation....pretty good for a boy who doesn't know how to play poker.....

I did get to finally dance at a local club last night..and can add Puerto Vallarta to the locations I have danced around the world in. After doing the straight clubs with my family, they all came to Club Manana with me. I have to say my Niece, Myste and I owned the dance floor for awhile.

I have not taken out my camera yet....It just doesn't feel like that kind of vacation...but the others have photos which they will share and we bought the DVD of our time in the mountains yesterday doing the zip lines from tree top to tree top at the 'canopy tour'.....

Off to Family Reunion part two...

2007-08-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

So...lots of travel these days....The condo remodel, the weight loss, the need for sun and to wear swim suits....

I get to see Miles tomorrow...so, can't wait. Off to Puerto Vallarta for a week. A house by the ocean with a pool, time to drink and to relax. To be with my family. Last year was our first Killian family reunion...perhaps we are creating a tradition that can last and reinforce our family bonds. We all lead such different lives now.

This is the photos of the Villa Macarena that we have rented for the week. Let's hope the weather is not too muggy and too cloudy....that we really get some sunshine.